


Al, what are you hiding?

by Xbertyx



Series: Al what are you hiding related works. [1]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anorexia, Anorexia - purge subtype, Burning, Cutting, Edinburgh, F/M, Female Alois Trancy, M/M, Psychosis, Purging, Secrets, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-13 09:00:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 67
Words: 69,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4515867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xbertyx/pseuds/Xbertyx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU fic. I actually dreamt the first few chapters of this fic last night, after reading a comment for a request from Blackbutlerfan13.  They are so becoming my OTP. </p><p>Eric's a popular student at a college he has been attending for a year. He has a lot of friends and isn't afraid to stick up for what he believes in. He's openly gay and no one dares to raise an eyebrow over this fact, knowing they'd probably get beaten to a pulp if they did. He has always excelled at sports and though he doesn't look the type, he's pretty smart. </p><p>Having rescued Alan from being beaten up on their first day at college, they are now together. But will the issues Alan is hiding from him push them apart or bring them together?</p><p>Eric's thoughts are always in italics.</p><p>Series part two: </p><p>  <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/4690601">First chap of sequel. </a></p><p>Series part three :</p><p>
  <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/4767128/chapters/10901735">Elan sequel two chap one</a>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Just tell me what's wrong.

 I seriously don’t understand what is wrong with you, kid. We’ve been together for almost a year now and you’re still as timid as ever. You always have a look of fear in those beautiful eyes of yours and you never tell me what you’re so scared of. I’ve asked you countless times if someone is causing you trouble and you just shake your head or tell me that there is nothing wrong.

 You know that if someone was bulling you I'd fix it, right? Like I did even before we first got together. You know that I’d batter the shit out of them? Just like I did when I saw you being pushed around by those morons on our first day at college. I soon got them to stop causing you trouble but are there others? Is someone else hurting you? How can I help you when you never tell me what is wrong?

 You always say that you are fine but I can tell that you’re not. Your previous actions have made it quite clear that you are not fine. That you are actually deeply troubled. Sometimes I wonder if it’s me that scares you. It had taken months before you would even let me hold your hand. Before you’d let me hug you without flinching away. You finally let me kiss you and sneak into your dorm room for a cuddle under the covers of your bed but that scared look never disappears. Sure you act more at ease around me as each day passes but your eyes give you away. What’s scaring you, Al? I need to know. I need to help you. I love you so much.

 I’ve always loved you. Since the first moment I laid eyes on you, as you were knocked to the ground and kicked. I don’t even understand why you agreed to go out with me. You don’t really seem to enjoy my company at least half the time when I’m around you. Sure, now you’ll let me hug you and you’ll give me a quick peck on the cheek but you don’t ever seem happy and I don’t know if it’s me who’s making you unhappy or if there’s something else troubling you. I don’t know because you won’t tell me!

 I tell you how much you mean to me all the time; I tell you every day that I love you. You always say it back but I doubt you mean it. I think you just say it because you’re scared of me getting angry. I could never get angry with you, concerned yes but never angry. Yes, I’ve been violent in the past but never with you, just with the people who have hurt you. With those stupid brats who hadn’t grown up and realised that the time for bullying others ended when they graduated high school.

 I’d never hurt you, Al. I love you far too much for that but the distance you place between us is taking a toll on me. If you really did love me, you wouldn’t act like this and I find myself beginning to wonder if it’s really all worth it. If I can really take any more of this situation. I think one day I’ll just give up on trying to coax you out of your shell. One day soon, I’ll give up on us. One day soon, I fear I will give up on you.


	2. Please stop this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some things I need to address for people not from the Uk, so this fic doesn't confuse you. Firstly, we leave high school at the age of sixteen and then go to college for 1-2 years. We then go on to uni. So in the flashbacks, Alan and Eric would be 16, 17 in the current sections. Also they are both there on a two year course. 
> 
> Oh and Eric's thoughts are in italics. This is manly a fic from Eric's point of view.

 Eric strode through the hallways of his new college in Edinburgh, Scotland. It was his first day and he was there to study chemistry and advanced biology, on a two year course. He wasn’t quite sure yet which career he wanted to go into but he knew he’d figure it out eventually. He also planned to join some of the sports teams at the college, especially the football one he’d heard so much about. He’d come to have a look around the campus, before going off to find his dorm room.

 He heard a shout coming from the hallway to his left. “I asked what your name was, kid. Ain’t you got any manners?” Eric rushed over to see what was happening and gritted his teeth, as he saw a small brown haired teenager get shoved to the ground and kicked. Two other boys were looming over him, smirks plastered on their faces. “Still not answerin’? You should learn some respect, you little freak!”

 “Leave him tha' fuck alone!” Eric shouted, striding up to them. “You’re not in school anymore, grow up.”

 “Oh yeah? What are you gunna’ do to make-.” His words were cut off, as Eric pushed him against the wall, fist colliding with his stomach.

 “If I see ya’ causin' him or anyone else anymore trouble, I’ll beat ya’ black and blue. Ya’ understand?" The boy gulped and nodded and once Eric had stepped away from him, he and the other boy fled the corridor.

 The teenager stood up shakily and Eric moved closer to him. “Ya' alright, kid?” He just nodded, fixing his gaze on the floor. “What’s ya’ name?” The teenager moved his head to look at Eric and Eric's breath caught in his throat. He was absolutely beautiful, brown cropped hair framing his pale face. Thin rimmed glasses framing gorgeous hazel eyes. In that moment, Eric fell in love with him, before he had even uttered a word.

 “Al … Alan.” The teenager stuttered.

 “Awesome. I'm Eric. I’m guessin' from ya’ accent, ya' aren’t Scottish either? Where are ya’ from, kid?”

 “York…shire. What … about you?”

 Eric smiled at him. “Ah, a fellow English man. I’m from Kent. It’s not far from London. Nice ta’ meet ya’.” He extended his hand to Alan, expecting him to shake it but he didn’t, he just looked away nervously again. _Man, this kid is shy._ “So wha' are ya' studying here, kid? Why did ya’ come such a long way from home?” He asked, trying to make Alan feel more at ease.

 “Art and design … as well ... as literature. Edinburgh … well it’s such a beautiful place … I thought it would help me with my artwork.”

 “Cool. So I’m guessin' ya’ livin’ in the student dorms?” Alan nodded. “Which one?”

 “Winchester …. House.”

 Eric grinned at him. _Seriously this cutie is in my dorm block? Sweet!_ “Really? Me too. Would ya' mind showin' me tha’ way? I think my luggage has been dropped off there but I 'ave no clue where I’m supposed to be goin’.” _Okay, I do but ya’ can show me anyway._

 “S …sure.” He walked past him and Eric followed. Alan didn’t say a word as he led him out of the college campus and across the road to the many blocks of student dorms. _This kid is cute but would it kill him to smile?_

 “I’m in room 106.” Eric stated, pulling his key from his pocket.

 “Oh. Okay … you’re on my floor then.” Alan said, as they walked into the lift and he pressed the button for the first floor.

 “It’s just down the hall, I think.” He said, as he produced his own key and unlocked his door. “Well … bye.” The door was shut in Eric’s face and Eric looked at the door number. _He’s in room 110? Oh wow, this is awesome._

 Eric walked away and unlocked the door to his room, realising his luggage hadn’t actually arrived yet. Rummaging around in his satchel, he found what he was looking for; a note pad and pen. He jotted his phone number down, along with a quick message. ‘Here’s my number, in case you want to talk. I’ll be seeing you around, kid – Eric.’ He left his room again, sliding the note under Alan’s door. _I’m not gonna' let a chance with this cutie go to waste._

End flashback.

 Eric pulled himself away from his thoughts, to look over at the clock. It was ten pm. _Time for a cuddle._ Eric got up from his bed and left his room, walking down the corridor to Alan’s dorm room. He pushed his key into the door, that he’d had cut six months ago on realising how scared Alan was about leaving his door unlocked. He locked it again and took a step further into the room. Alan was already asleep, his peaceful face illuminated by the bedside lamp. Eric had learnt early on that he also didn’t like sleeping in the dark. He walked over to the bed, kicking his shoes off.

 _You’re so cute when ya' sleep._ Pulling the cover back, he froze. Alan’s pj top had ridden up and there were angry fresh cuts lining up his stomach. _Oh Al, not again. Ya’ promised me ya’ wouldn’t do that anymore._ Deciding not to wake the man over the issue, sure that the outcome of such a conversation would not be a good one, he slid under the covers next to him. Alan stirred slightly, rolling over to cuddle into the other’s side, before falling back deeply into sleep. Eric kissed him softly on the top of the head, concern for his love rising. _I wish you’d stop doing this to ya’self, ya’ worrying me half ta' death. Ya’ won’t even tell me what’s wrong._ Eventually tiredness overtook him; the other’s steady breathing lulling him to sleep.


	3. He's weird but kinda' cute.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm totally loving talking in slang for this series. Also roleplaying in my head as Ronald is always awesome. 
> 
> I've decided I'm going to split each chapter into past and present. So from the beginning of their relationship in the first bit and then splitting off into what's happening currently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, Eric's thoughts are in italics.  
> When I went to the student halls on vacation in Edinburgh last month, they had a bath and shower room! I was totally amazed aha.

Two weeks into the college year.

 In the two weeks Eric had been at his new college, he’d made quite a few friends. He was currently sitting across the table from one of them, a Ronald Knox, who he had met when he joined the football team.

 “So, 'ave any girls taken y’ fancy yet?” Ronald asked, shooting him a cheeky grin as he opened a can of red bull.

 “I’m gay.”

 The blonde laughed. “Awkward.”

 Eric sighed. “Wha’ ‘bout ya'?”

 “Gayer.”

 Eric smirked at him. “Awkward.”

 Ronald took a sip of his energy drink, before speaking again. “Lemme’ rephrase tha’ last question. 'Ave any guys taken y’ fancy?” Eric gestured over to Alan, who was standing in front of the vending machine. Ronald pulled a face. “Tha’ kid? But he’s so weird! All tha' times I’ve seen him in our dorm, he never talks. He never smiles. I bet he’d suck in bed.”

 “So wha'? I like him. Ya’ got a problem wi' tha'?”

 Ronald lifted his hands up. “Chill out. No problem ‘ere. It’s jus' an odd match.” He learned closer to him and grinned again. “So ‘ave y’ asked him out yet?”

 “Na. I gave him my number on tha' first day of college but he ain’t called. Not even one text.”

 “Ooh. Bummer. ‘Ave y’ spoken ta' him since?”

 “Yeah, sorta’. He’s shy as hell. I ain’t givin’ up though. I’ll ask him out eventually.” Eric said, smirking again.

 Ronald looked over at Alan, who had moved to take a seat at an empty table at the back of the room, bottle of diet cola in hand. “Gotta’ admit though, he’s kinda’ cute.”

 “Eyes off him, Knox. I don’t want ya' dirty hands all over him.” Eric stood up, walking over to Alan’s table. “Hey, kid. Mind if I sit wi' ya’?”

 Alan flinched, before looking up at him. “N … no. It’s fine.”

 Eric took a seat next to him. “So, has anyone else been causin’ ya’ trouble?”

 “No. Erm … I got your note. Sorry I haven’t text you or anything. I … I’m not very good at talking ... to people.”

 “Yeah. I’ve kinda’ already noticed. It’s cool. Don’t worry ‘bout it.”

 “I … have to go to c ... class.” Alan said, standing up quickly. “I … I’ll see you around.” With that, he sped off out of the canteen. Eric sighed. _What an awkward kid. Still, ya’ adorable as hell._

\----

Present day.

 Eric stirred from his sleep, having heard a whimpering coming from the side of him. He looked over to see Alan’s previously peaceful expression replaced with a pained one, his eyes screwed shut in his sleep. _Not another nightmare, Al. I can’t even help ya’ through them ‘cause ya’ won’t tell me what they’re about._

 Alan shot up in bed, breathing heavily. He reached over to his bedside table, feeling around for his glasses. Finding them and putting them on, he flinched when he saw Eric beside him. “Eric … when did you get here?”

 “Last night. Ya’ was already fast asleep.”

 “Oh.” Alan replied, relaxing slightly but with his eyes still full of fear.

 “Al, there’s somethin’ I need ta’ talk ta’ ya’ ‘bout.” _Maybe I shouldn’t mention it. No, I have to or you’ll just do it again._ He received no reply and continued. “Come and lie back down.”

 Alan bit his lip nervously, before he slipped back under the covers. Eric pulled them back and before Alan had chance to move, he pulled his pj top up. “Ya’ promised me ya’ wouldn’t hurt ya’self again.

 “I … I’m sorry.” Alan said, looking away.

 “Ya’ need ta’ stop this.” Eric moved to between the other’s legs. “Ya’ too beautiful to be doin’ this to ya’self.” He leant down, kissing along the cuts lightly. _I wish I could just kiss all ya’ pain away._ Alan flinched slightly, not having been kissed before by Eric anywhere other than his head, face, lips and neck, before he relaxed again. “I love you so much, Al.”

 “I love you too.” A small moan slipped from his lips, as Eric kissed a cut over his hip bone.

 “Oh. Is tha' spot sensitive, Al?” He kissed the spot again and smirked when a louder moan slipped from the other’s lips. “Ya’ just too cute sometimes.” He moved from the bed and stood up. “Come on, let’s go for a bath. Make sure those cuts are cleaned properly.”

 “A … bath? But … you’ve never s … seen me naked before.”

 “I’m not givin’ ya’ a bath 'cause I wanna’ see ya’ naked. Like I said, I don’t want them cuts gettin’ dirty.”

 Alan nodded. “Well … alright.”

 Five minutes later, Alan entered the bathroom, Eric having run them both a bath. “Eric?”

 Eric looked over at him and smiled. “Wha’ is it, babe?”

 “I … erm … I want to keep my underwear on.”

 _Does he think I’m going to try and touch him or something?_ “Yeah, alright. Whatever makes ya’ feel comfortable.” Eric took his t-shirt and trousers off.

 “And … you too. K ... keep them on.”

 _Does he seriously think I’m going to try it on with him?_ He sighed. “Yeah. Sure.” Alan turned around to get undressed and when he turned back around, Eric gasped. Cuts lined all up his thighs and the tops of his arms. _Oh Al. You’re fucking covered._

 Alan stared at the floor and Eric moved over to pull him into a hug. “I … I’m not mad at ya’ if that’s wha’ ya’ think.” _Just terrified for your health. What if one day ya’ cut too deep? No. Don’t think about that._ “Let’s jus' ge' them all cleaned, okay?”

\---

 Once Eric had washed them with just warm water, not wanting the chemicals in the soup to irritate Alan’s cuts, he stepped into the water. Alan moved forward to give him room and once Eric sat down, he scooted back between his legs, pressing his back to Eric’s chest. Eric wrapped his arms gently around him, feeling Alan’s shoulder blades digging into him. _You’ve lost even more weight. God, Al. You told me that you’d try to eat more._

 “Babe ya’ really need ta' stop doin’ this ta' ya’self." He received no reply. _You’re going to end up killing yourself at this rate. I … I can’t lose you._


	4. Adrian, you moron.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Totally gender bended Alois. Alois = Alisha. Can't believe I haven't put him in any of my fics yet.  
> Also used The Undertaker's headcanon name in this. #sorrynotsorry. 
> 
> Eric's thoughts are in italics.

 Three weeks into the first college year.

 It had been a week since Eric’s conversation about Alan with Ronald and he’d still had no luck with getting Alan to come out of his shell. He’d spoken to him almost every day but had gotten nowhere.

 He was sitting in Ronald’s dorm room with Ronald and a new friend he’d made in his chemistry class, Adrian. Adrian was even stranger than Alan, having caused an explosion on his first day in the chemistry lab. He’d found it hilarious, even when the lecturer had scolded him.

 “So y’ had any luck wi' A-.” Ronald's sentence was cut off when there was a knock at the door. Walking over and opening it, he smiled.

 One of his friends, Alisha, stepped into the room. She was a petite girl with long blonde hair and baby blue eyes. “I’m so bored!”

 “Well … how’s 'bout y' join in wi' our conversation.” Ronald grinned. “Was jus' 'bout ta' ask Eric 'bout his love life.”

 “Yes. I’ve heard your love interest is quite amusing.” Adrian said, between giggles.

 Alisha turned to him. “Oh? Who is it?”

 “Some guy in our dorm block. His name’s Alan.” Ronald stated, as he sat back on his bed next to Eric. “He’s doin’ art or somethin’ Short kid. Glasses. Brown hair.”

 “Eww! The kid who’s in my art class? Gross! He’s so creepy!”

 Eric glared at her. “He’s not creepy. He’s just shy.”

 “Oh. So you’ve spoken to him then? He doesn’t utter a word in class. Just sits there with his head stuck in his art book.” She smirked at him, hand on her hip.

 “Yeah, I 'ave. Like I said, he’s just shy.” Eric replied.

 "Well, have you told him that you’re into him?”

 “Na. The kid runs off before he has chance to say much of anythin’.” Ronald chimed in.

 “Well then. We’ll just have to catch him and tell him.” Adrian giggled. “He’s in room 110 if I remember correctly. Well off I go.” He half ran, half skipped out of the door and down the hallway.

 “Wait, Adrian!” Eric rushed out after him. _Don’t scare the poor kid more._ It was too late, Adrian already having knocked on Alan’s door. Alan opened it, eyes going wide at seeing the silver haired teenager grinning at him. Adrian pushed passed him into the room.

 “Ooh. You are a cute one indeed.” Adrian giggled.

 “What … a … are you ... doing in my r …room?” Alan stammered.

 At that moment, Eric appeared in the doorway. “Adrian. Get out of his room. Now!”

 Adrian laughed at him, before turning to Alan. “Eric has quite a crush on you, me dear. Yes he does. He thinks you’re a cutie. He wants to hug you. He wants to kiss you.” With that, he skipped back out of the room, leaving Eric standing there with his fists clenched. Alan just stared at him, wide eyed.

 _Say something. Anything, you moron._ “Alan … I.” _A complete sentence, idiot. He’s looking at ya' like you’re going to murder him._

 “W … was that supposed to be f … funny? S … some sort of sick j … joke?” Alan asked, a hurt expression on his face.

 _What? You think we were just trying to take the piss out of you?_ “No. I –. Erm, Adrian meant what he said.”

 “I have to … go now. To h … hand some artwork into class.”

 Eric sighed. _He wants me to leave. Shit. Adrian, I’m going to kill you. You’ve completely fucked this up._ “Yeah, of course. I’ll see ya’ around, I guess.” With that, Eric left, embarrassment and annoyance grinding away at him. _Adrian, ya' bastard!_

\---

 It had been two days since Eric had found out that Alan had self harmed again and he was trying to keep a close eye on him. He’d taken Alan out for lunch and had managed to coax him into eating, even if it was just half of a cheese sandwich. Even if it had taken Eric half an hour to convince him to take the first bite. Eric had then left Alan in his dorm room, while he went to hand some coursework in for his end of year chemistry grade.

 He’d then made his way back to his dorm block. As he passed the bathroom, he froze. He could hear a gagging sound coming from inside of the room. _Ya' best not be doing what I think you’re doing, Alan._ Eric slid down the wall next to the bathroom door, waiting to see if it was actually Alan inside. If he was actually doing what Eric feared he was doing. Worry grated away at him, as he waited for the bathroom door to open. _If that is ya’ in there, Al, I’m going to flip. How much more of this can ya’ expect me to take. I’m so worried for ya'. I’m so scared._


	5. Purple flowers.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story is breaking my heart. Why did I dream such a thing? Well, okay. I only dreamt about Eric spotting Alan's cuts and the bath scene but still! It's actually upsetting me now aha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eric's thoughts in italics.

The day after Adrian’s mishap.

 _Well at least ya’ know I like ya’ now._ Eric walked through the old town of Edinburgh, intent on buying Alan something to show his affections for the man. _Chocolate? No, I’ve never seen the kid eat. He probably doesn’t like chocolate. Scottish shortbread? No, that’s food too, ya' dumbass. Flowers? Well he is the artistic type. If all else fails, he can just draw them._ He walked into a florist and looked at the bouquets of flowers lining the wall. _What colour? Red roses? No, that’s overkill. Oh, purple? He did have a purple jumper on yesterday. He looked adorable in it – no Eric, focus! Purple then? Yeah, purple it is._

 After buying the flowers, he made his way back to his dorm room. He checked himself in the mirror and thinking that he looked decent enough, he headed down the hallway to Alan’s door. He knocked on it. _Just breathe, Eric. What’s the worst that could happen? Just because you’re in love with him- wait, what? Love?_ His thoughts were interrupted when Alan opened the door, still dressed in his pjs. A bright pink pair.

 Eric stared at him for a while. _Adorable. Just fucking adorable. Yep. This is love. Must have been since day one. Oh shit, he’s looking at ya' like you’re going to murder him again, say something!_ “I brought ya' these, kid.” He pulled the flowers from behind his back, smiling nervously at him. “Do ya’ wanna’ go out somewhere? Like on a date?”

 Alan blushed, taking the flowers from him. “S … so you really d … do think I’m cute?”

 Eric grinned at him. “Adorable. So how ‘bout this date? Can I tempt ya’ into it?”

 Alan’s blush grew. “I … I’d like that.”

\----

***Present day.***

 Eric heard the bathroom door open and clambered to his feet. He looked around to see Alan staring at him in shock, hand gripping the doorframe, face pale and eyes bloodshot. Eric gripped both of Alan’s wrists, pulling him from the doorway and shoving him against the wall. “Wha' tha’ hell is wrong wi' ya'!?” He shouted, pinning Alan’s wrists against the wall.

 “Eric let go … of m … me … you … you’re hurting me.”

 “I don’t care! I wanna’ know why ya’ keep doin’ this shit to ya’self! I’m not lettin' ya’ go until ya’ tell me!

 “Eric … please. Don’t … g ... get angry. I’m sorry. I … I’m so sorry.”

 “I’m not angry. I could never be angry wi’ ya’. I … I’m just worried sick about ya’. Jus' tell me why. Why ya’ keep hurtin’ ya’self like this.”

 “No … I don’t want … to talk about it. Just … p … please let me go.”

 “Not until ya’ tell me!”

 “P … please. I … feel dizzy.”

 Eric felt his worry increase. “It’s beacause ya’ barely eat and now you’re making ya’self sick too.” He released his grip. “I’m jus' so worried 'bout ya’. I love ya’ so much.” He sighed, beginning to realise that Alan wasn’t going to tell him, no matter many times he asked. At least not today. At least not while he was in such a state. “Come on, let’s ge' ya’ back ta' ya’ room, so ya’ can sit down.”

 Eric stood back and Alan nodded, taking a shaky step towards his room. His legs buckled and he fell onto his knees, a weak whimper slipping from his lips. Eric sank down onto his knees next to him, pulling him to his chest and kissing the top of Alan’s head, tears pricking at his eyes. _Al, please this has to stop. Ya’ need to just tell me what’s wrong. Ya’ need to let me help ya’._


	6. Ya' gunna' end up dead within a month.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waterstones is the most well company of book store in the Uk. I've actually been to the one in Edinburgh and they had sooo many BB volumes omg I had a nose bleed. That's how I know the manga is on the second floor. I've also been to the Art museum, it's brill.

 Eric had left Alan’s dorm room, to allow him to get showered and ready for their date. It was the weekend, so neither of them had classes. He’d been lying on his bed, waiting for Alan for half an hour. _I can’t believe he actually said yes. I didn’t expect him to even be gay. Wait, he does like guys, right? Maybe I should have asked him that – no, that would have been awkward. Yeah, he’s got to like guys._

 He looked over at his desk and spotted a training schedule for football practice next week. _Oh shit. I completely forgot to give Ronald his copy. I’ll go head to his room before Alan gets here._ He stood up, grabbing one of the copies and heading to the door. He opened it, to find Alan standing there, having just arrived for their date. He was dressed in baggy black jeans and an oversized purple jumper that ended just above his knees. A small backpack was slung over his one shoulder. _Adorable. Ya’ so beautiful, kid. I love ya’ so much already. Oh shit, say something before he thinks ya’ staring._

 “All ready for ya’ date, kid?” Alan nodded. “Awesome. I jus’ gotta’ pop somethin’ ta' Ronald and then I’m all yours.”

 “A … alright.” Eric locked his door and headed to Ronald’s room. Alan trailed behind him, pulling his backpack over his other shoulder and onto his back.

 Eric tried the door and finding it unlocked, opened it. “Come in, kid. He won’t bite.” Alan nodded and they both walked into the room. _Fucking hell!_ Ronald was butt naked, riding on top of some guy Eric had never seen before.

 “Ah. Fuck … Claude, y’ feel so good! Harder babe!”

 “I think we have company.” Claude said. Eric looked over at Alan, to see him frozen on the spot, eyes wide. _Shit. He’s going to be scarred for life. His expression is so cute though._

 Ronald turned his head to look over at the two teenagers. “Oh, hey guys.” He grinned at them.

 “I think we should give the boys a show.” Claude smirked, thrusting up into Ronald harshly, causing a loud moan to slip from the blonde.

 “Umm … I’ll 'ave ta' … ah, fuck … see y’ later, Eric.” Ronald breathed, between more moans.

 “Yeaaa.” Eric left the schedule on Ronald’s desk and rushed out of the room, Alan following closely behind him.

 “Well, as ya’ can see, my friends are entertainin’.” Eric joked, trying to make Alan look less petrified.

 Alan gulped, his face flushed red in embarrassment. “Y … yeah, I can see t … that. Where are w … we going on this date?”

 _Oh crap. Ya' moron. Ya' didn’t even think about where to take him? Fucking idiot._ “Anywhere. The choice is yours.” He smiled, feeling embarrassed himself.

 “Oh … okay. Can we go … to … Waterstones? I’ve been …. m …. meaning to buy some books …. for a while.”

 “Ya’ wanna’ go to tha’ book store for a date?” _Has this kid even been on a date before?_

 “No … no, it was a s … stupid idea … Sorry.” He looked down at the floor.

 _Oh man. I can’t possible say no to this cutie. Just look at that face. Aww._ “Na, it’s cool. If that’s where ya’ wanna’ go, we’ll go.” Alan looked up and nodded. _Seriously adorable._

 Half an hour later, they arrived at the book store. Eric had tried and failed to make conversation. Alan just didn’t seem very interested in talking. “Lead tha’ way, kid.”

 Alan nodded again and took the stairs up to the second floor of the store. Eric followed him over the graphic novel and comic book section. “So, ya’ like ya’ comics, kid?”

 “M … manga.”

 _What the hell is that?_ “Erm … sorry. I dunno’ wha’ tha' is.”

 “It’s like Japanese … graphic novels.”

 _I’ve fallen in love with a complete nerd._ “Cool. Ya’ got any favourites?” Eric thought he saw a small smile tugging at Alan’s lips, as he picked a comic off of the shelf.

 “I like quite … a lot of them … like ‘Death Note’.

 _Well that sounds morbid as hell._ “What’s it 'bout?”

 “A death god who drops … a death note on earth. A boy …. called Light picks it up … and starts k … killing criminals. Then a man called L tries to catch him. It … it’s really good.” He opened the comic, pointing to a drawing on one of the pages. “That’s … L.”

 _Aww, look how happy he looks talking about it. Fucking adorable._ Eric looked at the drawing. “Tha' L guy is kinda’ cute, don’t ya’ think?”

 Alan blushed. “Yes … he is.” _Yep. He does like guys. Score._

 Alan walked away, with the one book in hand. “Is tha’ all ya’ gettin’?”

 Alan looked away from him, speaking quietly. “Yeah. I don’t have the m … money right now for ... more.”

 Eric leaned over, looking at the volume number on the comic. _Death Note black edition two. Right, got it._ He turned around and picked the next four volumes off of the shelf.

 “Umm … Eric, what are … y … you doing?”

 “I’ll buy ya' them.”

 “What?! No … Eric … I … I couldn’t ask you to … do that.” Alan bit his lip nervously.

 Eric grinned. “Ya’ not askin’. I’m offerin’.” He saw Alan looking away and added “Seriously, I don’t mind. My dad’s a doctor and gives me way too much pocket money. Now, wha’ other ones do ya’ like?” _Seriously, I’m in love with ya’. I’d give ya’ the world if I could._

 After a lot more coaxing on Eric’s part, they left the book store, both loaded down with bags of comics. The comics included Attack On Titan volumes 3-7, Are You Alice? Volumes 2-6, Magical Girl Apocalypse volumes 2-4, Another, Blue Exorcist 5-10 and Vampire Knight volumes 3-6. They headed back to Alan’s room to drop off the bags, before Eric took him to the art museum, located just up the road from Waterstones. Alan seemed to enjoy the day, though he didn’t smile and barely talked.

\---

 Eric had helped Alan onto his bed after he had fallen. Alan was lying there, looking extremely pale and sickly. _He’s probably really dehydrated from being sick. My poor baby._ “I’m gunna’ go get ya’ somethin’ to drink.”

 “O … Okay.” Alan replied, voice hoarse and dry sounding.

 Eric returned a few minutes later, bottle of Coke in hand. “Here.”

 “Y … you know I only drink diet c … cola, I don’t like … r … regular.”

 _No, you’re just shit scared of the calories. Taste has nothing to do with it._ “Alan, please jus’ drink it. Ya’ need some sugar. Ya’ probably fell over earlier ‘cause ya’ blood sugar was low.”

 “No. I … I don’t want it.”

“Alan, please don’t argue wi’ me over this. Please jus’ drink some. Jus' a bit.” _Please, I’m begging ya’. Ya’ body can’t take much more of this._ Alan turned away from him, curling up into a ball on top of the covers. _Al, please. Ya’ going to end up dead in a few months at this rate!_

 Eric called in sick for Alan, as well as himself. It was nearing the end of the first college year and the classes were spent on just finishing up their coursework. Eric then spent the next two hours lying behind Alan on the bed, arm wrapped lightly around him, trying to persuade Alan to drink some of the cola. It didn’t work and Eric had to leave the room, before he broke down into floods of tears from the crushing worry about his love. _Al, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t just stand by and watch as you wilt away. I can’t see any more of this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell which manga I'm reading currently? *wiggles eyebrows"


	7. Doctor's advice.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can see this series being very long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They do ghost tours in Edinburgh. The vaults are an underground tunnel system in the city and Greyfriar's is meant to be the most haunted cemetery in the world, with a infamous poltergeist. I've been on the ghost tours twice to both of these places. Fun but creepy.

A month into the college year.

 In the week following the trip to the book store, Eric had taken Alan on countless dates to various places around Edinburgh, including St Giles cathedral and Hollyrood house. He’d also walked in on Ronald and Claude again many times and had decided he really should knock Ronald’s door before he entered. He’d learnt that Claude didn’t even go to the college; he was in his twenties and lived in a flat in Edinburgh, working as an accountant. Ronald had met him at a pub in town, having made a fake ID and had been sneaking the man into his dorm room for sex ever since.

 Eric looked up from his laptop and over to Alan, who was sitting on his bed. “Do ya’ wanna’ go on tha’ city of tha' dead tour, to tha’ vaults and Greyfriars Kirkyard tonight?

 Alan flinched at the mention of it. “No … I … I don’t like the dark.”

 “Oh, okay. I jus’ thought it would be cool.” _I’ll just ask Adrian instead, he’ll probably like that sort of thing._

 “S … sorry.”

 Eric had ended up taking Adrian with him that night on the ghost tour. They hadn’t gotten back to their dorm until 9pm and Eric headed straight to Alan’s room. He’d had another burning question that he wanted to ask Alan. Eric knocked on the door. _Alright Eric, breathe. He’ll hopefully say yes, we’ve been out on like six dates already._

 Alan opened the door, clad in a pair of fluffy pj’s, with a large purple owl sewn into the top. _Cuteness overload._ “Can I come in for a sec?” Alan nodded and moved from the door, to sit down on the edge of the bed. Eric walked to stand in front of him.

 “There’s somethin’ I wanna’ ask ya’, kid.” Alan bit his lip nervously and nodded. “Well, we’ve been goin’ out on dates all this week. Do ya’ wanna’ start seein’ each other properly?” _Please say yes._

 Alan looked at him for a moment, before speaking. “Y … yes, t … that would be nice.”

 _Sweet!_ Before Alan knew what was happening, he was pushed down onto the bed, Eric crashing their lips together. Realising that Alan wasn’t kissing back, Eric pulled his lips away and looked down at him. Alan had a look of absolute panic on his face and his body was trembling under Eric’s. “Alan, what’s wrong?” _Shit. I didn’t think that would scare him._ Alan didn’t answer, a weak whimper all that came from his mouth.

 Eric rolled off of him quickly and sat up on the bed. He looked over at Alan to see him shaking. “Alan?”

 “I … have … t … to go use the bathroom.” With that, he clambered off of the bed and rushed out of the room. _What the hell is up with this kid?_ Eric also left the room, feeling guilty for upsetting Alan. When he got to his own room, he sighed and sat down. Pulling his phone out, he typed a quick message and sent it to Alan. ‘Sorry if I frightened you. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll see you tomorrow. – Eric.’ He waited for a reply for the next few hours but didn’t get one. Eventually, he gave up and went to bed. _I’m going to have to be more careful with this kid._

\---

***Present day***

 After the last class of the year, Ronald and Eric were hanging out in Ronald’s room. Eric hadn’t been to see Alan since the night he had fallen down. It was just upsetting him too much to see Alan looking so ill. Still, he knew he’d have to go and see him, to once again try to help him.

“So, are y’ goin’ home for summer break?” Ronald asked, opening a packet of skittles.

 “Na. I don’t think so.”

Ronald frowned at him. “Why not? ‘Cause Alan’s staying here?”

 “Yeah.” _I can’t leave him on his own for six weeks. What if he does something stupid?_

 “But tha’ kid never goes home in tha' holidays. Y' normally go home. Aint’ y’ family gunna’ miss y’?”

 “They’ll understand. Wha' 'bout ya’?”

 Ronald smirked. “I’m goin’ home for a few weeks but then I’m stayin' over at Claude’s flat for a bit and then he’s stayin' here for tha’ rest of tha’ holidays.”

 “Are ya’ two together now then?”

 “Na but I’ve told ya’ countless times how good in bed he is. I’m not missin’ sex for six weeks. It’d kill me. I wonder why Alan never goes home. Kinda’ odd really.”

 “Yeah, I dunno’ either.” _He never speaks about his family. I don’t know if he even has one._

 Eric left Ronald’s a few hours later, to go back to his dorm room. Later that day, he was about to go and see how Alan was, when his phone rang. It was a phone call from his dad, Matthew. He answered it.

 “Hello son, just phoned because your mother wants to know when we should be expecting you home.”

 Eric sighed. “I’m not comin’ home.”

 “What? Why not? Your mother wants to see you. She misses you. Your sister too.”

 “I need ta’ stay here wi' Al.” His voice started to crack, upset kicking in.

 There was a pause on the end of the line, before his dad spoke again. “Is he okay?”

 “Yeah … he’s jus' not very well right now.” _Not well at all._

 “Then take him to see a doctor.” His dad’s voice was laced with concern.

 “It … it ain’t tha’ simple, dad.”

 Another pause. “Well I am a doctor, son. What are his symptoms? I might be able to recommend something.”

 _Should I tell him? I don’t think Al would want me to but he does need help. Any sort of help I can get him._ Eric sighed, before explaining to his dad everything that had happened.

 “You need to get him to a doctor.”

 Eric felt tears pricking at his eyes. “He wouldn’t go. He won’t even let me help him.”

 “You need to try son, this is quite serious. He-.” There was a pause on the phone and Eric could hear his dad talking to his mom, Sharon. “You mother wants to speak to you.”

 “Hello, my darling. When are you coming home?”

 “I’m not. I’m stayin’ here wi' Al.”

 “Well bring him with you. I’d love to meet him.”

 _That’s not a bad idea. He could do with a change of scenery for a bit._ “I don’t think he’ll want ta’ but I’ll ask him.”

 There was a pause on the other end of the phone, before his mom spoke again. “Is everything alright son, you sound upset?”

 “Ask dad. I … I have ta’ go. I’ll ask Al and let ya’ know.” With that he shut the phone. _If dad sees Al, he might be able to get him some help. I just have to try and convince him to come with me. That’s going to be tricky._


	8. Stop scaring me like this!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric's thoughts in italics.

 Alan and Eric had been together for two months now, if you could even call it being together. The poor boy would flinch away from every single touch Eric had placed on him. Eventually Eric had given up with any sort of psychical contact. He wanted ever so much to just be able to cuddle the teenager, to place a long, tender kiss on his lips but he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t because he loved him and wanted nothing more than for him to be at ease, though he had begun to realise that the boy was never at ease. Not around him. Not around anyone. The constant look of fear that seemed to be burned into Alan’s eyes was a reminder of this fact. Still, there was hope. Alan had stopped rushing off as soon as Eric came into his room, instead setting about doing artwork, shooting Eric a nervous glance every so often.

 Eric came into Alan’s room and saw him with his head stuck in a comic book. “What ya’ readin’, kid?” Alan flinched, being so engrossed in reading that he hadn’t even heard Eric enter.

 “Attack On T… Titan.”

 _These comics sure have funky names._ “What’s tha’ one ‘bout?”

 “Well … the best fan description I have heard is ‘Most of them were eaten.’” Eric thought he saw a small smile tug at the boy’s lips, something that he hadn’t seen since they had first visited the book store.

 Eric look at the cover of the book, at the giant human pictured. “By tha’ thing?”

 “Yes … that’s a t … titan.”

 Eric moved to sit next to him on the bed. “Al?” Alan looked over at him. “Can I 'ave a cuddle?” _Maybe if I ask him before I touch him, it won’t shit him up._ Alan bit his lip nervously and looked away but nodded. Eric scooted closer to him and Alan put his book down. Eric wrapped his arms around him softly, pulling him closer. Alan stiffened slightly, then relaxed, resting his head on Eric’s chest. They stayed like that for a while, until Eric heard his phone beep.

 He pulled away and rummaged in his pocket. Pulling it out, he saw a text from his sister, Melisa who was a year younger than him. ‘So mom told me you have a boyfriend?’

 Eric smirked and texted back ‘Yep. He’s cute as hell. Jealous?’

 A few moments later his phone beeped again. ‘Picture!?’

 “Al, my sis wants ta’ see how beautiful ya’ are.”

 “I … I’m not beautiful.”

 “Yeah ya’ are. Come take a selfie wi’ me?”

 “I don’t know …. Erm … yeah, okay.” Eric lifted his phone up, flicking his camera onto the front view and snapped a picture. He sent it and his phone beeped again almost immediately. ‘Omg, he’s adorable! Why do you get all the good looking men!?’

 Eric laughed at the message and Alan shot him a worried look. “What … what did she say?” Eric showed him the message and a Alan’s cheeks went bright red. Eric smiled at him, before texting back. ‘Because I’ve got skillz.’

 Beep. ‘Arsehole.’

 Eric turned to Alan again. “How’s 'bout another cuddle, before I 'ave ta’ go ta’ class?” Alan snuggled up to him. _He’s so warm. Smells good too. I could get used to this._

_\----_

***Present day***

 After finishing the phone call with his mom, Eric wiped away the few tears which had slipped from his eyes and straightened up. He headed to Alan’s room and unlocked the door. He stepped in and gasped when Alan looked over at him. He was sitting on his bed with a thick blanket wrapped around him, looking even paler than when Eric had last seen him, dark circles under his eyes.

 Eric rushed over and sat down next to him on the bed. _Shit. I shouldn’t have left him alone for so long._ “Al, ya’ don’t look so good, babe.” He pressed his hand to Alan’s forehead, feeling the hot, sweaty skin. “You’ve got a temperature.”

 “I’ve … g … got a cold, I think.” He said, before coughing. “Wait … why are you still h … here? W … why haven’t you gone h … home for the holidays?”

 “’Cause I wanna’ be here, wi' ya’.”

 “N … no. You should go h … home. Be … with your family.”

 _Now’s my chance._ “Then come wi’ me. My mom wants ta’ meet ya’ anyway.”

 “Oh … N … no I couldn’t. What if your family doesn’t l … like me?”

 “Don’t be silly. Of course they’ll like ya’. Please?”

 Alan looked away. “O … okay, if it will make you happy.”

 Eric smiled. “I couldn’t be happy anywhere wi'out ya’.”

 Another cough came from Alan and then another. Eric heard how wheezy he sounded. _Shit, Al. Your body is really struggling._ Alan started to wheeze properly. “Al, is ya’ asthma playin’ up again?”

 Alan nodded, his eyes filling with panic. “I … c … can’t breathe.” He whispered, between wheezes.

 “Shit. Where’s ya’ inhaler?” _Al, you’re scaring me._

 “B … bag.” Eric shot up, grabbing Alan’s college bag and searching for his inhaler, finding two at the bottom of it. _Ventolin Evohaler. That’s the one._ He rushed back over to Alan, pulling the lid off of the inhaler and handing it to him. After a few moments, Alan’s breath began to steady.

 “Better?” Eric asked, sitting back down and rubbing Alan’s back soothingly through the blanket. _Stop scaring me like this!_

 The other nodded. “T … thanks.”

\--

 It had taken Alan almost a week to start to recover from his cold, his malnourished body struggling, his immune system low. Eric had managed to get Alan to eat soup a few times a day, heated in the small kitchen on the ground floor of their dorm block.

 They were now on the train, heading down to London and would then have to travel on to Kent. Eric had asked Alan countless times if he had remembered to pack his inhaler before they had left the dorm. He didn’t want Alan to suffer another asthma attack at his home.

 Alan was asleep in the carriage, his head resting on Eric’s shoulder. _Damn, Al._ You’re _always so tired._ Alan was still quite dark under his eyes and it only made Eric’s concern grow. Even with getting him to eat a bit the past few days, his body was obviously struggling to cope.

\---

 When they reached Eric’s home, Sharon opened the door for them. She smiled at the two but her eyes held concern when she saw Alan looking so thin and pale. Eric’s dad had obviously explained the situation to her. “Your father is at work at the moment but he’ll be back in a few hours. It’s lovely to meet you, Alan. Eric has told me so many good things about you.”

 “T … thanks. It … it’s n … nice t ... to meet … y … you t … too.” Alan’s stammer was worse than usual, nerves kicking in over meeting a new person.

 They walked into the kitchen, dragging their suitcases behind them. A large St Bernard’s dog ran up to them. _I forgot about the bloody dog. Damn Alan, don’t be terrified. He’s harmless._

 Alan bent down to stroke the dog, looking more at ease than he had in the house so far. _Wait, what? He’s not scared of dogs? Looks like he likes dogs more than people. That’s a surprise._

 “Eric, w … what’s his name?”

 “Biscuit.”

 “He’s b … beautiful. Who’s a good b …boy? Hmm, Biscuit’s a good boy … yes he is.” The dog wagged his tail madly.

 _This trip might actually go better than expected. Looks like Al’s made a friend._ At that moment, Eric’s sister came into the kitchen, her long blonde hair curled. “Oh my god!”

 Alan flinched and looked up from the dog. Melisa walked up to him, looking him up and down. “You’re thin as a rail! I hope Eric is gentle with you in bed.” She looked him up and down again.

 Eric shot a glare at her. _No, scrap that. It’s not going to go well at all. Can’t ya’ keep ya’ bloody thoughts to ya’self?!_


	9. Don't kiss me there.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The present day scene was awkward to write. Poor Eric, poor Alan.

Two and a half months into the relationship.

 Alan had become comfortable with small hugs and holding hands, though he was never the one to initiate such actions. Alisha had told Eric she was beginning to take a liking to him, having finally managed to have a short conversation with him in art class. If memory was correct, she had stated. “Yeah, he’s not so creepy after all. Just bloody shy, it’s so annoying.”

 Eric entered the changing room, having just played a football match against a rival college. His team had won 3-2, both him and Ronald having scored one of the goals. He heard a loud moan coming from the shower room. Ronald had snuck someone in, probably Claude, for some steamy shower sex to help him unwind after the game.

 Deciding he didn’t want to see Ronald naked again, he went to his dorm block to shower. After showering, he headed to Alan’s room. He knocked and entered. Alan was putting up some of his artwork on the board of his dorm room wall. Alan looked over at him. “Eric?”

 “Yeah, gorgeous?”

 “I think … y … you should get a key for my room … cut. I don’t … like leaving my door unlocked.”

 _Yeah I can see why, after Adrian barged in here._ “Sure, we’ll go sort it out in town later.”

 “T … thanks.”

Eric walked up to the board, eyeing Alan’s artwork. A large painting of a field of light purple flowers caught his eye. “Tha’ paintin' is amazin’, kid.” He said, pointing to the paper.

 “O … oh, it’s not that great but t … thanks.”

 “Wha’ flowers are they?”

 “Erica’s … it … m … means solitude.”

 Eric moved to pulled Alan into a gentle hug. “Well ya’ should never feel alone. I’ll always be here for ya’.” He placed a soft kiss on Alan’s cheek. He tensed but didn’t pull away, so Eric did it again. He placed kisses down his cheek and jaw, before kissing his neck. Alan whimpered and Eric pulled back to frown at him.

 “I don’t like … my neck being k … kissed. I’m s …sorry.”

 Eric shook his head. “No. I should be tha’ one sayin’ sorry. I didn’t realise.” He moved back to hug Alan again. “Wha’ ‘bout ya’ lips? Are ya’ alright if I start kissin’ them?”

 “Yeah … okay.”

 Eric smiled at him, moving his hand to cup the other’s cheek and kissing him softly.

It had taken another month before Alan would start to kiss back but Eric didn’t mind, just the feel of Alan’s lips against his was enough to make his heart skip with happiness. He’d managed to scare Alan again though, not realising until it was too late to just kiss him with a closed mouth. He’d slipped his tongue past Alan’s lips, just to be met with a shocked gasp. Alan had jumped up from the bed they were sitting on, body trembling. It had taken a couple of hours for Eric to calm him again, hugging him softly and apologising. Once again, Alan was never the one to initiate any of the kisses and Eric began to wonder if he really did want to be kissed at all.

\---

***Present day***

 Alan and Eric had been at Eric’s for a few days now. Things were going okay but not great and Eric could see the worried glances his parents were shooting Alan’s way. On the second day, Alan had worn a tight t-shirt, it being too hot for a jumper. It had shown just how thin he was and Eric’s mom looked about ready to cry at seeing him. His sister wasn’t helping the situation, making countless comments about Alan’s weight, ranging from asking what diet he was on to shouting at him to eat more.

 Alan had eaten a bit while at the house, a few bites of toast at breakfast, a bit of a sandwich at lunch and a few spoonful’s of whichever meal Eric’s mom had prepared for dinner. His dad had been keeping a close eye on him, though he hadn’t given Eric any advice on the matter yet.

 Eric and Alan were upstairs, lying on Eric’s double bed after dinner. “Dinner was … delicious.” Alan stated.

 _How would ya' know? Ya' only took one bloody bite! No Eric, don’t mention it. Don’t cause an argument. Just wait for dad to think of something._ “Yeah, mom’s macaroni cheese is my favourite.”

 At that moment, Alan’s stomach rumbled and he rubbed it, a look of discomfort on his face. Eric moved in between his legs and lifted his pj top up, kissing his stomach softly. _I wish I could just kiss everything better for ya', Al._ He moved to pepper kisses all up Alan’s chest and back down under his belly button. A small moan slipped from Alan’s mouth and Eric smirked. “Tha’ spot feels nice too, huh?”

 “Y … yeah, really nice.” Eric continued to kiss the same spot over and over again, until he felt an erection growing against his chin. _Well that’s new._ Instinctively, he moved his hand to rub Alan through the material.

 He heard a startled gasp leave Alan’s mouth and moved his hand quickly. “Shit, Al. I didn’t think … I got carried away, I’m sorry.”

 Alan’s response surprised him. “N … no I … I like it. P … please carry on.”

 _Seriously? He doesn’t even let me snog him. He wants me to -.”_ Ya’ sure?”

 “Y … Yeah.”

 “Ya’ won’t freak out on me, will ya’?”

 “Eric … p … please, I want to.”

 Eric nodded, going back to kissing the spot again. He lifted his head to speak once more. “Okay but tell me if ya’ want me ta’ stop. If ya’ feel uncomfortable.”

 “O … okay.”

 He went back to kissing Alan, hand moving up to rub him tentatively to see if Alan would be okay with his touch. After a while, he slid his hand into his bottoms, stroking him slowly. Alan’s head pressed back into the pillows, small moans slipping from him. “Feel nice, babe?”

 “Y … yes. Ooh , more … please.” Eric pulled the bottoms down to release him, encircling him and pumping him. “Ah, hn.” He moved his thumb to rub Alan’s slit, before moving back down to grip the base. He flicked his tongue over the tip, before taking him into his mouth. “Ah, Eric!” Alan’s hips bucked up into his mouth, as he moved one hand down to grip Eric’s hair.

 He took Alan deep into his mouth, tongue licking up the sides before he sucked. Alan’s back arched up, his face flushed red with pleasure. “E … eric, I’m going to-.” His sentence was cut off by a loud moan, as he released hard down Eric’s throat.

 Eric moved away and swallowed, pulling Alan’s bottoms back up and sitting up. He smirked. “Well, did ya' enjoy that-.” Eric’s smile slipped when he saw the expression on Alan’s face. He looks absolutely terrified. “Al?”

 “G … get away from me!”


	10. Sliced from top to bottom.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hmm yeah this fic is going to be like 20-25 chaps. Got a long way to go.

 Christmas had long since passed, snow falling in blankets on the grounds of Edinburgh. Valentine’s day was a few short 34 hours away and Eric couldn’t wait. He had booked a place at a well-known and highly reviewed restaurant in the old town of Edinburgh. He’d also brought Alan a lot of manga clothing and mechanise to add to the presents he had brought him for Christmas.

 Football matches had been called off for the foreseeable future, the awful Scottish weather putting a stop to the game. Chemistry class had been unusually boring and having no football practice to go to, Eric headed for the canteen. He had text Alan to join him there. He received no reply, he never did and Alan never actually text him to begin with but he knew Alan would come, he always did.

 Eric was right, as he entered the canteen and saw Alan sitting on his own at a table at back of the room. Eric brought himself a ham sandwich and walked over to Alan, kissing him softly on the head. He sat opposite him and Alan pushed his glasses up his nose. His jumper slipped up his arm and that’s when Eric noticed it. His hand shot out to grab Alan’s wrist, looking at the cuts across the top of his forearm. “Who tha' fuck has hurt ya’? Hmm, who did this ta' ya’?” Alan tried to pull his arm away, not answering the questions.

 Eric’s grip tightened and as he looked closely, reality dawned on him. The cuts were straight, lined neatly in rows. _These are self-inflicted?_ With his other hand, he pushed Alan’s jumper up further. More cuts lined up his arm, ending just below his elbow. Eric turned Alan’s arm over. _Shit!_ Deep, wide slices ran across Alan’s wrists and upwards. He released his grip and looked up at Alan, to see him staring at him wide eyed, lip drawn into his mouth. “Al, wha’ tha’ hell?”

 Silence. Alan shot up from the table and ran from the room. Eric raced after him and grabbed his backpack, stopping Alan in his tracks. Alan turned around. “Er-.” Eric grabbed his hand and dragged him back through campus and across the road to his dorm block.

 Once he’d got Alan into his dorm room, he locked the door and pushed Alan against the wall. “Take ya’ jumper off.”

 “Eric … please don’t -.”

 “Now! Take tha' bloody thing off!”

 Alan looked down, whispering “P … please don’t be angry.”

Sighing, Eric lowered his voice. “I’m not angry. Just take ya’ jumper off. Now.” He paused and added “please, Al.”

 Alan did as he was asked, dropping it to the floor and averting the other’s gaze. Eric shuddered, seeing more cuts lining up the tops of Alan’s arms, mingled in with healing cuts and scars. He moved to lift Alan’s top up, sighing sadly at the red lines against his pale skin. He spotted some round scars. _What? Are those burns?_ “Alan-.”

 “I’m sorry! Please don’t shout … at m … me.”

 _What? Why would I shout?_ “I’m not gunna’. I’m not mad. Just concerned. Wha’ about ya’ legs? Have ya’…?” Alan nodded. _But why? Ya’ too beautiful to do shit like this to ya’self! “_ Why did ya’ do this ta’ ya’self?”

 Alan didn’t answer. He never answered that question, no matter how many times it was asked. Not when Eric asked if someone was bullying him again. Silence.

\---

***Present day***

 Eric looked at Alan in shock. “I didn’t mean ta’ upset ya’.” _Why didn’t ya' just tell me to stop?_

 “G … go away.” Alan turned over on the bed, curling up into a ball and doing something Eric had never seen him do before. He began to sob. Eric had never seen anything other than fear from the teenager; he had never seen him shed a single tear.

 “I’m not goin’ anywhere, Al.” He lay down on the covers, scooting up behind Alan and wrapping an arm softly around him. “Why didn’t ya’ tell me ta’ stop?”

 “Because … I wanted you to do t …that. It wasn’t until … after … that I … I-.” Anymore words were lost, as his sobs grew, his body trembling under Eric’s arm.

 Eric moved away from him and sat up, scooping him up in his arms and placing him on his lap. Alan cried into his neck. “Tha' ya' wha’, Al?” Alan shook his head, tears running down Eric’s skin. “Al, please. Ya’ need ta' start talkin’ ta' me." Nothing but the sound of sobs filled the room, until Alan had cried himself to sleep.

 That night was filled with Alan tossing and turning, whimpering and crying in his sleep. He would wake up from his nightmares and cling to Eric’s t-shirt, before falling back to sleep. He still wouldn’t tell Eric what the nightmares were about, his questions being met with silence, broken only by tired sobs. The night seemed to never end, being on constant repeat, the amount of nightmares Alan had seeming endless. Eric tried to comfort him, though he didn’t know how. _How can I help ya’ , when I don’t know what’s wrong?_


	11. Attack On Titan : Before The Fall.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ganga = Weed/ Pot. Thanks dance4thedead for helping me on how to slip this in bit in ;)  
> Man this chapter made me so sad. All of it has tbf.
> 
> Had to edit this chapter. Went a bit overboard on the asthma attacks to begin with.

 It was the day after Eric had discovered Alan’s self-harm and he had been trying to find out why he was doing it. He’d continued to ask Alan about it but he didn’t ever get a reply, sometimes just a small shrug of Alan’s shoulders. He’d even asked Alisha is she had seen anyone causing him grief in class but she hadn’t. She’d asked Eric why he had asked but Eric just replied with “No reason. Was jus' checkin’ up on him.” He didn’t want anyone to find out about what had happened, knowing that someone was bound to tease Alan about it. He definitely wasn’t telling Alisha, he’d learnt that she couldn’t keep a secret if her life depended on it.

 He hoped that now he had found out about the cutting, Alan might stop. Maybe. Hopefully. He was concerned and it was also making his mood low, so he went to see Ronald on the night time. The cheeky teenager could always cheer him up. He knew by now to knock the door before entering and did so. “Yeah. Come on in.”

 He stepped inside. _Oh Jesus Christ!_ “Don’t tell me ta’ come in when ya’ bloody naked!” Ronald and Claude were cuddled on top of the covers, both completely bare.

 “Haha. Don’t pretend ya’ don’t like it.”

 “Ya’ not tha’ one I wanna’ see naked, sorry mate.” Eric took a seat at Ronald’s desk. _What the hell is that smell? It smells like-._ “Why does ya’ room smell like Ganga?”

 Ronald grinned at him. “’Cause Weed’s tha’ best way ta’ unwind after gettin’ on it. Claude offered me some, how could I refuse?”

 “Why hasn’t ya’ smoke alarm gone off though?”

 “’Cause I fiddled wi’ it. I got skills, man.” Ronald explained, winking at Eric.

 Eric smirked at the two of them. “Does tha’ shag of yours ever actually go ta’ work? He’s always here.”

 “I’ll have you know that I was in at 5am this morning, due to an audit at my branch. Why they chose to do it that early is beyond me. This,” he stated, picking up the Weed grinder and shaking it “is the only thing that could relax me after such an ordeal.”

 Eric laughed at him. “Oh, did I hit a nerve, Claude?”

\---

 That visit had actually cheered him up quite a bit, though he wasn’t actually sure why. He went to his dorm, it now being past midnight and lay down on his bed. He was still excited about Valentine’s day tomorrow. It had fallen on a Saturday and he had a lot planned for the two of them. He just hoped nothing would happen tomorrow to make his concern grow. He was most excited about what he planned to say to Alan. _I’ll tell ya’ that I love ya’. I’ll finally say it, instead of just thinking it._

 Valentine’s day morning came around quickly, though Eric was glad. He really couldn’t wait to say those three important words to Alan. He went over to Alan’s early that morning, wishing to spend as much of the day as he could with the boy. He held a large box in his hand, wrapped up in red paper, containing all the manga related items he had brought for Alan.

 He tapped on the door with his foot, not being able to unlock it with such a big box in his hands. Alan opened it, a surprised look on his face when he saw the box. “Happy Valentine’s day, babe.” Eric said, before placing a small kiss on the other’s lips. “I hope you’ll like this.” He passed the box over and Alan blushed.

 “Thanks Eric … I brought you … something too.” He moved the box onto his bed and bent under it, pulling out a medium sized parcel. “I hope you’ll like …. it too.” He handed it to Eric. _That’s so sweet of you Al, I didn’t expect you to get me anything._ Eric unwrapped it, to find a signed photograph of the current England football squad. _Holy shit. That must have cost a bomb._ He frowned slightly, wondering how Alan could have afforded it.

 “You … don’t like it … I’m sorry.” Alan looked away sadly.

 “I love it! Babe, it’s jus’ tha’ it must ‘ave cost a lot. Ya’ shouldn’t waste ya’ money on me.”

 “But … I wanted to. I don’t care about the money.”

 “But Al, you said before tha' ya' didn’t even 'ave tha’ money for ya’ comics.”

 “I saved up for … it.”

 _That’s so sweet, Al. god, I’m so lucky to have found ya’._ He placed the gift on Alan’s bed, pulling him into a tight embrace. “Thank ya’ so much, babe. I love ya’ so much.” The words slipped out sooner than Eric was expecting, not having planned to say them until they were out at dinner.

 Alan flinched and pulled back, panic in his eyes. “You … l … love me?”

 _Shit did I say it too soon? I’ve managed to frighten him again but I can’t take those words back. I never would. I mean it, ever word._ “Yeah … I do.”

 Alan looked down, a small blush crossing his cheeks and whispered “I love … you too, Eric.” It was barely audible but it was there all the same and it made Eric’s heart fill with glee. _He loves me? He really loves me!_

 Alan looked over at his box. “C … can I open it now?”

 _What? Ya’ don’t have to ask._ “Of course, it is ya’ present after all.”The box included a few ‘Attack On Titan’ T-shirts, a men’s necklace with ‘L’ on it, A’ Vampire Knight’ backpack and a hoodie with the words ‘L, did you know, gods of death love apples?’, among other small gifts.

 Alan eyed the presents in awe. “Eric … thanks so much. I … I really don’t deserve such … k … kindness.”

 Eric cupped his chin and looked him in the eyes. “Don’t be silly, ya’ deserve tha’ world.” Alan went bright red.

\--

 The day was spent touring around Edinburgh, visiting places they hadn’t yet been to. Eric once again took Alan to Waterstones and loaded them both up with more comic books, including the all the currently released volumes of ‘Attack On Titan: Before The Fall’.

 Later that afternoon, they went back to their dorm rooms to get ready for the date at the restaurant. When Eric went around to Alan’s room, he was happy to see Alan was wearing the hoodie he had brought for him. Looking closer, he realised he’d brought the wrong size. “Tha’ hoodie is kinda’ big on ya’, kid. Did I ge' a medium by mistake?”

 “N … no, it’s a small.”

 “Oh. I thought ya’ was a small?”

 “No … extra small.”

 Eric frowned. _I’m sure he was a small at Christmas, when I got him that Death Note t-shirt. Has he lo-.”_

 He was pulled from his thoughts by the other’s voice. “Eric … are you okay? Y … you look angry?”

 “Na. Jus’ thinkin’, sorry. Come on or we're gunna’ be late for our table.”

 They headed to the restaurant, which served mainly Italian food, Eric’s favourite. Eric ordered Spaghetti Bolognese and Alan a Caesar Salad. “Don’t ya’ wanna treat ya’self, kid? Come on, I’m payin’, indulge a bit.”

 “No I … I’m fine … really.”

 Eric ate his Bolognese hungrily, scoffing it down within minutes. He looked across the table to Alan, to see him just picking at his salad, not eating much of it. _Does this kid ever eat? Maybe he just doesn’t have much of an appetite, or maybe I should keep a closer eye on this?_

\---

****Present day.****

 Eric woke up that morning to the sound of sobbing. Alan wasn’t next to him in bed. He sat up and looked around, spotting Alan huddled in the corner of the room, shaking and crying on the floor with his head on his knees. He got up quickly, moving to sit in front of Alan. “Al?” Eric reached over to touch Alan’s arm.

 “Don’t touch me!” Alan’s back pressed tighter against the wall.

 “Al, please … what’s tha’ matter?”

 Alan looked up, eyes puffy with tears. “E … Eric?”

 _Who else would it be? What the hell is going on here?_ “Yeah, I’m here. Please jus’ try and calm down.” _But how much longer will I be here before I can't take seeing ya' like this anymore?_

 “Hu ….”

“Wha’?”

 “H … hug.” Never before had Alan asked for such a thing and it surprised Eric for a second but the boy looked broken, completely torn up from the inside out. He looked pained, confused, terrified and many more things that Eric couldn’t quite recognise as emotions. Alan needed comforting, now more than ever. He scooped the boy up, barely able to feel any weight to him and carried him over to the bed.

 He reached over to slide Alan’s glasses on, before hugging him tightly. “There, at least ya’ can see now.” He said, trying to lighten the mood. Alan just nodded.

\--

 It had taken a few hours before Alan had calmed down enough to leave the bedroom. “Let’s go downstairs for some brekki’, then I’ll read ya’ some of tha’ Death Note book ya’ brought wi’ ya’. Wha’ was it called again?”

 “Okay … Death Note … Another Note.”

 They headed downstairs and as they reached the kitchen, Eric noticed how shaky Alan was on his legs. “Al , are ya’ feelin’ okay?”

 Alan let out a choked sob, bending over slightly, hands gripping the edge of the table. He began to wheeze, eyes squeezing shut as he tried to steady his breath. It didn’t work, his breath coming out in sharp, desperate gasps. _Shit. He’s having another asthma attack._ “Jus’ hang on Al, I’m gunna’ go get ya’ inhaler.” Eric’s voice was full of panic, as he raced back up the stairs to grab the inhaler. _Shit, shit. Shit! I should have kept it on me all the time._

 He ran back down the stairs, nearly tripping on the way. When he reached the kitchen, he pulled the cap off the inhaler and pressed it between Alan’s lips. “Al, take a deep breath, okay?” He pressed the inhaler button down and Alan took a shaky breath in. After another puff of the inhaler, Alan’s breath began to steady.

 “What is going on in here?” Sharon asked, as she walked into the room, having heard the commotion. She saw Alan hunched over the table. “Get him to sit down, Eric.” Eric helped him onto the kitchen chair and Sharon stooped in front of the chair, taking Alan’s hands in her own gently. “Alan, darling, what’s the matter?” Weak whimpers left the boys mouth, as tears slid down his cheeks.

 The hours passed, with Alan continuing to be in a state of upset and panic, Eric and Sharon trying to comfort him. Matthew came home early, having had a half day at his surgery, just before Alan had a second, worse asthma attack. He tried to get Alan to calm down but the boy seemed barely in touch with reality. He’d just sit there, crying and shaking. Eric was on edge, not knowing if Alan would slip into another attack but knowing if they continued to happen, he would have to call an ambulance.

 His dad had taken Eric to one side, an explanation for the situation being revealed. “It seems he’s having panic attacks and it’s making his asthma worsen.”

 Eventually, as day faded into night, Alan began to calm down, mainly from being too exhausted to cry anymore. He’d lain on the sofa, cuddled up next to Biscuit, as sleep overtook him. Eric looked over, smiling sadly. Alan looked adorable, asleep with one arm looped over the dog’s neck, his head atop of Biscuit’s. The dog was normally energetic but he lay still, like he knew to be gentle with the ill boy. Still, Eric was scared. Terrified of what tomorrow may bring. He placed a blanket over the two of them.

 “Son.” Eric turned to see his dad eyeing him sadly. “I think it’s time we had a talk.”


	12. We just can't help him. It's hopeless. Dad, he's gunna' die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I edited the last chap a tiny bit. Someone pointed out that Alan would end up in hospital if he had too many asthma attacks, so I toned it down a lil'.

****Past****

 Over the next month or so, Eric kept a closer eye on Alan’s eating habits. He began to realise that Alan didn’t eat much of anything. Still, Eric wasn’t sure if he just didn’t find food appealing or if something more concerning was at play. Eric had tried to take him out for lunch on numerous occasions, to different sorts of food outlets. Alan didn’t seem to like pizza or McDonald’s or KFC. He would take a few bites and then leave the rest or just pick at his food, seemingly uninterested in it. Cookies, candy and chocolate got the same reaction.

 Thinking and hoping that maybe Alan was just health conscious, Eric changed his tactics. As Easter came and went, Eric started bringing him more healthy food options, fruit, small pots of yoghurt and tins of soup. He left them in Alan’s dorm room, accompanied with a kiss to Alan’s cheek and a “I brought ya’ somethin’ ta’ eat while ya’ do ya’ artwork, babe.” Alan would always thank him but Eric noted the fear in boy’s eyes whenever food was mentioned. The nervous biting of a lip.

 Eric began to feel less worried, when he noticed that the food wasn’t where he had left it. _That’s good. He’s probably eaten it._ He moved his attention back to Alan’s self-harm but that had seemed to have stopped too. There were no new cuts on his wrists or up his arms when Alan decided to wear shorter tops in his dorm room due to the weather getting better but the scars were easy to see, a constant reminder than Eric would still need to keep an eye on him. _I just hope he isn’t cutting where I can’t see. No, I should think more positively._

 Things seemed to be improving, not only with Alan’s mental state but also with their relationship. The one night, Eric was feeling lonely and decided to go see Alan. It was almost midnight and he hoped Alan would still be awake. He let himself into Alan’s room and walked over to his bed. Alan hadn’t fell to sleep properly yet but tiredness was starting to overtake him. “Hey, Al.”

 Alan rolled over to face him and flinched. “Eric … I didn’t hear … you come in. Why … are you here? … It … it’s late.”

 _Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. I don’t want to scare him._ “Well I jus’ came ta' see- no never mind, I should go. Let ya’ ge' some sleep.”

 “Y … you came to see me, this late?”

 _Shit. He looks scared._ “I – Erm. I jus' missed ya’, Al.”

 “Really? Y … you missed me?” Alan asked, sitting up in bed.

 _I should just go. This is getting awkward. No, if I just leave it might hurt his feelings. I guess I’ll just say it and hope for the best. If I ask him and he says no or gets anxious, I’ll just leave then._ “Yeah. I missed ya’ a lot. I always do when ya’ not around. I came - well ... I wanted a cuddle.”

 “Oh … okay.”

 “Can I 'ave one?”

 Alan bit his lip for a moment, looking away, before speaking again. “Yeah … s …sure.”

 _He said yes? Oh. No, that’s good. Wait, don’t just stand there! You’ll just unnerve him more._ Eric kicked his shoes off and pulled the covers up, sliding underneath them. “Well, come give us a hug then, Al.” Alan slid up next to him and Eric wrapped his arms around him. Alan rested his head on Eric’s chest, falling to sleep quickly. Eric watched him sleep, _man, that’s just too cute,_ until he too fell to sleep.

 The end of April drew near and Alan seemed to be more at ease around Eric as the days passed. He even began to give him a light peck on the cheek. It made Eric feel so happy and hopeful for the future. _Maybe one day this kid will relax around me properly. I hope so, I love him to pieces._

 _****_ Present day _****_

 Matthew walked out of the room, into the garden and Eric followed him, nervous of what his father would say. _I really hope you’ve figured out how to help him, dad._ It was dark outside and his dad turned the garden light on, moving to sit down at the garden table. Eric sat across the table from him.

 “Son, what happened last night?”

 _Last night? What does he mean?_ “Eh?”

 “I heard Alan shouting. I was upstairs trying to search more into how to help him and I heard what he said. Get away from me?”

 _Shit. How am I supposed to explain that? To my dad?!_ “Oh. No, it was nothin'. Nothin' happened.”

 “Son, please tell me. He was obviously distressed.” Eric didn’t answer, he didn’t know how to and so Matthew continued. “Did you two have an argument or something?”

 “No.” _Crap. I should have just said yes, he’s going to ask me even more questions now. No, lying to him won’t solve anything. It won’t help Alan._

 “Then what did happen?”

 “It’s kinda’ complicated, dad.”

“Not as complicated as some of my patients, I’m quite sure of that.” He gave Eric a warm smile, trying to reassure him.

 “Dad-.”

 “Am I going to have to start guessing?”

“No, dad it’s just-.”

 “Do you not realise how sick Alan is? You don’t have to be a doctor to see that he’s very ill. Now really isn’t the time to avoid my questions. Whatever happened, I hope you realise that I will not judge either of you. I’m here to help. You asked for my help, did you not?”

 “Yeah I did. He … needs help.”

“Then please just tell me.”

 “Dad, no –.” _Shit, I really don’t have a choice, do I?_ “I … I touched him.”

 “Touched him? You mean-?”

 “Yeah, I mean in tha’ way.”

 His father sighed. “Without his consent?”

 _What the fuck?!_ “No! I … I wouldn’t do stuff like tha’ ta’ him.”

 “Then why did he start shouting at you?”

“I don’t know! I don’t know wha’ goes on in Al’s head most of tha' time.” _Any of the time.  "_ He … he jus’ freaked out after. He asked me to … then he went off on one.”

 “I see. Has he ever acted like that before?”

 “No. He’s never asked before … I dunno’ why he did.”

 “Then how does he normally act?”

 It was Eric’s turn to sigh. “Scared. All tha’ time. Of me, of everythin’.”

 Matthew paused to think for a moment, before speaking again. “Has he always been like that?”

 “Yeah … since day one. He’s always been jumpy. I don’t know wha’ he’s even scared of.”

 “Have you thought to ask him?”

 “I ask him all tha’ time. I try ta' get him ta' talk ta’ me all tha’ time but he never does. He never tells me how he’s feelin’.”

 “Well. From what I’ve seen, especially from today’s panic attacks, I think he has anxiety. Severe anxiety. However, we can’t help him if we don’t know the cause. We can’t put him at ease if we don’t know what’s making him uneasy to begin with.”

 “Dad, I’ve been tryin’ for like six months ta' find out. He jus’ won’t tell me. I’m gettin’ really worried ‘bout him.”

 “Yes. Me and your mother are also extremely concerned. I was about to call an ambulance for him earlier.” He paused and then continued. “He’s obviously underweight and we have both noticed how he barely eats. However I can’t diagnose him with an eating disorder or an anxiety disorder because I’m not a psychologist.”

 _Eating disorder, yeah. Obviously. But having someone even hint at it makes it all too real._ Eric felt himself tear up; things really were bad. Alan really was sick; his family could easily see this too. “Wha' are we supposed ta’ do? I … I’m afraid at this rate I'm gunna’ lose him.” The tears began to fall and Eric put his head in his hands, taking a shaky breath.

 “You love him very much, don’t you son?”

 “Ye … yeah.” _Isn’t it obvious that I adore him?_

 “I can see why. He is a very sweet young man, it’s clear to see.” He paused again, consider Eric’s previous words. “You are right, if we don’t get him help soon … well his health is already failing him. I’ll try to talk to him tomorrow. Try to get insight into what’s going on in his head. From there, we can try to get him the right kind of help, while he is here and then again once he returns to college”

_He probably won’t talk to you either. It’s just all seems so hopeless. I’m going to lose him. It’s obvious. We won’t be able to help him. He won't let us._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the next chap is going to switch points of view for the present bit. From Eric to his dad.


	13. Don't hurt me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This point of view and the thought switch in the present part but I have stated the change.

****Past****

 The end of April became the end of May and there was still no sign that Alan had hurt himself again, at least not on the places Eric could see. Alan seemed more at ease around Eric but the fearful look never left him. One night, around ten pm, Eric text Alan to come over to his room. _Let’s see if he will trust me enough to come over._

 A few minutes later, Alan entered his room, Eric having gotten an extra key for his dorm room also. He was clad in pjs and a pair of converse, a manga volume in his hand. “You w … wanted to see m … me?”

 Eric smiled at him and pulled the bed covers back, patting the space next to him. “Yeah. Get in, Al.”

 “N … no. I d … don’t want to.” _What?_

 “Don’t wanna’ cuddle?”

 “Oh ….” Alan let out a shaky breath. “S … sure.” _What the hell did he think I meant? Oh. Does he think I was going to-.”_

 Alan moved to put his manga on Eric’s desk and then sat on the edge of the bed, pulling his shoes off. He lay down and Eric moved the covers back over them both, pulling Alan into his arms. Alan tensed up, whimpering slightly. _He does!_   _He seriously does think I’m going to try it on with him._

 Eventually Alan relaxed and they fell to sleep. The next morning, Alan left to go get ready for lessons and that’s when Eric noticed he’d left his manga comic on his desk. He left his room to go return it. Opening the door, he noticed Alan wasn’t there. _He must have gone for a shower; I’ll just find where he keeps these and pop it back._ Eric opened the top drawer of Alan’s storage unit and his heart dropped. Most of the food he’d been leaving Alan over the past six weeks was crammed inside of it. _Shit. He hasn’t eaten any of it._

 At that moment, the door opened and Alan entered. Seeing what Eric was looking at, he stammered “E … Eric, I-.”

 Eric looked at him. “Do ya’ ever fucking eat?”

 Alan averted his gaze to the floor. “I … I’m sorry. Please don’t g … get angry at me.” _There he goes with the angry thing again. Why does he always think I’m going to get mad at him?_

 He walked over to Alan and pulled him into a hug. “I’m not mad."  _Just concerned. Very concerned. "_ You just need ta’ eat, it’s not good for ya’ not ta’. Please just promise me ya’ will try ta’ eat more from now on.”

 “Y … yeah. O … okay.”

 Eric soon found Alan’s words to be a lie, when he realised the boy had lost even more weight.

****Present day****

Eric’s Pov.

 Eric and his dad had spent almost an hour in the garden, his dad asking him for every bit of information he could on Alan. When the Eric had first found out Alan had self-harmed. When the nightmares had first begun. The things Alan said, including the way he always pleaded with Eric not to be mad at him.

 Once his dad was satisfied that he had all the background on their relationship and Alan’s portrayed personality, Eric went back to the living room. Alan was still asleep with Biscuit and so he took a seat across the room from them and drifted off to sleep himself.

 He was startled awake by the sound of barking. Biscuit had moved from under Alan on the sofa and was now standing in front of it, barking loudly. Eric stood up and realised the cause of the dog’s distress. Alan was thrashing about on the sofa, groaning and whimpering the words “No. Stop it! L … leave me alone.” _Stop it?_

 Eric moved over to him and shook him, trying to wake him up. “Al. Babe, wake up.”

 At that moment, Sharon came down the stairs and into the living room. “Is everything okay in here? I heard Biscuit barking.”

 “Yeah. Al’s jus’ havin’ a nightmare.” He shook him again. “Al, come on, wake up!”

 Alan sat up abruptly, eyes wide and his head cracked off of Eric’s “Ah, Shit. Tha' hurt.”

 “I ... I’m sorry. I … didn’t mean to! P … please don’t hurt me!” He began to cry.

 _What the hell? Hurt ya'? Where did you get that from?_ He pulled Alan into a hug, his head beginning to pound from the blow. “I’d never hurt ya’. I know ya’ didn’t mean ta’. Come on, let's go ta’ bed.” Alan nodded and Eric scooped him up and carried him upstairs. His mother followed behind, going back to her own bedroom.

**** Change of pov to Matthew’s.****

 Once his wife had explained why Biscuit had been barking, he sighed. “What’s wrong, dear?” She asked.

 “This whole situation. It’s frustrating.”

 “Because Alan won’t tell us what’s wrong?”

He shook his head. “No. Because he won’t open up to Eric. I can see the stress it’s causing him.”

 “So can I. It’s such a shame, for the both of them. Have you figured out a way to help Alan yet?”

 _No. I doubt I can._ “I’m not sure. With what Eric has told me, I find it hard to believe that he will open up to me. That he will let me help him.”

 “Oh. I see.” She replied sadly.

 “That’s not what’s bothering me.”

 She shot him a confused look. “Then what is?”

 “That being a doctor has hardened me to such things. I lack the ability to sympathise with a boy who is putting himself through such things. Who is putting my son through such things.” _My children always come first. No one but my family really matters to me._

 “But Alan is a nice boy. He’s just struggling.”

“And he’s dragging Eric down with him. The only reason I’m trying to help this boy is because Eric asked me to.”

 “He’s not drag-.”

 He gritted his teeth. “Yes he is, Sharon. He’s no good for our son. Eric never gets upset.” _He’s a closed off man, just like me._ “But I have never seen him cry so many tears. I have never seen him in such distress.”

 “What are you saying, Matthew?”

 “That if this boy refuses my help, I will tell him straight to leave my son alone.” _And try not to lose my composure. My son comes first. He always will._

 “That’s not fair, y-.”

 “No! What isn’t fair is seeing how much someone cares for you, how much you are hurting someone and still doing nothing to put them at ease. He’s doing the opposite, knowing how concerned Eric is for him and still allowing himself to get worse. Eric has begged him time and time again to just let him help him, to just explain what’s making him hurt himself and he refuses. He just blanks Eric like he doesn’t exist.” _Like he doesn’t matter. “_ How is that fair?” He said, his anger showing.

 “He probably doesn’t mean to. He’s just sick. I think he loves Eric just as much as Eric loves him.”

 He softened his tone. “Maybe that is true. Maybe he doesn’t realise but tomorrow I will make him realise. If he doesn’t accept my offer for help, I will just have to tell him the harsh reality.” _I’m not letting Eric have a mental breakdown over trying to help someone who doesn’t want his help. Who obvious doesn’t want him around._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm. Bet you guys weren't expecting that.


	14. I think i have fallen in love with him.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise pairing coming up maybe???
> 
> This is the last past scene in the series because a few weeks after telling Alan to stop cutting, he finds out he's done it again when Alan's pj top has ridden up.

****Past****

 The night of the day in which Eric had confronted Alan about his lack of eating was when the nightmares began. Eric didn’t think much of it the first time; everyone had nightmares at some point. As the night’s passed, Eric realised that maybe he should have been more concerned about them to begin with. Almost every night, Alan would wake up looking petrified, having just been whimpering in his sleep.

 Eric tried to find out what the nightmares involved but just like with all of his other questions, he was met with silence. He eventually had to settle with trying to comfort Alan when he awoke, telling him that the nightmares weren’t real, that he was safe, that everything was okay.

 The days passed quickly and it was now the end of June, the college year over in a few short weeks.

 Eric took a trip to Ronald’s room, making sure to knock the door. “Enter.” It was Claude’s voice. He walked into the room, to see the pair cuddled up in bed, with actual clothes on. Ronald was still asleep, it not being noon yet, with his head cuddled into Claude’s chest. The smell of Weed was weak in the air but it was a clue to what the pair had been up to in the early hours of the morning.

 “How’s it goin'?” Eric asked, taking a seat at Ronald’s desk.

 “Fine.” Came the short reply.

 “Really? Ya’ don’t sound very happy, Claude.”

 Claude sighed, looking down at the teenager in his arms. “He really is quite adorable when he sleeps.”

 Eric smirked. “If ya’ say so. At least ya’ ain’t shaggin’ for once.”

 “No. You could say that I wasn’t in the mood last night.”

 “Shockin’.”

 “Do you think this boy is just sex to me?”

 “Well, yeah. Duh. Isn’t tha’ all it is? Friends wi’ benefits?”

 Claude sighed again. “Maybe to him is it.”

 Eric frowned. “Wha’ do ya’ mean? Seriously, what’s up? Ya’ seem in a shitty mood.”

 “It doesn’t matter.”

 “Na. Come on, tell me. Thought we were friends too?”

 “I suppose you are correct to assume such. I … I am quite fond of this boy.”

 “Then ask him out properly.”

 Another, more exasperated sigh. “I doubt he feels the same way. He is still quite young.”

 “I think he’s fond of ya’ too. He ain’t been shaggin’ anyone else, right?”

 “No, he hasn’t. However I am not just fond of him. I feel I have fallen for him. He couldn’t possibly feel the same way.” He smiled down sadly at Ronald.

 “Well ask him then.”

 “And possibly scare him off? I find that to be an unwise move.”

 “Well it’s up ta’ ya’ but if ya’ don’t ask, ya’ will never know.” At that point, Ronald stirred.

 “Mornin’ babe. Oh hey, Eric. Wait, wha’ time is it?”

 “11.30.” Eric stated.

 “Shit! I’m late for class. I gotta’ hurry.” He got out of bed and changed quickly, rushing out of the room. “If y’ ain’t got work in a bit Claude, I’ll see y’ later. Wait here for me, I’ve already missed an hour of class, I’ll be back in another half.”

 “I think he is fond of ya’, if he wants ya’ ta' wait around for him.”

 “Maybe you are right but still, I do not want to risk losing him completely.”

 “Well, whatever. I would but it ain’t up ta’ me. I’ll see ya’ around.” With that, Eric left the room. He had class in an hour and needed to finish a bit of coursework up before he went.

\--

 Class had been quite fun, Adrian managing to set fire to his desk. Plus, they got to leave class early due to this. Eric made his way to Alan’s room and let himself in. Alan was on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Eric walked over to him. “Hey babe, wha’ ya’ lookin’ -.”

 _What the fuck?!_ Alan’s light coloured t-shirt was stained with blood. He moved to sit next to Alan on the bed, pulling his top up. Alan flinched, realising Eric was in his room. Eric didn’t notice, being too intent on the deep slices on the boy’s ribs. “Eric -.”

 “Wha’ tha’ fuck? Wha’ tha’ fuck is wrong wi’ ya’? Doin’ this shit ta’ ya’self again.”

 “I … I’m sorry.”

 “Please stop doin’ this. Ya’ too amazin’ ta' be doing this.”

 “I … I’m not amazing.”

 Eric sighed. “Yes. Yes ya’ are. Ta' me ya’ are. Promise me you’ll stop this. Please jus’ stop this stupidity.”

 “I … okay. I will. I … I’m sorry.”

 “Ya’ lucky, ya’ know, any deeper and ya’ would ‘ave needed stitches. Let’s jus’ get ya’ bandaged up.”

****Present****

 It was all lies, Eric thought looking back on that day. Alan didn’t mean what he had said. He’d had no intention of stopping.

 That night had been awful, Alan having one nightmare after another, much like the previous night. As the morning was drawing to a close, Alan had worked himself into such upset that he had thrown up stomach acid. Once he had calmed down, Eric went to get him a glass of water. _I don’t want him getting dehydrated from being sick again._

 Eric then took him to the bathroom, running a bath and stripping Alan’s sick stained top off. “Do ya’ want me ta’ keep my underwear on this time?” Alan nodded.

 Once they were both bare apart from their underwear, they got into the bath. Alan snuggled up between his legs, back pressed against the other’s chest. _Shit. The back of ya’ ribs are digging into me. That cannot be healthy. I just hope dad speaks to ya’ later._

 Eric washed Alan’s hair, rinsing it off carefully with the shower head which joined to the taps, to make sure he didn’t get any shampoo in Alan’s eyes. Alan then cleaned his body and snuggled back closer to him. _Ouch. Bones. This is uncomfortable ya’ know._ Eric wrapped his arms around him and rested his chin on Alan’s shoulder.

 Alan took a sharp intake of breath. “Al, ya’ alright?”

 “Yeah. I … I’m fine. Your stubble just tickled me.”

 “Oh, I’m sorry. We can’t all have baby soft skin. Ya’ know, I sometimes wonder if ya’ 'ave actually hit puberty.” He ran his chin along the same spot and Alan let out a soft giggle. _What was that? He actually laughed? I wish I’d have heard that sooner, it’s so cute!_

 “Eric stops … t … that tickles!”

 “How was I supposed ta’ know ya’ was ticklish?”

 Once they had changed into clean clothes, Eric scooped Alan up in his arms and carried him back to the bedroom. He dropped him softly onto the bed and moved to lean down in front of him. He slid his hands under Alan’s T-shirt. “Let’s see where else ya’ ticklish.” He tickled up Alan’s sides and Alan laughed loudly. Eric had never heard him laugh before. _So adorable._

 “Eric … stop it! It really tickles!”

 Eric stopped for a moment and smirked at him. “Well I know now tha' if ya’ bein’ moody, I jus’ have ta’ tickle ya'.”

 “Y … you think I’m m … moody?”

 “I’m jus’ messin’.” He moved his hands back to Alan’s skin.

 “Stop it!” He laughed again. “It’s s … sensitive!”

 “Na. Don’t wanna’. Ya’ laugh’s too sweet ta’ stop.”

 Eventually Eric did stop and they went down to the kitchen. “Wha’ do ya’ want for brekki?”

 “I … I’m not hungry.”

“Al, ya’ didn’t eat yesterday and ya’ stomach was rumbling tha’ night before tha’. Don’t lie ta' me.” _Don’t bullshit me. You’re eating this morning, no buts._

 “I-.”

 At that moment, Matthew entered the kitchen. “Alan, may I have a word with you in the living room?”

 A look of panic crossed Alan’s face but he nodded, speaking quietly. “O … okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is Alan's pov and then it switches to Matthew’s.


	15. Leave my son alone.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alan's thought will seem a bit jumbled and won't make sense to you atm. But they will in the end :)

***Present Alan's Pov***

 Alan followed Matthew into the living room. “Please take a seat,” the older man said, gesturing to the sofa.

 “O … okay.” Alan sat down and Matthew took a seat on the chair across from him. _What … does he want to speak about? Have I done … something wrong?_

 “I have come to discuss with you some issues that Eric has raised with me.”

 “Oh.” _Issues? He hates … me._

 “He is very concerned about your health. Do you know why?”

 Alan stared at his hands in his lap. Silence.

 “He’s worried because of how frail your appearance is. He’s worried about you harming yourself and refusing to eat.” _Why … is he worried? I deserve it … all of it._

 Met with no reply once again, Matthew continued. “He isn’t the only one who’s noticed how thin you are. How you barely eat. I and Eric’s mother wish to help you but we need to know why you are doing this to yourself first. Will you please try to tell me?”

 Silence. _No! I don’t want to talk about this … about any … of this. You … wouldn’t understand. No one … would._

 “Do you even realise that you are ill?”

 Alan nodded, gaze still fixed downwards. _I know and I … I don’t care. No one cares._

 “Then please let us help you. Please tell us the cause of this.” Alan sat still and quiet. “You do realise you will die if you do not receive help?” _I … don’t care! I … I’m a bad person. I … I deserve to die._

 Matthew sighed. “Do you realise that Eric loves you too much to want that to happen?”

 Silence. _He doesn’t love me. No … one can. All … I do is make … people mad. Everyone._

***Change of Pov to Matthew’s***

 “He wants to help you. He wants you to get better.” _You really don’t care for my son at all, do you? It makes it worse now I know that you know that you are sick. Sharon was wrong; you know exactly what you are doing to my son._

 “Why won’t you let him help you?” Silence. _This boy is starting to grate on my nerves._

 “You do realise how rude it is to ignore your elder’s when they are speaking to you?”

 Alan looked up. “I … I’m sorry. I wasn’t … trying to be rude. Please … don’t be angry with me.” _Why does he always say that? Does he say it to Eric to try to guilt him into letting him carry on with such destructive behaviours? Whatever it is, it ends now. I’m putting a stop to this nonsense._

 “I want you to stop seeing my son.”

 Alan stared at him in shock for a moment, before speaking; voice filled with what Matthew could only think to be panic. “What?! W … why?” _Wait._ _So you do care? Maybe I can still get through to you after all then._

 “Because you are dragging him down with you. You are causing him just as much unnecessary pain as you are to yourself by pushing him away. Either let him help you or leave him alone. If you love him as much as he obviously loves you, you will stop being so cruel.” _You need to realise the pain that you are causing my son._

 “I-.” Tears slipped from Alan’s eyes.

 “I will not let you upset my son in this manner anymore. Do him a favour, let him go and stop being so selfish. He deserves better.” _If that doesn’t knock some sense into him, I don’t know what will._ With that Matthew left the room.

 As he entered the kitchen, Eric looked over at him. “Did ya’ manage-.”

 Matthew shook his head. “No I did not. He doesn’t want our help. You were right.”

 “Dad, we can’t-.”

 “You will tell him to get his bags and leave.”

 “What? No, that’s not-.”

 “This isn’t fair on you, Eric. To be so upset over this boy. I tried to help him for your sake but I have grown tired of this situation. Tell him to get out or I will.” Matthew left the room before Eric could reply. _If that doesn’t make him think twice about his actions, well then I am all out of ideas on how to help him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://xbertyx.deviantart.com/art/20150812-020652-553232914?ga_submit_new=10%253A1439404566
> 
>  
> 
> Doodle of Alan from the start of the series, before he lost a lot of weight. Made him look younger and real cute aha


	16. I'll try.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh btw. Next chapter Will end with the start of year two. Like to think of it as series two aha. New characters, new drama, new loves?

*Eric's pov*

 Eric stood there in shock for what felt like hours. His dad sounded angry. Angry with Alan? I didn’t make sense. Why did he want Alan out of the house?

 Eventually Eric walked into the living room, sitting on the sofa, not even taking note of the fact that Alan was still sitting on it too. Resting his head in his hands, he began to sob. _It’s hopeless. Not even my dad, a doctor, could get through to him._ That fact bothered him more than Alan having to leave the house. Eric could just go back to the college with him but then what? Just watch him fade away?

 “Er …Eric?” Alan asked, scooting closer to him. “Why are … are you crying?”

 Eric looked up and over at him. His eyes were puffy, tears still sliding down his face. “It doesn’t matter, Al." He paused, taking in Alan's appearance. "Why are ya’ cryin’?”

 Alan looked away. “I … don’t deserve you.”

 “Wha’?” _Where did ya' get that idea?_

 “Your … dad. I don’t … make you happy.”

 “My dad? Wha’ did he say ta’ ya’?” _Did he get mad at ya’? Damn Al, what did ya’ say to piss him off?_ Alan looked away. “Alan. Tell me, now.”

 “That I … I’m dragging you down with me. That … I’m upsetting you.”

 _Wait. That’s why dad was pissed off? Because he saw me crying last night?_ “Oh.”

 “I … I’m a bad person. I’m so … sorry, for making you … hate me.”

 Eric choked on a sob at that last statement. _Hate you? I don’t fucking hate you._ “I … I could never hate you, Al. I love you.”

 “Do … do you still want me?”

 _What the hell? When haven’t I?_ “Why are ya' even asking tha'?” Silence. “Alan, tell me.”

 “Your dad told me … to leave you alone. Because I … won’t let you help.”

 “But I don’t want you to leave. I want ya’ wi’ me for tha’ rest of my life. I don’t want-.” The rest of Eric’s words were cut off by more sobs. _I don’t want to lose ya’._ _I don’t want ya’ to die._

 “Please … tell me why you’re crying.” Alan said quietly.

 “Why tha' fuck … should I? Ya’ never tell me anythin’!” Eric saw a hurt look flash across Alan’s face. “I … I’m sorry. Didn’t mean ta’ shout. I … just want ya’ ta' be okay. Al, I jus’ want ya’ ta’ get better.”

 “I didn’t … know I was hurting you so badly. I didn’t mean t … to.”

 Eric wiped his eyes, reaching over to pull Alan into a tight hug. “I know ya’ don’t mean ta’ upset me. I jus’ need ya’ safe. I jus’ need ya’ ta' be okay.”

 “Do … you still want … to help me? I haven’t made you … angry?”

 “I’ll always wanna’ help ya’. I’ll always try ta' help ya’, no matter wha’.”

 Alan pulled back to look at him. “Then … I want to try to. To get better. I … don’t want to cause you anymore pain.”

 “Ya' have ta' try for ya’self too. Ya’ deserve better than wha’ ya’ puttin’ ya’self through.”

 “You really … think I deserve to get … b … better?”

 “No one deserves ta' be healthy and happy more than ya’, Al. I think ya’ deserve tha' world.”

 “Okay … I’ll try to eat more. I’ll really try. For t … the both of us.”

 _Oh Al. Ya’ don’t know how happy hearing that makes me._ “Then … I’ll be here for ya’ tha' best I can. I’ll help ya’ get better, I promise. Do ya’ think it would help if we went back ta' college? Would ya’ feel more comfortable there? _Because we can’t stay here anyway._

 Alan nodded and Eric pulled him into a kiss. Pulling away, Eric spoke again. “Alright, babe. I’ll tell dad later tha' were goin’ home tomorrow. I’ll book tha’ tickets home in a bit.”

 “O … okay. I’d like that.”

\-----

***Change of Pov to Matthew’s.***

 He had been listening to the whole conversation from the hallway outside of the living room. Once he had heard what Alan had said, he walked into the garden, where Sharon was preening a rose bush. “Sharon, I think my strategy may have worked.” _At least I’m hoping so. I hope that boy isn’t just lying to my son again._

 “Oh? What happened, dear?”

 “Alan agreed to try and eat more. It’s not as good as I was hoping for but at least it’s a start.”

 Sharon moved over to him, giving him a big hug. “I’m so glad to hear that. We will just have to keep an eye on them.”

 “That won’t be possible. Alan wants to go back to Edinburgh. I think Eric does too.” _I don’t blame Eric; he’s probably upset about what I said to him earlier. Still, if things improve for my son, I’m happy to take the brunt of his upset._

 “Oh, I see. Well I will just have to keep in touch. Make sure to text him every day. I really haven’t kept in touch with him as much as I should have during his first year. I thought maybe he would like some space but from now on I will make sure I am here for him, like a mother should be there for her son.”

 Matthew smiled. “Yes, we will both be there for him as much as possible. I just hope that things begin to improve.”

 “I’m sure they will, darling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm. who thinks Alan will go against his word? Comment ya' predictions!


	17. I ... can't do this. It's just too ... h ...hard.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 20 kudos on this. Whoop! Also new characters! Always fun!

***The following day. Alan’s Pov.***

 The couple were currently on the train, almost at the Scottish border. Alan was exhausted, suffering more nightmares through the previous night. Breakfast that morning had also exhausted him emotionally. Eric trying to find something that Alan would be comfortable with eating more than just a few bites of and Alan refusing most of the options. Porridge? No. Cereal? No. How about just one slice of toast? No. Finally they agreed on a few pieces of fruit. Not great but a start at least.

_I didn’t deserve that food. I … shouldn’t have eaten that. Maybe I can … excuse myself to the toilets and – no. I can’t. I can’t go back on … my word. I’m already such an … awful person. I can’t disappoint him even … more than … I already do. This … is just so hard. I … didn’t even realise I’d gotten this bad._

 The rest of the train journey was spent with Alan trying to deal with such anxiety, while pretending to be asleep on Eric’s shoulder. Eventually, they arrived back at the college and went to their dorm rooms. _Finally … home._ Eric helped Alan to take this luggage to his room and then pulled him into a hug. “Babe, I forgot ta’ mention somethin’ yesterday.”

 “W … what was it?”

 “I know that ya’ said ya’ would start eatin’ more but I want ya’ to try and stop hurtin’ ya’self too.”

 _I don’t think I can … I don’t even think … I’ll be able to eat more. It’s just too … hard. But if I say no … I’ll just make him angrier. I … I’ll just upset him more._ “Okay … I … I’ll try.”

 “I’ll try ta’ help ya’ tha' best I can wi’ tha’ too. If … ya’ feel tha' urge ta' do it, jus’ tell me and I’ll stay by ya’ side ‘til tha' urge passes, okay?”

 Alan nodded. “O … okay.” _But the urge never … goes away. It hasn’t … for years._

\---------

*** Change to Eric’s point of view. ***

 After going to unpack his own belongings, he text Ronald. ‘Hey mate. Back in Eddie. How are things?’

 This phone beeped almost immediately. ‘Awesome! I’ve missed you, buddie. I’m in my dorm room, got back from home yesterday. Come over.’ Eric frowned. _I thought he was meant to be at Claude’s place?_

 He made his way to Ronald’s room and knocked. “Come in. Not naked, I promise!”

 Eric walked in and burst out laughing. Ronald’s hair was bright green. “Wha’ tha’ fuck ‘ave ya’ done ta’ ya’ hair?”

 “It’s not funny, man! Adrian took me ta' tha' comic convention in town yesterday. I thought it would be cool ta’ dress as tha’ joker. Adrian brought me this dye. He didn’t tell me it was permanent! Tha' bastard. I bet he did it on purpose!”

 “Bloody hell. So ya’ stuck like tha’?”

 “’Fraid so. I’m gunna’ chop his balls of next time I see him.”

 Eric moved to sit on Ronald’s bed. “Why ain’t ya’ at Claude’s?”

 “Oh, that.” Ronald’s face dropped.

 “Everythin’ alright wi’ ya’ two?”

 “Not really, no. He … well he’s been distant. He hasn’t text me or anythin’ since classes ended. I don’t know wha’ is up wi’ him. He won’t return my calls.”

 _Yeah ‘cause he’s in love with ya’ and is probably upset about not being able to tell ya’._ “Well I’m sure ya’ will find someone else. There’s bound ta’ be some hot guys startin’ college soon.”

 “Yeah I guess y’ right.” He sighed sadly.

 “Somethin’ wrong? Don’t ya’ want anyone else?”

 “I … I’m in love wi' him. He’s jus’ amazin’, y’ know? He’s so much fun, never met someone who fits me so well. Guess he got bored wi’ me.” He eyed the floor.

 “Well ya’ know where he lives, don’t ya’?”

 “Yeah, so?”

 “So go tell him how ya’ feel.”

 “Na, he-.”

 Eric cut him off. “Jus’ do it. Trust me on this one, alright?” _Seriously, ya’ guys could be together properly. Ya’ both love each other, ya’ just don’t realise the other’s feelings._

 “Do y’ think he would listen?”

 “Like I said, trust me. Anyway, it’s getting’ late. I need ta’ go get me and Al somthin’ ta’ eat.” _And just hope he will find something he will actually be able to eat._ “I’ll see ya’ tomorrow, once ya’ ge' back from Claude’s.” He shot the man a wide grin, before leaving to go back to Alan’s room.

\------

 Over the next five weeks, Alan did seem to improve somewhat. He was starting to be able to eat more and looked more at ease doing so. The nightmares hadn’t stopped but Eric tried to push that issue to the back of his mind; it wasn’t life threatening after all. Eric also hadn’t seen any evidence of Alan self-harming again, when they had taken baths together. Eric looked forward to the next year that they would spend together, hoping that things would carry on in a positive manner. Hoping that Alan wouldn’t go back on his word.

 The night before classes began again, Eric and Alan were hanging out in Alan’s room. “So I was lookin’ at the schedule for classes earlier and we’ve got a new chemistry lecturer. Have ya’ still got tha’ same people teachin’ ya’?” Eric asked.

 “No … my art tutor has been changed.”

 “Oh, cool. Man or woman?”

 “His name … was Mr Spears. What about y … your lecturer?”

 “Yeah, a dude. Erm Michaelis if I remember correctly. Hopin’ this year will be fun.”

 “Yeah … me too.”

\------

 Two days into the new college year and Eric was thrilled with his new lecturer. He wasn’t anything like the old one, a lot younger and a lot less boring. He was a tall man, with long dark hair and thin glasses. Adrian had been staring at his bottom for most of the lectures but Eric was sort of glad; at least he wasn’t blowing up the class room.

 Alan had also taken a liking to his new art tutor, a man with short black hair and glasses, though Alan had said he seemed quite strict. He had also mentioned a new student in class, Ciel, who had transferred from the same course at a different college. When Alan had mentioned him, his stutter had gotten worse and Eric had wondered if the new boy had done something to frighten him. He had asked but Alan had said there was nothing wrong. That he hadn’t even spoken to the boy. _Al, ya' best not be lying to me. If he has done something, I will find out. Alisha is sure to tell me eventually._

 After class, Eric was sitting in the canteen with Ronald and Alan, chatting about how they were finding the second year so far, when Alisha came rushing up to them, another girl behind her. The girl in question was tall and thin, wearing extremely high heels. _How the hell does she walk in them?_ She also had dyed red hair, with black streaks running through it and was dressed in a red blouse and tight leather jeans. _Seriously, how can ya’ move in those things?_

 “Who’s tha’ new chick?” Ronald asked.

 Alisha smiled. “This is Grell, she’s a first year in art but she has Mr Spears teaching her too. She has quite a thing for him.”

 Grell grinned. “I most certainly do, darling. I’d love to sink my teeth into him.” She flicked her hair over her shoulder and looked at Alan. “But this one right here is a cutie. I’d love to dirty him up a bit too.”

 Eric glared at her. “He’s taken.”

 “Aww. Well looks like I’ll just have to focus my attention on my dear Will.”

 “Will?” Ronald asked.

 “Ah. Yeah, that’s Mr Spear’s first name.” Alisha replied.

 “Yes. I’m already on first name basis with that hottie. I’ll be bent over this desk in no time.” Grell breathed, lust in her eyes. “Just you darlings wait.”

 Once the two women had left, Eric turned to Ronald. “So how did it go wi' Claude? Ya’ never mentioned anythin’ over tha’ holidays.”

 “I … I didn’t go see him.”

“Ronald!”

 “I’ll go tomorrow.” He grinned. “Promise. Jus’ hope tha' he doesn’t cringe at my hair.” _Stop bloody putting it off, ya' wimp. He loves ya' too, stop delaying ya' happiness._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is Ronald actually going to go? Comment yo' opinions!
> 
>  
> 
> Also anyone realise I changed the archive warning? Yeah drama is going to happen.


	18. It wasn't just fun ta' me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoping dance4thedead will enjoy this chapter.

The following day.

 **Ronald’s Pov.**

_I hope y’ know how much you’ve fucked things up for me, Claude. My college and uni years were meant to be the wildest of my life. A chance to let loose. To screw around, get drunk and party. Not to fall in love and want to settle down with someone. I’ll have plenty of time for that when I get old! But no, y’ had to fuck it up. Y’ had to be perfect for me. Y’ had to make me fall in love with y’. Then y’ do this to me. Just ignore me like I’m nothing to y’. Probably because I’m not._

_Okay Ronald, calm down. Just go and tell him how y’ feel. Don’t be so nervous!_ Ronald knocked on Claude’s door. _Just breathe. Damn, why is he taking so long to answer? He should be back from work by now, the bank’s shut. Maybe he’s at someone else's-. No, don’t think about that. But then, he hasn’t spoken to me in like seven weeks. He’s probably moved on. I wish I could. For fuck’s sake, open the-.”_

 The door opened, Claude appearing in the space where wood used to be. “Ronald, what are you doing here?”

 _Coming over to borrow sugar. What the hell do y’ think I’m doing here? I’m here because you’ve been ignoring me and I wanna’ know why._ “I … jus' came ta' talk.”

 “To talk? About what? Do you realise how late it is?”

 _He sounds pissed off. Maybe he doesn’t want to see me._ “I … Erm. Yeah I know but it’s important. Can I come in?”

 “I suppose that I see no reason why you can’t.”

_Phew. Okay, now just breathe and tell him. Tell him y’ love him._

 They walked into the house, sitting down across from each other in the living room. Claude lit up a blunt. “So why are you here? What is so important?”

 “I …” _Bloody spit it out already, y' moron!_

 “You what? If you aren’t going to tell me anytime soon, please leave. I have work early tomorrow and need sleep.”

 _That’s cold of y’. Why are y’ acting like this?!_ “Why ‘ave y’ been ignorin’ me?” _Shit, he looks really pissed off now. Way to go start an argument, Ronald._

 “That’s all you came to ask me? Very well, I thought that you weren’t so naïve. I thought you realised that what we had wouldn’t last forever. It was just a bit of fun, after all.”

_Just a bit of fun?! Is that all I was t-. No, it was obviously just fun to y’. God dammit. I’m going to look like a right moron now._

 Claude took a drag, before speaking once more. “Now that you know my reasons, please leave.”

 “No way in hell!”

 “Excuse me?” The older man frowned.

 “I ain’t leavin’ ‘til I say wha’ I came here ta’ say.” _Maybe I shouldn’t. He doesn’t care anyway. No, I have to. To at least get it off of my chest. No matter what happens, at least I’ll be able to move on. I hope._

 “Then just say it, instead of wasting my time.”

 “It wasn’t jus’ fun ta’ me!” _And the rest. Just say those three words, dammit. Stop being a wimp!_

 “Then what was it to you? I thought you came to me for just friends with benefits? For just sex?”

 “I did b-.”

 “Well then, that settles the matter. Now go.”

 “No!”

 “Ronal-“

 “It became so much more than tha’ ta’ me. Ya ain’t jus’ sex ta’ me. Ya’ … everythin’ ta’ me.”

 “Just get out.” Claude placed his blunt in his ash tray and stood up. “Now.”

 “Hell no!”

 “Now, Ronald don’t ma-.”

 Ronald shot up onto his feet. “I love y’! I’m in love with y’! Why can’t y’ see tha’?!”

 Claude froze on the spot. “What? Don’t be so foolish. You’re too young to know of love.”

 “No, I’m not. I’m not jus’ some kid. I knew wha’ love was when y’ came inta’ my life. I … love y’.” Ronald eyed the floor. _But y’ don’t love me. How could y’ love some ‘kid’._

 His reply surprised Ronald. “Do you really think that? Is that truly what you feel?”

 “Yeah … it is.”

  Claude closed the gap between them. “I have been in love with you for a while also. I just couldn’t admit such, as I didn’t think I meant anything to you.”

 “Y’ mean tha’ world ta’ me. I love y’. So much.”

 “I love you too.” He crashed their lips together. Pulling away, he smirked. “So will you forget about just having sex and let me make love to you instead?”

 “Tha’ would be awesome.”


	19. Research. Ya' lied ta' me, again!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start to go downhill again. 
> 
> Plus a bit of sadness from Ronald's past. Poor boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NHS is the national health service in the UK. It runs all the hospitals and doctors surgeries. We get health care for free here for most things. 
> 
> Had to actually Google eating problems and follow the Web pages for this chapter. Also used the info on the websites. I have an ed, have had for six years but couldn't put it into doctor's terms on my own. Didn't copy the info, changed it up. Didn't wanna' be done for  
> plagiarism lol.

***The next morning. Ronald’s Pov.***

 Ronald rolled over onto his back in bed, waking up. “Morning, beautiful.” Claude said, turning his head to face Ronald.

 “Mornin’, babe.” He said, before yawning.

 “Is someone still tired?”

 “Can y’ blame me? We didn’t ge’ much sleep last night.”

 Claude smirked. “No, we did not.” He rolled over to lie on top of Ronald, kissing down his neck. “But I would rather do things like this than sleep.”

 Ronald blushed slightly. “Same here.” _I’d rather be here with y’ than do anything else in this world._

 “I love you.” Claude breathed, between kisses down the boy’s chest, as he slid down his body, running his tongue over bare nipples.

 Ronald let out a small moan, becoming aroused, as Claude began to suck on the area. “ Hmm … I love y’ … ahh … too.”

 “I suppose I will have to show you how much I love you again, before work drags me away from you.” He slid further down and Ronald’s head pressed into the pillow behind him. His hand moved down to grip the man’s hair, as he felt Claude’s mouth around him. “Ah … fuck babe, so good.” _Y’ make me feel amazing._

_\---_

 Later that day, after classes, Ronald strolled into Eric’s room, a wide grin on his face. Eric looked over at him. “Ya’ look happy.”

 “I am!”

 “So ya’ did go ta’ Claude’s last night then. Ya’ finally told each other tha’ ya’ love each other, huh?”

 “Yep! Wait … how did y’ know Claude loved me?”

 “He told me.”

 “When?! I didn’t hear that! Y’ could ‘ave told me.”

 “Ya’ was fast sleep, mate. Plus don’t moan, I told ya’ ta' trust me 'bout talkin’ ta’ Claude, didn’t I?”

 “Oh. Yeah, I should thank y’ for makin’ me go to his place.”

 “Ya’ very welcome. Ya’ do know tha’ ya’ owe me for it, right?” Eric smirked.

 “Yeah. So what’s it gunna’ be? Hand job or a blowy?” He winked.

 “Fuckin’ behave!”

\---

***Five weeks later. Eric’s Pov***

_I think he’s lying to me again. God dammit. If I find out that he is, it’s over between us. I’ve had enough. If I find out that he –I could smell it on his breath. I need to find out more about this._

 Over the past week, Eric had noticed that Alan was struggling with eating more than usual. He had started to improve but now looked to be relapsing. Eric would spend ages trying to get Alan to agree on what he would eat, being met countless times with rejections to his suggestions. _Does he just not want to get better? Or is he just screwing with me?_

 Then, the night before, Eric was sure he smelt a weak waft of vomit on Alan’s breath. He'd wanted to ask him about it but he knew that even if Alan had made himself sick, he would just deny it or not answer the questions, like he always did.

 Eric was now sitting in his dorm room, trying to research more into Alan’s issues. _Maybe if I can understand, I’ll be able to help him more. Maybe I won’t get angry, like I am now. I said I’d never get angry with him but it’s just too much to take. He said he’d – and he has probably lied to me again._

 He opened google in his laptop browser. _Search for … problems eating? Yeah that will do._ He read down the list of results and spotted a link titled ‘Eating disorders –NHS choices.’ _Is that what it really is? I never wanted to think about that before but dad did mention something about it; about not being able to diagnose that ‘cause he isn’t a psychologist._ He clicked on the link.

 ‘Eating disorders vary, being conditions that affect a person physically, emotional and socially.’ _Well he isn’t very social._ ‘The most common eating disorders are: Anorexia nervosa – when the person tries to keep their weight as low as possible, through starving themselves or exercising obsessively. Bulimia – where the person binge eats and then purges through making themselves sick or using laxatives, to try to keep themselves from gaining weight. Binge eating disorder – when a person feels a strong desire to overeat.

 _Well I never see Al exercising but he would probably starve himself if I didn’t make him eat. Yeah, let’s try this one._ He clicked on the anorexia link. He read through the introduction. _I’ve never heard Alan say that he is fat but he has said that he isn’t beautiful … maybe this is what he has? The condition first develops at 16-17? That fits … if it did only start recently. I’m not sure._

 He began to read the symptoms. _Eating little. That fits. Missing meals fits too. I’ve never seen him eat a full meal by his own decision. Avoiding fatty foods … yeah he doesn’t eat anything unhealthy, he refuses when I offer any junk food. Vomiting after eating? Yeah … he has, at least a few times. Repeated checking of their body in the mirror and weighing themselves … hmm, no. I’ve never seen him do that but maybe he does when I’m not around?_

 The next paragraph was about physical symptoms. _Hair loss? No … not yet. The appearance of fine hair on the body? Nope. Dizzy feeling and light headed? Yeah, that one is true._

 ‘Can also be associated with anxiety, low self esteem, depression and self-harm’. _Well I’m not sure about the depression but the other three … they describe him perfectly. This has to be what he has! Now I just need to find out if he’s been puking again. I really hope not, I’m going to flip if he has._

 He flicked back to his search bar. ‘How to tell if someone is making themselves sick’. A link popped up again from a different website, a page about bulimia. _But he doesn’t binge eat? Let’s just see what is says._

 He skimmed the information and his heart sank. ‘Abrasions on the hands and knuckles, caused by sticking ones fingers down their throat to induce vomiting.’ He thought back to a few days ago, when he had noticed a few red patches on the boy’s knuckles. _Dammit, Alan! Ya' told me that it was just dry skin and you’d been scratching it ‘cause it was itching. Ya' lied to me again! I … I’m so done._

 He slammed the laptop shut and headed to Ronald’s room, to try to take his mind off of the issue for now. _There’s nothing I can do right now_. _Alan's still in class but once he’s out … I … I’m ending it with him. He’s crossed a line this time._

 Ronald had just exited his room and headed down the hallway to greet him. “Hey Eric. Jus’ goin' ta’ grab some food from the canteen, wanna’ come?”

 “Sure.”

\---

 Half way through eating lunch, Ronald looked over the table at Eric. “What’s up, mate? Y’ seem really pissed off.”

 “It’s nothin’.” He lied.

 “Na. come on, tell me. Y’ obviously upset ‘bout somethin’. Friends can tell these things, y’ know.”

 “It doesn’t matter.”

 “Yeah it does. Come on, I might be able ta’ help. Wha’ are friends for, right?”

 Eric sighed loudly. “It’s Alan.”

 “Wha’ ‘bout him?”

 “Ronald, I-.”

 Ronald shot him an annoyed look. “Jus’ tell me. Y’ made me tell y’ ‘bout Claude, so jus' spit it out. I want ta’ help, seriously.”

 “Fine. I’m goin’ ta’ dump him.”

 “Wha’? Why? Thought y’ loved him though?”

 “Don’t tell anyone ‘bout this, okay?”

 “Na. I wouldn’t do tha’. So what’s tha’ problem?”

\---

 Once Eric had explained everything that had happened, Ronald grimaced. “Well … that’s grim. He really need’s ta’ ge' help.”

 “He doesn’t want my help. All he does is lie ta’ me or blank me. I’m sick of it. I’m not puttin’ up wi' it any longer; wi' him any longer.”

 “But still, if he has an eating disorder, that’s serious. Those things are nasty, trust me.”

 “How do ya’ know tha’?”

 “My sister had an eating disorder. It was horrible.”

“Well, at least she’s better now.” _Wait, she is right? I didn’t just-_

 “She died, Eric.”

 _Shit. Not the d word. Oh man, I really fucked that one up._ “I’m sorry. I didn’t realise.”

 “Yeah … of a heart attack. It was a few years ago. She was fifteen. She was constantly in tha’ hospital.” Ronald’s voice started to crack. _I can’t even make Alan go to the hospital. He’s sixteen, so no one can put him in there and his parents …_ “They said tha' her organs were failin’.”

 “I’m so sorry for ya’ loss, buddy.”

 “It’s okay … I jus’ miss her ... like crazy.” He began to cry. _Shit Ronnie. Don’t cry. Oh man, I’ve never seen ya’ in such a state._ Eric stood up and moved to sit on the seat next to Ronald's, pulling him into a hug. Once he had calmed down, he spoke again. “I do understand where ya’ comin’ from though, not wantin’ ta’ be around ta’ see Alan ge' sicker. Ta’ be honest, I did kinda’ guess, jus’ didn’t wanna’ say anythin’.”

 “Ya’ did? How?”

 “’Cause I saw how thin he got at tha’ end of last year and I’ve never seen him eat. It … it ain’t hard ta’ put two and two together. Jus’ have a good think ‘bout it, before ya’ dump him.”

 “I have …. I’ve been thinkin’ of leavin’ him for months. He jus’ keeps pushin’ me away. I don’t think he even wants me around. I don’t think he even loves me.”

 “Then I don’t think there’s anythin’ more y’ can do for him. When are y’ gunna’ …”

 Eric looked at his watch and sighed. “Now … his class has jus' ended.”

 “Well good luc-.”

 “Eric!” The two boy’s looked over, to see a very flustered Alisha running towards them , Grell right behind her. “Thank goodness we found you.”

 “Wha’? Is somethin’ wrong?” Eric asked.

 She looked in shock. “It … it’s Alan!”


	20. Bruises against pale skin.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda' a short chapter, just to show Eric's conflicting thoughts. 
> 
> Also Ciel would also be 17 in this. Incase any of you guys get some weird mental images aha. 
> 
> Promise i'll update don't take them away from me tomorrow. I need to finish it.

***Eric's Pov.***

 "Wha' 'bout him?" Eric asked, feeling concerned. _Wait ... why am I asking? Whatever happened with him isn't going to change my decision. I can't just keep letting him walk all over me._

 "He - well, that Ciel kid. He hurt him." Alisha replied. 

 "Wha'? How?" Ronald chimed in.

 "I really haven't a clue why. That guy is a right bother."

 "Jus' tell me wha' happened." Eric stated.

 "Well class had just finished and we were all leaving the room. Then we heard a shout and Ciel had got his hand around Alan's throat, pinning him to the wall."

  "Wha' tha' hell?!” _How dare he do that to my-. No Eric, get a grip. It doesn't change what Alan has done. It doesn't change his lies._

 "Yes, the poor darling looked absolutely terrified." Grell stated. "But my Will came in and stopped Ciel."

 "Yeah and Alan ran off before we could see if he was okay. He looked pretty shaken up." Alisha added.

 "But why did tha' Bastard do tha'?" Ronald asked.

  "I have no idea. Ciel was shouting something at him. Something about getting what he wanted, no matter what it took." Alisha said. "You should really go check on him."

  "Yeah, I will." Eric stated. "Has anythin' like this happened before? Between tha' two of them?" Why would Ciel say somethin’ like tha’?"

 "Alan didn't tell you? That guy has been coming onto him since day one. Every time, Alan just ignores what he says. He always looks so scared of him. I think it must have pissed Ciel off. That's why he did what he did, I assume."

  "Why didn't ya' tell me tha' when it started happenin'? You wait 'til now ta' tell me?" _Dammit Alan, you lied to me about that too! Ya' said he hadn't spoken to ya'! Ya' ... ya' just a liar._  

  "God, chill out. Like I said, I can't believe Alan didn't tell you." _Well I can. He doesn't tell me anything._ "Anyway, you really should go see where he's run off to. See if he's okay. I have to go, I'll see you later." With that, the two females left the room.

 Ronald turned to Eric. "So wha' y' gunna' do? Y' still gunna' dump him?"

 Eric frowned at him. "Yeah, obviously. Whatever happened doesn't change wha' Alan has put me through. I'll make sure he's okay and then I'll dump him."

  "Oh ... okay. Fair enough, I guess. Jus' don’t be too harsh wi' him." He paused for a moment and then continued. "There ... There is somethin' y' should know 'bout tha' Ciel kid."

 "Like wha'?"

 "Erm ... well. Promise y' won't freak out if I tell y'."

  "Jus' tell me. I'm already pissed off enough as it is. Don't wind me up more." Eric scowled.

  Ronald rubbed the back of his head nervously. "Well ... I've been hearin' rumours goin' around. Tha' Ciel raped someone. Like allegations or somethin'. I dunno' if they are true though."

 "And ya' didn't tell me earlier because?" Was Eric's angry reply.

 "'Cause I didn't know Ciel had even spoken ta' Alan, let alone hurt him. _But ya' did know that they are in the same class." Ya' should of said something sooner!_  "Do ... you want me ta' come with y' ta' check tha' Alan is okay? 'Cause I know dumpin' him ain't gunna' be easy."

  "If ya' want but it will be easy, I've made up my mind." _At least I hope it will be. I'm just sick of being hurt by his lies._

\---

  Deciding that the best place to look for Alan would be his dorm room, they headed there. Eric opened the door and heard sobbing coming from inside of the room. Walking inside, the two men saw Alan curled up on the bed crying.

 Eric felt his heart soften _. I'm gunna' murder that Ciel guy. How dare he make my baby cry. Wait - what? Get a grip, Eric! It changes nothing. Still, I should make sure that he'll be okay._  

 Eric made his way over to the bed. "Alan, ya' alright? Alisha told me 'bout art class." He reached his hand out to touch Alan's shoulder.

  "Get away from me!" Alan screamed, flinching.

 "Al, it's jus’ me."

  "Eric ..." Eric moved to sit next to him on the bed and Alan rested his head in his lap, hands gripping him shirt. That's when Eric noticed Alan's neck. _What the fuck?! That guy is dead!_ Alan's skin was bruised, little half-moon marks red against it. Alan's body trembled against his, more sobs slipping from his mouth. _He's_ _terrified._ _I can't just leave him like this ... in such a state. Not when I still love -._  

  "Does ... tha' hurt?" Eric reached down to touch it lightly.

 "Don't touch my neck!" Alan shouted but didn't move from his spot on Eric's lap. "I ... I don't like It."

  "Calm down, kid." Ronald said, taking a seat at Eric's desk. "We ain't gunna' hurt y'. When we see Ciel next, we will batter tha' shit outta' him."

  "Yeah. We will. I'll make sure tha' he never walks again." Eric added, feeling his anger against Alan shift onto Ciel instead. He ran his fingers through Alan's hair. _I can't just dump him when he's this upset. That ... would just be cruel. I ... I'll give him one last chance but if he does anything to go against his promises again ... it’s over._  


	21. Please don't cry, my love.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Claude/ Ronnie moments yay. 
> 
> This chap is short and kinda uneventful but the next one will be better :)

**Eric’s Pov**

 Ronald and Eric had stayed with Alan until the early hours of the morning, unable to calm him. Eventually, he had fallen into a restless sleep, nightmares starting as soon as he fell into slumber. They carried on throughout the night, waking him up within ten minutes of him falling to sleep. Eric didn’t get a moment of rest, making sure Alan didn’t get so panicked that he suffered an asthma attack. He eyed the boy with sadness but felt his anger towards him begin to rise again. _Ya’ just a liar. Ya' can't love me, ya' never did._ Still, he decided that he wouldn’t end it just yet, not until he caught Alan making himself sick or found new cuts on his body.

 In the late afternoon, while Ronald was still present, Ronald had text Alisha asking for a description of Ciel, so that when they came across him at college, they could beat him black and blue. Alisha had text back shortly after. ‘Oh. You can’t miss him really. Short black hair, always wears black too. He hangs around with Ash Landers; you know the one who you play football with?’

 She text again immediately afterwards. ‘Oh, duh I forgot. You’ll be able to tell him ‘cause he has two different coloured eyes, one a light blue and the other a dark, almost blackish brown. He’s also condescending as hell when he talks to you. He thinks he’s better than everyone else but you guys will show him! Beat the crap out of him, please?’

\------

***The following morning. Claude’s Pov.***

 Claude had just entered Ronald’s room. “Hey babe.” Ronald said. “Jus’ ‘bout ta’ take a bath. Y’ comin’?”

 Claude smiled at him. “How could I not?” He then noticed that Ronald’s eyes were puffy. “Have you been crying?”

 Ronald shook his head. “Na, I’m all good. It’s probably jus’ hay fever.”

 As they got ready for their bath, Claude noticed that Ronald didn’t seem like his usual self. He seemed upset about something and saddened, not at all like the cheery Ronald he knew. Once cuddled in the bath, Claude spoke of the issue again. “You have been crying, haven’t you? Is something wrong?”

 “Na … I said I’m … fine, don’t-.” Ronald’s sentence was cut short by sobs.

 Claude wrapped his arms tighter around the boy, head moving to rest on his shoulder. “I can tell when something is troubling you. Just tell me what the issue is.”

 “I’ve … jus’ been missin’ my sister … is all.”

 _Ah, yes. You have spoken of her death before. It really was quite tragic._ “I’m sorry that the memory of her passing is hurting you again. Is … is it this time of year that she passed?”

 “Na. It … was December. I wish tha' she was still here. She was tha’ most epic sister I could ‘ave asked for.”

 “Then why the sudden feelings of sorrow? Has something reminded you of her?”

 “I … can’t tell y’ babe, sorry.”

 Claude frowned slightly. “Why not?”

 “I’ve been asked not ta’.”

 “You know that I will not utter a word of this to anyone else. Please just tell me.”

 Ronald sighed. “ Well ... alright then. It’s Alan and Eric. Alan’s … sick in tha’ same way tha' Rachel was. Eric’s had enough of worryin’ ‘bout him. Alan … is refusin’ ta’ ge’ help. It jus’ upsets me knowin’ someone else is … going through wha’ my family … had ta’.”

 “Yes, it is quite unsettling news. I can see why you are upset.” He kissed Ronald’s shoulder, nuzzling his face against it. “I have something which I think may cheer you up.”

 “Claude, I ain’t in tha’ mood for sex right now.”

 “That isn’t what I had in mind.” _How could sex be on my mind when I can see how much pain you are in?_

 “Then wha’ do y’ ‘ave in mind?”

 Claude smiled. “Well … I’m off for three days in a few day’s time. How would you like to stay over in a luxury hotel for those days?”

 “Na … I couldn’t. It’d be too expensive for y’.”

 “Now at all. Your happiness bears no expensive for me. Do you think it would cheer you up?” _I’d spend all of my money just to help tend to your woes._

 “Y’ sure y’ don’t mind?”

 “Not at all.”

 “Then I’d love ta’. A solid three days wi’ y’, apart from classes would be amazin’.” _Not as amazing as you._


	22. Leave him immedietly.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three new/old pairings hinted at in this chapter. haha. Enjoy.
> 
> Also a sex scene, a nice one.

 Eric had gone to the art class the following day, to try to get more of an insight into just what exactly had been going on between Alan and Ciel. _Not_   _like he'll appreciate my efforts, he never does._ That hadn’t gone to plan, finding Grell riding on top of Mr Spears on the art room floor. He rushed off quickly, his attempt going to waste but not before he saw something that caught his eye. Grell was actually a guy?

 When speaking with Ronald, the newly green haired man stated “Yeah … she’s transgender. I thought y’ knew. She’s part of tha' men’s gymnastics team at a club in tha' city. Still, good on her for finally gettin’ it on wi’ ‘Will’.”

 When asked how Ronald knew about Grell being biologically male, he quirked his eye brow and said “How do y’ think?” It had obviously been another bit of juicy information granted by Alisha. Ronald had then gone on to tell Eric about his upcoming trip with Claude, a wide smile on his face.

\--

 When Eric had gotten back to his dorm room, he saw that his father had text him. ‘Hello son, how is everything?’

 ‘Not great’.

 A reply was received quickly. ‘Are you not enjoying this year of college or is it Alan that is troubling you?’

 A few more texts were exchanged, with Eric telling his dad that he didn’t want to talk about it and his dad saying that he wanted to help; that Eric had come to him with Alan’s issues in the first place.

 With a heavy sigh, Eric text back. ‘I think he’s making himself sick again.’

 ‘How do you know? Are you certain?’

 ‘I’m sure, though I ain’t seen him do it yet.’

 ‘Then how can you be sure?’

 ‘I smelt vomit on his breath and his knuckles are grazed. I researched it and it’s a tell-tale sign.’

 A few moments after Eric had sent that text, his phone rang.

 “Hell-.”

 “Son, end your relationship with that boy at once,” came his father’s angry voice.

 “Dad, I-.”

 “He is just causing you more pain. No matter how much you love that boy, it isn’t worth it. He is just lying to you again.”

 “I kn-.”

 “He will just cause you more upset. He is just making you miserable. Cut you ties with him immediately.”

 “I-.”

 “I know it will be hard but you should leave him. He isn’t worth it.”

 “Dad! Shut up for a minute would ya’.” His dad was silent and Eric continued. “I am goin’ ta’ leave him. I jus’ need ta’ see him doin’ it first. I need proof.” _I can’t just accuse him without any hard evidence, just in case I’m wrong. Just in case he isn’t lying to me. I can hope that much for now._

 “Will you really leave him then?”

 “Yeah.”

 “I’m so glad to hear such. Promise me that you will.”

 “Yeah, really I’m gunna’. I’m too angry with him ta’ give him another chance if I find out for sure.” _Angry isn’t even the right word. I think … I’m beginning to hate him for what he’s done. For lying to me so many times._

\--------

*** Ronald’s Pov several days later.***

 The trip to the hotel had been amazing and Ronald had loved every minute of it, even If the receptionist had given him a disgusted look when they first checked in. _I guess posh hotels like this never see a guy with green hair._

 Claude had been true to his word and hadn’t tried to initiate sex while they had been at the hotel. They’d just spent the days so far going out to fine restaurants and cuddling in bed. _He really does treat me so well. I love him so much._ Ronald had cheered up greatly in the past day and a half of their trip and was beginning to feel the growing need for intimacy. “Claude, babe. I’m feelin’ proper horny.”

 Claude smirked at him. “I was wondering when you would say such. In fact, I think it’s time to show you just how good I am at pleasuring someone.”

 “Really? Y’ can’t ge' any better at it than y’ already am.”

 “I think you will find I have yet to up my game.”

 He stripped Ronald’s clothes off quickly, pushing him down on the bed. He kissed and sucked on Ronald’s neck, hand moving down to rub the boy into hardness. He moved to tease his tip with his fingers, earning small whines from the boy. _Ah, y’ fuckin’ tease._ Moving to encircle Ronald, he began to pump him softly, using the lightest of pressure. _Hurry up … it feels so nice but … just take me already._

 Claude moved down him slowly, pulling his hand away to lick his fingers. He kissed Ronald’s tip, rubbing his fingers against his entrance, before sliding his first inside by just an inch. _Oh man, y’ ain’t even got y’ clothes off yet. I don’t know if I can last with this much teasing. Just get to it!_ Ronald moaned softly, pressing his bum down onto the man’s hand, trying to get his fingers deeper inside him.

 “Keep still or you’ll ruin it.” Claude said, before removing his finger. “Sit on the very edge of the bed.”

 “But y’ know I like takin’ it on my back!”

 “Please, I have found this technique works best in that position.”

 “Ohh, technique ay?” _This sounds good._

 Ronald moved to the end of the bed, bum only slightly sitting on the edge of it, feet pressed into the floor to steady himself. Claude moved to rummage in his luggage bag. Finding what he was seeking he pulled the items from the bag; a cock ring and some lube.

 He went to stand in front of Ronald, kissing him deeply, tongue slipping into the other’s mouth. _You taste so good._ Pulling away, he knelt in between Ronald’s legs, slipping the cock ring onto his member. “This will make sure that I can pleasure you for as long as possible.” He coated his fingers in vast amounts of lube, before teasing Ronald’s entrance again. He knelt up slightly, sucking on his nipples as he pressed his first finger back into him. “Ah … Claude … hmm.” Ronald moaned, as he began to slide his finger in and out.

  Moving back down, Claude used his other hand to switch the cock ring on. Ronald groaned loudly, as vibrations ran up his member. _Shit, this thing vibrates? Jesus Christ, I’m in for a treat._ Claude added a second finger, scissoring the tight muscles, before moving his fingers to press into Ronald’s sensitive patch of nerves. “Hn, right there babe.”

 Claude smirked at him. “I do know where to touch you. Believe me, this is just the beginning.” _Don’t say that … I’m already rock hard as it is._ He kissed down Ronald’s stomach, before licking over his tip. He moved his fingers slightly, in a ‘come here’ motion, pressing deeply into Ronald’s pleasure spot with more force. Ronald’s head fell back, a loud moan slipping from his lips. _This feels fuckin’ incredible._

 Claude licked up the sides of Ronald’s cock, teasing him more with his tongue. He continued to hit his prostate with every movement of his fingers. “Fuck … babe, feels amazin’.”

 Claude lifted his head. “You’ve seen nothing yet, just be patient.” He moved his mouth back to the boy, sucking on his tip.

 “Why … ‘ave y’ never done it this good before?”

 Claude looked up again. “Because I reserve my best practices for my partners alone. No one else deserves to feel this good.”

 He sucked his tip again, still pressing his fingers against Ronald’s spot, before he took him into his mouth. Ronald gasped in delight at the warmth now surrounding him. “Ah … Claude, don’t stop.” Claude added a third finger, before ramming all three against the same area that he had previously been pounding into. “Shit … so good.”

 Ronald moved his hand to grip Claude’s hair, pushing his head down to make Claude deep throat him. “That’s it … take it all.” He breathed. The pressure in his stomach was rising, the ring preventing his release. His hips bucked up into Claude’s mouth, gagging him slightly. “Hmm … y’ like deep throatin’ me … don’t y’ babe.”

 Claude rammed his fingers in sharply, making Ronald gasp, pleasure coursing through him. “I’ll … take tha’ as a ... yes.” The boy breathed, through shaky moans. The man continued to ram into his spot again and again, for several minutes, bobbing his head up and down on Ronald.

 He pulled away, making Ronald whine. “Ah … why’d y’ stop?”

 Claude pressed his fingers deeply inside of him. “I didn’t.” With his free hand, he slid the cock ring off, before moving to pump him slowly in time with the motions inside of Ronald.

 “Ah … babe I’m so close … don’t y' wanna …”

 “No. I want to make you feel good and you alone. My pleasure right now is not my concern, only yours.”

 Ronald nodded weakly, panting heavily in delight. _That’s- no one has ever done anything for me like this before._ Claude moved to take him into his mouth once more, sucking hard on him. Ronald lifted his hand again, fingers gripping Claude’s hair harshly, as he began to thrust back deeply into his mouth. “Ah … Claude … I’m gunna’-.”

 The rest of his sentence was cut short by a sharp ram inside of him and he moaned deeply, releasing into Claude’s mouth. His hips bucked messily, as he rode out his orgasm, Claude’s fingers still hitting his spot.

 Claude pulled away and Ronald lay down on the bed, exhausted. “That … was amazin’. Tha' best thing I’ve ever felt.”

 Claude lay down next to him, pulling him into his arms. “I’m glad that you thought so, I love you greatly.”

 “I love y' too. Erm … I have a question.”

 “Ask away.”

 “How long’s it been since you’ve done that? Y’ ain’t rusty in tha’ slightest but I’m guessin’ y’ ain’t been together wi' someone properly for a while.”

 “A few years ago, when I was with my last partner.”

 “Ah, okay. Sorry if I upset y’ by bringin’ it up.”

 Claude smiled. “No, not at all. We are still good friends. We just felt the relationship had met its end. It was a joint decision.”

 “Ah cool … wha' was his name?”

 Claude’s smile grew. “Sebastian Michaelis.”

 “Umm okay. Weird … Eric’s chemistry teacher has tha’ name.”

  “That is because it’s the same person.”

 “Wha'? Really? But I’ve seen him … he’s hot. Why are y’ wi’ me then? I’m nothin’ special.”

 Claude frowned at him. “You do not find yourself attractive?”

 “Na, not really.”

 “I think that you’re absolutely beautiful.” Claude breathed, moving in to kiss Ronald, the boy’s cheeks flushing red. _That’s so sweet, Claude. Y’ make me feel so special._

 Pulling away, Claude spoke again. “Actually, Sebastian has spoken of your friend Eric a few times.”

 “He has? Why?”

 “It seems that he is interested in the boy and if what you tell me is true, he will be pursuing him shortly, once he is single.”

 Ronald stared at him, unsure of what to say. _Well fuck. Things have just got interesting._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope dance4thedead enjoyed that. I only added it in for you aha.


	23. I fuckin' hate ya'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mainly focusing on Eric's changing feelings towards the situation, over the last 7-8 weeks of dealing with Alan's lies. That's why there's so much swearing in this one ... he's angry. Enjoy. The next chapter is like the biggest one yet.
> 
>  
> 
> oh and when I'm on about Alan's knuckles, its like this http://www.eatingdisordersadvice.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Warning-signs-that-a-young-person-may-have-bulimia.png  
> from catches ya' teeth on the skin. The stomach acid doesn't help.

***7 weeks later Eric’s Pov.***

 Eric was mad. No, he was fuming. He had still yet to see Alan engaging in destructive behaviours but it was obvious by now that he was. Eric had done more research into the effects of bulimia. _I know he’s more anorexic than bulimic but he’s also making himself sick._ Everything that Eric had seen with Alan fit the symptoms he had read. His appearance was changing for the worst; Alan getting sicklier looking as the days dragged on. Eric could tell that he’d lost all the weight that he had put back on, plus more. His clothes hung off him now, hands bony and legs like sticks.

 His cheeks were starting to get puffy, a sign of repeated vomiting and he was growing paler. The abrasions to his hands were getting worse, being red and very sore looking. His voice was turning croaky and Eric assumed that he had a constant sore throat, caused by the stomach acid. His thick, soft hair had turned brittle and dry; dry just like the skin around his mouth and on his lips. His lips were beginning to chap, another side effect of the stomach acid that Eric had read about during his countless hours spent in front of his laptop. He stopped researching after the first week in which his father had called him. It was too painful to read anymore. In every article was the mention of serious physical damage and death. _Dammit, Alan. You’re going to kill ya’self!_

 His dad had continued to phone and text him, telling him to just finish with the relationship and to move on, before he was dragged down further with Alan. Eric hadn’t, he kept to his word of not ending it between them, not until he caught Alan in the act. That wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, Eric thought, as he barely went to see Alan anymore. Even when he did, he didn’t pay Alan much attention. No cuddles or kisses. Even when Alan kissed him, he barely kissed back. Every time, he would feel his anger rise, as he tasted mint and mouthwash on the other’s breath. _It’s just a way to hide the smell of ya’ puke, I ain’t dumb. I’ve read all about it!_

 It wasn’t just anger that kept Eric away but more the feeling of loss. He was unsure of his feelings for the man now. Sure he was enraged by his actions, by his broken promises but that wasn’t the issue. He began to wonder if he even loved Alan anymore. _Have I stopped loving him? Am I just pissed off with him or has all he’s put me through finally pushed me away to the point that all the love I felt for him has gone? It … has. I … hate him. I wish I had just ended it with him that day, when I said to Ronnie I would. Maybe if I push him away just like he has done me, he will get the hint? He will stop coming to my room, like I have hardly been going to his._

 The anger inside of him was starting to affect him. Sure, he had always had a temper, he’d always been violent to the bullies who he’d protected people from in school but now he was starting to crack. He was constantly snappy with his friends, Ronald, Grell and the like. _Being with him just isn’t worth it. It’s turning me into a complete hot head, an arsehole._

 Today, he had finally snapped. He had seen Ciel for the first time at the college and had punched him. If his blow had been any harder, he was sure that he would have sent Ciel flying through the thick brick wall of the campus. He hadn’t even done it for Alan’s sake, he’d just done it to make himself feel better.

 Ciel’s reaction to the assault had only frustrated him more. “Oh, someone does have a temper. What a shame that you do not intimidate me in the slightest. Your dear Al will be all mine.” Eric had stormed off, before he had ended up committing a murder. _Fuck him. Fuck Alan. Do what ya’ fucking want with him. I don’t even care anymore. Fuck it all._

 He rushed down the halls, intent of talking to Ronald. _Hopefully he will be able to calm me down. If I don’t shout at him again, that is._ He was so upset that he forgot to knock and just entered the room. _Oh for fuck’s sake, not again!_ Ronald and Claude weren’t alone this time, Ronald pounding into Grell from behind, while her mouth was around Claude.

 Ronald looked over at him. “Oh, hey mate. Jesus, y’ look pissed off. Alan again?”

 Grell pulled away from Claude, eyes full of lust. “Don’t be so angry, hunny. You can join in if you wish. I don’t mind.”

 “Like I’d shag my best friend.” Eric barked at her.

 Claude smirked at him. “The more the merrier. I don’t much care if my Ronald has fun with others, as long as I can join in or at least watch.” He pulled Grell by the hair to suck him again.

 “Seriously, mate. I’m not … fussed.” _Do ya’ still have ta’ keep rammin’ inta’ her when ya’ talking to me?!_ “ If shit goes down wi' y’ and Al, y’ can come … let off steam wi' … us lot. Like Claude said, tha' more … people, tha’ better.” Ronald stated, between small moans.

 _Nothing has happened between me and Alan yet. But that isn’t – no. Don’t even think about it. It’s just wrong._ Just ‘cause ya’ upset and lonely …

 “I’ll see ya’ around.” Eric said and left the room, sure that Ronald would probably make another filthy comment as he exited.

\-------- 

*** Alan’s Pov. Mainly just his thoughts.***

 _I can’t do this anymore. It’s just too hard. I … can’t even keep food down now. I feel so disgusting having anything in my stomach. I don’t … deserve it. I disgust myself, I’m just such an awful person. Even keeping just water down is becoming a struggle._ Alan let the tears slide down his face, from his position lying on the bed.

_Eric doesn’t even want me anymore; he never wants to see me anymore. He looks angry all the time. It’s all my fault, I know it is. I’m a bad person. A vile person. I don’t even know why he doesn’t love me anymore … he never loved me. How could he? Not when I’m so disgusting. I deserve all the hatred he has for me. Is it because I haven’t- I know what his friends must say, that I’m a prude. That I’m a useless boyfriend in every way. Or is it because he found out that I’ve been- he can’t have. I’ve tried to hide it … hide it well. Could he have figured it out?_

 He stood up from his bed, hand moving to grab a box that he had hidden under it. He opened it. Blades of all shapes and sizes shone in the light of his bedroom, the sharp metal tempting him. _I hate myself as much as he does … I just want to hurt myself. I want to feel the pain … I deserve it. But if he find outs, it will make him mad. I don’t want to make him mad. I love him. But I don’t deserve him. I just hurt him, like I hurt everyone. I always bring people pain. They all ended up-. I need to do this … I just deserve it all. I deserve hatred and pain, so much pain._

 

\-----------

***Eric’s Pov.***

_I suppose I should go see that lying bastard. Try to get him to eat something. Yeah, try is a good word for this situation because whatever I do, it never helps. Try to stop him dyin- why do I even care? He doesn’t want my help. He never wanted it. He never wanted me._

 Eric walked down the hallway to Alan’s room, at 7.10pm. He unlocked the door and opened it. Stepping inside, he froze, his composure finally slipping completely from him. _Alan, ya’ fucking cunt!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They all ended up what? Alan, tell us!!! You can't even think about it, let alone talk about it. Poor babe.
> 
> Oh yeah. and Grell isn't with William, it's just sex .... for now.


	24. Ya' little shit.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger warning.* Descriptions of self harm. 
> 
> Once again, strong language. 
> 
> Ya' all gunna' hate me for this chapter. I'm sorry haha.

***Eric’s Pov.***

 The blade slipped from Alan’s grip with a quiet clunk, as it hit the other strips of metal on the bed sheet below; all thickly coated with congealed blood. His eyes were red and shiny with tears, a look of panic on his face. Blood ran from cuts on his arms, down into his lap, staining his jeans.

 _You’ve really fucked it up now!_ Eric rushed up to him, an angry scowl in place. “Eric -.”

  **Slap**.

 Alan’s hand reached up to his cheek, a red mark already appearing, tears spilling again. “How could ya’, Alan!? After all I’ve done for ya’! After all the times I’ve tried ta’ help ya’ and ya’ do this ta’ me!”

 Alan’s hand slipped back down into his lap, his eyes fixing on it. “Please … don’t be-.”

  **Slap**.

 “Don’t ya’ fuckin’ dare say tha’, ‘cause I am angry this time! I’m fucking fuming! I don’t even wanna’ look at ya’!”

 “I … I’m sorry … I-.”

  **Slap**. The sound of the third blow echoed around the room, more forceful than the others; being filled with blinding rage. Eric gripped him by the collar, dragging him closer to him. Faces inches apart, he spat “Ya’ little shit! Ya’ not sorry. Ya’ wouldn’t do it again if ya’ was really sorry last time.” He shook him, his hand tightening on Alan’s collar. “What the hell is-.”

 Eric released his grip. “Never mind. I’m fuckin’ done playin’. I’m fuckin’ done bein’ played with.”

 “What … do you … m-.”

 “That it’s over between us, ya’ hear! I hate ya’! Ya’ jus’ a lyin’ cunt and I don’t want ya’ in my life anymore.” He turned to head out of the door.

 “But …”

 “Goodbye, Alan. Stay out of my life. I deserve better than a piece of shit like ya’.”

 ------

***Alans Pov***

 The door slammed behind Eric, as he left the room. Alan stared at the door in shock, before barely audible words slipped from his lips. “But … I love you.”

_I’ve always loved you. But … you’re right. I’m not good enough for you. I … treated you badly, I pushed you away. But it … was only because … I didn’t want you hurt. I … I’m not scared of you. Even after you just hit me … I deserved it and you … are the only person I have ever started to trust … since that day ...._

_I’m not … scared of you Eric  ... not really. Y... you’re the only person … I’m not completely scared of… but I’m scared … of myself. I … just end … up hurting … everyone around me. I … I’m sorry._

 He picked up the razor blade again, sobs beginning to wrack him. _I can’t … believe you’re gone. I can’t believe … that … I’ve lost you._ He pressed the blade down against his arm, digging into the thin layer of flesh. Metal was dragged across skin, making it split, blood seeping in a fast stream down his arm. He squeezed his eyes shut, lip drawn into his mouth, as pain shot up his limb, beginning to ease his sorrows once more. He pressed it down again, on a different area of skin. _I’m such … an awful person!_

\---

*** Eric’s Pov.***

 Eric rushed down the hallway, once he had slammed the door, to Ronald’s bedroom. He wasn’t thinking straight. It was really all over? His mind was just a mess of hurt and upset, of anger and he needed something to take the pain away. To beat his frustrations out on and make him feel better.

 He banged the door open, pulling his t-shirt off and moving up to Claude in quick strides. Before anyone in the room could utter a word, Eric pushed Claude down on the bed he was sitting on, crashing their lips together.

 “Looks like y’ two broke up, huh?” Ronald stated, from his position on the chair of the room. “Well, at least y’ didn’t forget 'bout tha’ offer from earlier.”

 Eric didn’t answer; tongue slipping passed Claude’s lips. _No I didn’t forget. I don’t even give a shit about what I do anymore. What’s the point in caring? My life has just fallen apart._ Claude rolled them over on the bed and pulled away. “So this is what you want? A way to relax and move on from whatever has just happened to make you so angry?”

 Eric nodded. “Yeah … I want this. Make me forget it all. Do wha’ever ya’ want wi' me.”

 Ronald rubbed his hands together, a wide grin on his face. “Babe, I think I’m gunna’ sit this one out, it’s gunna’ be one hell of a show.”

 Claude smirked at him, hand moving down to Eric’s trousers. “Yes, I think you will find it wonderful.”

 


	25. Did i really hurt myself so badly?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter made me sad ... it was hard to write. Poor Eric, Poor Alan.

 “It looks as if someone is already about to burst.” Claude breathed, as his hand gripped Eric tightly and he began to thrust into him.

 “That’s ‘cause he’s had none for tha’ past year.” Ronald grinned. “Poor chap must be hard as rock.”

 “Indeed he is.” Claude said, head pressed against Eric’s neck. Eric’s nails dug into the man’s back, grunts and deep moans leaving him. It felt good, a means of escape from all his problems, a way to forget about Alan, at least for a little while.

 “Babe, I change my mind. I wanna’ join in now.” Ronald stated.

 “No, you said you wanted to just watch. You can join in on the second instalment.” Claude replied, thrusting harder into Eric.

 “No fair!”

 “Patience is a virtue. I think the wait ... will be worth it, he is ... a tight one.” The man said, between groans of delight.

 “Y’ fuckin’ tease.”

“Also, text ... Grell and tell her to ... come over, I don’t think she would be ... happy to miss this.”

\---

 That night had been a whirlwind of sweaty skin and pleasure, all four of them not being afraid to hold back. Eric woke up late the next morning, lying naked on the floor, Grell’s head resting on his chest. Ronald and Claude were still asleep, cuddled up in bed. He moved from under her, feeling groggy, head pounding. _How much Weed did I even smoke last night? Ugh, obviously way too much for a first time._

 Grell stirred, sitting up and looking over at Eric. “Morning darling, did you have fun last night?”

 Eric nodded, moving to push her back against the floor and nibbling on her neck, hips rocking against hers. “Oh, you still have a need for more passion? How lovely.” She cooed, moving her hand between their body’s to grip him. “Don’t forget to be as rough as your heart desires.”

\--

 A few hours later, Eric and Adrian were in the chemistry class, writing up some coursework. “What’s wrong, Eric? You do seem to have lost your sparkle today.” Adrian said in a cheery voice.

 “It’s nothin’ important.”

 “Yep, it is. It is if you’ve got such a gloomy look on your face.”

 Eric sighed. “Na. Me and Alan jus' broke up.”

 Adrian’s smile faded somewhat. “Oh dear. That isn’t fun at all. Such a shame, he really was such a cute, tiny thing.” _Yeah, tiny is the right word. Especially now he’s lost even more- why am I even thinking about this? I don’t care about him anymore!_

 “Adrian, while this is an interesting topic, it will not help you with your grades.” Sebastian said, approaching their table. “Please do get back to work.”

 Ten minutes later, class had ended and Eric stood up. “Eric, would you please wait behind until the others have left the room. I have something I need to discuss with you.” _What could Sebastian want? I’m not in the mood to be moaned at for not doing work, it was Adrian who started that conversation._

 Eric nodded, moving towards Sebastian’s desk. “Yeah … alright.” Once everyone had left the room, he spoke again. “Wha’ did ya’ want me for?”

 Sebastian stood up from his desk, moving around it to stand right in front of Eric. “So, is what I heard from Adrian in class today true? Are you now single?”

 “Yeah … what’s tha’ got to do wi’ anythin’?”

 “Oh, nothing really.” Sebastian shot him a smile. “I have just been interested in you for some time.” His hand gripped Eric’s shirt, pulling him into a deep kiss, tongue slipping between his lips. _What the hell? He likes me?_ He pulled back, smiling again. “Will I be able to tempt you into joining me at my residence tonight?”

 _It’d help to keep my mind off of Alan, I guess. Why not._ “Yeah … sure but what’s in it for me?” Eric smirked at him.

 “Whatever you wish for.” As soon as that statement left Sebastian’s mouth, he was pushed against the desk.

“Well how about a preview, teach?” Eric asked, hands sliding up the older man’s lab coat.

 “But of course, I am simply one hell of a professor.”

\---

*** Alan’s Pov, earlier that morning.***

 Alan woke up, to find himself lying on his bed, his whole body stinging. He’d fainted last night; the loss of blood and his stress taking a toll on his already weak body. He moved to sit up, whimpering as he lent on his hand for support. Once he had sat up fully, he looked at his arms. Deep, partially open slices ran all up them, his skin caked with patches of dried blood. _Did I … do this last night? I … I cut too deep? I don’t … even remember what happened. Eric … he … oh. No! He … he left me. I thought it was just a different nightmare … but it was all real. He’s really gone …_

 _I can’t believe I cut so … deep. I deserved it but … I hope I won’t need stiches._ He moved to stand up, planning to grab some steri-strips, which he had also hidden under his bed, to try to close the open cuts on his arms. As he got to his feet, his vison began to cloud. _I don’t feel so … good. Please … I don’t want to faint again … I’ve already … passed out five times this week … in the bathroom … after I-.”_

 His legs buckled and he fell in a heap on the floor, slipping into unconsciousness.


	26. Gifts, unwanted.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh man I feel so bad for poor Alan. Want to hug him. Ronald is being a sweetheart though :)

***That night. Eric’s Pov.***

 _So does he want to date me or is it just sex? Man, I’m confused._ That night had been spent at Sebastian’s house. They both wasted no time in kicking their clothes off and getting on the bed. Eric was currently lying on his back, Sebastian lowering himself onto him. Eric moaned loudly, hips bucking up into the older man. Eric was definitely turned on, Sebastian’s body being well sculpted; broad shoulders, a wonderfully toned, slightly muscular stomach and chest. _He’s not actually bad looking._

 The rest of the night was spent in much the same way, until they both ran out of energy. Sebastian offered to let Eric stay the night and he accepted, moving under the covers of Sebastian’s bed. Sebastian wrapped his arms around him, kissing him deeply. It felt good, to be cuddled, instead of always being the one to wrap his arms around someone. _I think I actually do like him a bit._

 Three days later, Eric woke up to find a message from his father. ‘Happy birthday son, we have had your gift delivered to the post office in town. The post code for the branch is EH4 1HJ. Have a nice day'. Eric stared at the message for a moment. _Did I really forget it was my birthday? Awesome, I can finally go clubbing with Ronnie. I’m sure he’s still got his fake ID._ He went to retrieve his parcel, before heading to class.

 Later that day, he and Sebastian headed back to his dorm room. Sebastian pushed him down on the bed, stripping his clothes off. “So do you have any plans for your birthday?” He asked, between kisses down Eric’s neck.

 “Na. I’m sure Ronnie will wanna’ do somethin’ though. Party or clubbin’.”

 Sebastian moved to rub him through his trousers. “I see. How nice.”

 After a few short minutes, Sebastian was riding on top of Eric again, with his back pressed to Eric’s chest; Eric sitting up against the headboard. Half way into their sex session, there was a knock at the door. “Come back … later. I’m busy.” Eric said. He bit down on Sebastian’s shoulder then, to stop his moans from being heard.

 “Hmm … you like biting, do you? I do admit, I find that arousing.” Sebastian stated, before he pressed down further onto Eric, a loud moan slipping from him.

\-------

 ***That same day. Alan’s Pov.***

 Alan had been calling in sick for class since the night he and Eric had broken up. The phone calls had filled him with anxiety but he couldn’t risk someone seeing him faint and his cuts were still too sore. The night after he’d cut; every time he moved too quickly, one of them would reopen and he would have to rush to patch himself up again. The steri strips had helped to close the wounds and they were beginning to stitch together now. He’d taken a trip to the local pharmacy on the second day, to buy some bandages, only to almost faint on the way back to college.

 He was currently in the bathroom, fingers pressed into the back of his throat. He gagged, chunky liquid splashing against the toilet bowl. He’d been having terrible hunger pangs and after a few days of them, he had finally caved and eaten a few packets of popcorn that Eric had brought him months ago. Within a few minutes, the guilt had kicked in and he had rushed to the bathroom. _I shouldn’t have eaten that … I’m so … disgusting. I’m not worthy ... of eating … I’m just too awful._

 Finishing his purge, he stood up shakily, his throat burning and his vison blurring. He steadied himself on the edge of the sink, until the feeling passed. As he made his way back to his dorm, he looked at the calendar. _Oh, it’s Eric’s birthday today._ He moved to his wardrobe, picking up a parcel from the bottom of it. _I already brought … him something. Maybe I should … go give it to him. He didn’t … want to see me … but I want him to … have it. He … he’s worth all the … gift’s in the world._

 He exited his room, moving to Eric’s door and knocking. _I hope he won’t … get angry seeing me._

 “Come back later … I’m busy.” _Busy?_ Alan heard another voice coming from the room and then a moan. His heart sank, tears welling up in his eyes. _He’s … with someone else. He … moved on that quickly? He … never did love me … after all. Not that … it should surprise … me. I’m … nothing special. I did … nothing to earn his love._ Alan left the parcel on the floor at the foot of Eric’s door and made his way back quickly to his room, picking up his box full of blades. He lifted his top up, grabbing a blade and digging it into his stomach.

\-------

*** Ronald’s Pov an hour later.***

 He had just text Eric, asking him if he was free for him to come over. He’d had no idea what to buy Eric, so had just gotten him some gift vouchers to spend on Amazon online.

 His phone bleeped. ‘Yeah, I’m free. Sebastian left half an hour ago.’ Ronald made his way to Eric’s room and spotted the parcel on the floor. He scooped it up and entered the room. “Hey, Eric. Happy birthday! Someone left this for y’.”

 Eric looked over at him, from his seat at his desk. “Who’s it from? Someone knocked my door earlier but I was too busy wi’ Sebastian ta’ answer it.”

 Ronald turned the package over in his hands and spotted a note on it. He read it. _Shit._ “Umm … it’s from Alan.”

 Eric gritted his teeth. “Well go and give it back ta’ him. I don’t want it. Tell him not ta’ bother wastin’ his money on me.”

 “Don’t y’ wanna’ tell him tha’ y’self?”

 “No, I don’t wanna’ see tha’ twat.” _Well that’s harsh._

 “Alright, I’ll go and give it back now then.”

 He walked to Alan’s room and knocked on the door. Alan opened it, his face looking pale and his eyes red. _Jesus Christ, has he lost even more weight?!_ “Umm … Eric wants me ta’ give this back ta’ y’.”

 “He … didn’t like it?”

 “He didn’t open it, sorry kid.” Alan began to cry again, his hand moving over his mouth, as weak sobs left him. _Shit, don’t start crying! What do I do now?!_

 “I’ll jus’ pop this back in y’ room, okay?” Alan nodded and went to step out of Ronald’s way, when his face grew even paler and he fell forward. Ronald dropped the parcel to the floor and moved forward, as Alan fell against his chest. “Shit, are y’ okay?” _Stupid question, he’s obviously not okay. This … is just like Rachel all over again._

 Alan shook his head, hands gripping Ronald’s T-shirt to support himself. He pressed his head against Ronald’s chest, his tears wetting his shirt. _What do I do? He looks so upset … I bet he’s so lonely. I guess I’ll just comfort him?_ He wrapped his arms around Alan softly. “Y’ miss Eric, don’t y’ buddy?”

 Alan nodded, crying harder. “I … love … h … him.”

 “I know y’ do, mate.” _I wish I could do something for this kid. He’s not a bad person._ “We should ge’ y’ ta’ sit down. Do y’ think y’ can walk over ta’ y’ bed?”

 Alan shook his head. “I … feel … really … d … dizzy.” _Shit. No! Please don’t faint … that’s just like Rachel. This … is just too … familiar._

 Ronald scooped the boy into his arms and felt him flinch. “Hey, it’s alright. I’m not gunna’ hurt y’. I’m jus’ helpin’ y’ over ta’ y’ bed, in case y’ pass out or somethin’.” He moved over to the bed, sitting Alan down on it. _Man, I bet this kid is all alone … I should stay for a bit. I wish there was something I could do but Eric had made it clear over the past few days that he doesn’t want to see him._

 He sat down next to him and noticed the small patch of dried blood staining Alan’s shirt. _Crap. He’s hurt himself again._ “Do y’ want me ta’ get y’ anything kid? Water or somethin’?”

 Alan shook his head and to Ronald’s surprise, he lay down, his head resting on his lap. He gripped the bottom of Ronald’s shirt, pressing his face into it, as his body began to tremble, sobs once again wracking his tiny frame. Ronald moved his hand to rub Alan’s back soothingly. “There, there kid. Things will ge’ better someday.” _If y' don’t … die of a heart attack first. Why haven’t y’ family noticed? Why haven’t they taken y’ to the hospital?_

 “No … they won’t … they never d ... do.” _I feel so bad for him. I can’t just leave him here like this._ With his free hand, he dug in his jean pocket for his phone and text Eric. ‘I’m staying here with Alan for a bit. He’s in a bad way'.

Eric text back a few minutes later. ‘K, whatever'.


	27. You don't want me!

***Ronalds Pov***

 Ronald had stayed with Alan for the next few hours, even skipping class, trying to cheer up him and calm him down by rubbing his back soothingly. As the third hour came into view, Alan had dozed off, exhaustion taking a hold of him. Ronald looked down at him, tears pricking at his eyes. _You’re gunna’ end up dead at this rate and yet there’s nothing I can do to help. You wouldn’t let Eric help y’, so there’s no hope that I can. Eric is acting like he doesn’t care, like he doesn’t love y’ but I can tell that he still does. He’s just mad and … if y’ die … it’ll destroy him._

 A while later, Ronald’s phone bleeped and he looked at it to find a text from Claude. ‘Ronald, I came to see you but you weren’t in your room. Are you somewhere on campus?’

 ‘Yeah. I’m in Alan’s room actually. Come over.’

 ‘Is everything okay?’ _No. everything’s going to hell._

 ‘Just get here.’

 A few moments later, there was a knock at the door. Not wanting to wake the sleeping teenager, Ronald text Claude again. ‘It’s open. Be quiet, Alan’s asleep.’ Claude entered and looked at the pair on the bed, before moving over to sit opposite them on Alan’s desk chair.

 “Why are you here?” Claude whispered.

 “Alan was really upset ‘cause Eric didn’t want tha’ present he brought him.” Ronald stated quietly. The rest of the conversation continued in hushed tones. “I couldn’t jus’ leave him here, all lonely and crying his heart out.”

 “I see.” Claude took a good look at Alan. “He doesn’t look well in the slightest.”

 A few tears fell from Ronald’s eyes but he wiped them away quickly. “’Cause he’s not well. I … I wish I could help him.”

 “There is nothing we can do. As you stated before, he doesn’t want help.”

 “But wha’ is he dies? … It’s jus’ not right ta’ let him do this ta’ himself.”

 “Then do you have a plan on how to help him?”

 “No … not a clue.” A few more tears fell.

 “We should leave. Seeing him like this is upsetting you too much.”

 “But-.”

 “I know you want to help him but as I said, there’s nothing we can do. Plus, it’s Eric’s birthday, we should be spending some time with him.”

 “Yeah … okay.” He eased himself out from under Alan, being careful not to wake him. He grabbed a blanket from the bottom of the bed and covered Alan, before he and Claude headed for Eric’s rooms.

\---

***Alan’s Pov.***

 A small while after Ronald had left his room, the nightmares began again; nightmares he’d been having for four years, ever since that awful day. Alan woke up, startled, before he began to sob. _I wish … they would just stop … I wish he would … just leave me alone._ He spent the rest of the day on his bed, head pounding from crying and cuts on his stomach stinging harshly.

\----

***Claude’s Pov.***

 The couple had spent most of the day in Eric’s room and they had decided to go out clubbing that night, to a well-known club that let eighteen years olds in, not just over twenty ones. Once he was at home, Claude picked up his phone and dialled one of his contacts.

 “Hello.” Sebastian’s voice came from the phone.

 “Hello, Sebastian. How are things going with Eric?”

 “Good, as far as I can tell, why?”

 “Well, me, Ronald and Eric are going clubbing later tonight. Would you be interested in joining us? I think that Eric would like your company for the evening.”

 “Why are you asking me? We haven’t seen each other in over a year.” _I know that. Because whenever you saw me, I could tell that you were still deeply in love with me. I want you to move on, to be happy._

 “I think it would be a nice gathering is all. You don’t have to attend if you do not wish to.”

 “No. I’ll come. I haven’t been out partying in a while.”

 “Very well. I’ll text you the address of the club. See you tonight, goodbye.”

 “Thank you. Bye bye.”

  Claude sent him a message, detailing the location of the club and the time they were to meet there. _I just hope that you don’t think I want to see you because I still love you. I just want you to be with someone who will make you happy._

_\----_

***Ronald’s Pov. ***

 Claude had picked both Ronald and Eric up at nine that night, having planned to be the designated driver and have Ronald stop at his over night. As they entered the club, they went straight to get some drinks. Claude just had some lemonade, while Eric and Ronald took some shots of vodka. A figure walked up behind Eric, bending down to give him a peck on the cheek.

 “Good evening, Eric.” Sebastian said.

 “Wha’ are ya’ doin’ here? I wasn’t expectin’ ya’.” Eric asked, turning around and smiling at the man.

 “Claude asked me to attend.”

 Ronald glanced over at Claude. _Why did … he ask him to come? What the fuck?_ He looked back over at Sebastian. _He’s so much better looking than me. I bet … Claude still loves him._

 Ronald barely spoke to anyone that night, his interest in alcohol being diminished by sadness and worry, over both Alan and now Claude. Every time he saw Sebastian talking to Claude, jealously coursed through him. _Why are they talking so much? Why is Claude paying him more attention than me? What the fuck is going on?_

 Sebastian and Eric had gone to Sebastian’s for the night, so the couple drove to Claude’s home. As they entered the living room, Claude tried to pull Ronald into a hug. He pulled away, glaring angrily.

 “Is something the matter?” Claude asked.

 “Wha’ tha’ fuck were y’ thinkin’ askin’ him ta’ come tonight?”

 “Who, Sebastian? I thought that he would help to cheer Eric up is all.”

 “Don’t fuckin’ lie ta’ me! Y’ wanted to see him, didn’t you?!”

 “Why wouldn’t I? We are friends, after all.” Claude frowned at him.

 “Don’t gimme’ tha’ bullshit! Ya’ want him, don’t y’?! Jus’ admit it, y’ still have feelings for him.”

 “Where is all of this coming from?”

 Ronald crossed his arms over his chest, choosing to ignore the question. “Jus’ take me back ta’ my dorm.”

 “I will not. Now tell me why you think that I still have feelings for Sebastian.”

 “Take me-.”

 “Tell me! If you want to think such rubbish, at least give me an explanation.”

 Ronald sighed, eyeing the floor, speaking quietly. “Because … he’s so much better than me.”

 “In what way?”

 Ronald’s head shot up, glaring at the man angrily. “He’s better lookin’! And he’s probably better company than jus’ some kid!”

 “And yet, here I am, loving you. Wanting to be with you. I would not trade you for the world.”

 “Don’t lie ta' me!”

 Claude moved over to him, lips pressing against his. He pulled away, looking Ronald dead in the eyes. “I mean every word. You are the only person I want. I love you and you alone.”

 

\---

*** Eric’s Pov.***

 After clubbing, Eric and Sebastian had gone to the man’s home to have a steamy sex session. The alcohol was beginning to wear off, Eric having only been tipsy when he had left the club. He bent Sebastian over his bed and pounded into him hard from behind. Sebastian gripped the covers below, moaning the other’s name.

 Once they had finished, Eric pulled out and went to lie on the bed. Sebastian moved to cuddle up next to him. “Did you have a nice birthday then?” The man asked.

 “Yeah, it was good thanks.” _Apart from being told Alan isn’t doing well. I pretended not to care but – no. I don’t care. He means nothing to me now._

 “I’m glad to hear it. I have something I would like to ask you actually.”

 “Wha’ would tha’ be?”

 “Would you like to start seeing each other properly?”

 “I … Erm.”

 “Oh, I see. Is it too soon?”

 “Na. Not at all. I-.”

 Sebastian smiled at him. “I understand if it is. I understand what it’s like to still be in love with someone, even when you are not with them any longer.”

 “I’m not in love with him.” _Am I? No … I can’t be. It’s hate, not love!_ “It’s not too soon, I was jus’ surprised. I want ta’ be wi’ ya’.”

_I do like ya’ and … it might help me get over the hurt Alan has caused me. It’ll help me forget about him._

 “I’m happy to hear such.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know what everyone's thinking. No Eric ... go back to Alan.  
> There wasn't actually a tag for Seb/Eric I had to created one. lol 
> 
> Also the story gets more interesting in the next chap. I know it will have some of you worried sick.


	28. I will destroy the wretch, piece by piece.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash landers is the angel btw. 
> 
> A sickening insight into the power driven man that is Ciel. 
> 
> Also trigger warning on this one for suicidal intent and information on methods. Please be cautious reading it. 
> 
> Also another proper pairing. You are welcome.

***Ronald’s Pov, later that night.***

 Ronald had broken down in tears again after that last statement from Claude, both out of worry for Claude leaving him and frustration over Alan’s situation. Claude had cuddled him, until he had calmed down. Ronald had then grinned at him, hinting at having make up sex. It wasn’t the rough passion he was expecting.

 “I love you.” Claude breathed, from his position spooning up behind Ronald. He wrapped his arm around the boy, continuing to thrust slowly and gently into him. The blonde moaned softly, hand gripping the covers at his side.

 “I love you. I love you so much.” Claude breathed again. _I’ve never had someone be so tender with me before. It … feels so nice. I’m sorry for being mad … you’re amazing._

 “I love y’ too Claude, so much.”

 

\---

*** The following day. Ash lander’s Pov.***

 “You’re still fuming over Eric punching you?” Ash asked, as he moved the bishop on the chest board.

 “He damaged my pride. That is an unforgivable act.” Ciel stated, as he made his own move.

 “So what are you going to do about that?”

 “The only way to seek revenge on him is to hit him at his source.” Ciel's eyes glinted dangerously.

 Ash quirked an eyebrow at him. “Source?”

 “Yes. I will hurt him, through hurting that boy that he loves so much.”

 “Who, Alan?”

 “Yes. He was the one to inform Eric about my actions towards him, after all.”

 Ash smiled. “That reminds me actually. That disgraceful girl, Alisha has informed me that they have ended their relationship.”

 “That is interesting but it changes nothing. I will have my revenge. I will hurt that boy in every way possible. He will be mine.”

 “You should be more careful, you know. You’ve already been accused of raping that woman.”

 “That will not be an issue. I will break down his barriers. He will be begging me to make him mine. I just have to cause him enough pain.”

 “And how do you plan to do that?” _Man he’s brutal. I do enjoy hearing about such things though._

 Ciel smirked at him. He reached under the table the chess board was on, picking up an object. He raised it in front of his face, the metal of it glinting in the light of the room. “This will do nicely. I plan to destroy that boy piece by piece. To drive him to insanity. He’ll have nothing left of him by the time I am done.”

 “Nice knife. You sure are a harsh man, Ciel.”

 “I have learned that I need to be such a way. This world is full of people who make up their own rules, just like the man who murdered my parents. People either take from others or get taken from. I have chosen to be the first type of person, that is all.”

 “I almost feel sorry for the boy. Almost. Why did you grab him around the throat to begin with?”

 Ciel yawned. “I was merely bored. I felt like it, that was all.”

 “And here I was thinking you had feelings for the boy.”

 “Maybe I did but he betrayed me. I will not accept such things.”

 “So, when are you planning to carry out such actions?”

 “I hate to admit this but I haven’t been able to at present. That wretch hasn’t been turning up for class; I do not know where his room is located and as such need to follow him back from class to be able to carry out my plan.”

 “I see.”

 “Hopefully he will be back next week. I really cannot wait. Once we have finished this game, let us go to the café down the road. I have a need for cheesecake.”

 “But of course. I quite fancy some apple crumble myself.”

 

\---

***Grell’s Pov, later that day.***

 A distinct click of heels carried the red head to her destination. She pushed the art room door open and swayed in. William was standing up from his desk, organising it.

 “Oh William, isn’t it a wonderful time for some passion?” she cooed.

 “No it is not.”

Grell frowned. “And why is that? You usually have no issue with taking me.”

 “Because I can smell other men on you whenever we are together. It is quite sickening.”

 “So? Why would that bother you so much? You never show an interest in me other than lying with me.”

 He adjusted his glasses. “Because I do not like it. You being with other men apart from me.”

 “Just what are you getting at?” she snapped.

 “I’m wish to be the only person in your life. Is that so wrong?”

 “Well excuse me if you never act like you want me for anything but a quick bang.”

 William moved in front of her. “Oh but I do want you in so many more ways.” He moved in, kissing her deeply, before pulling away. “I’m afraid that I have fallen for you.”

 She stared at him for a moment. “You mean tha-.”

 “That I love you, yes.”

 “Oh William, I love you too!”

\---

***A few days later. Eric’s Pov.***

 It was currently a Saturday and Eric made his way down the hallway. He paused as he walked past Alan’s room. _Maybe I should go check on Alan, to make sure he is still alive at least. I haven’t seen him around for a while. Wait, why should I? I don’t care … do I? Still, maybe just a quick visit._

 He pulled his key out of his pocket, which had Alan’s attached to it. Unlocking the door, he entered to find Alan asleep, curled up on top of the bed. _He looks exhausted._ He took a step closer. _Man he’s gotten even thinner, my poor- what? He isn’t mine. He never will be again. I don’t want him … I don’t love him. Do I? Definitely not._ With that he walked out of the room.

\---

***Alan’s Pov.***

 It was now Monday and Alan knew that he had to go back to class. _I can’t keep missing… lessons or I might be kicked from my course … I can’t let that … happen. I … can’t be even more of … a failure than I already am._

 He had forced some soup down that morning, before he headed to class. _I … don’t like the feeling in … my stomach. It … makes me feel revolting. I … I’ve done nothing … to earn food … I’m too much of a bad person … for that. I have to … though. I can’t risk … fainting. I’d just end … up in the hospital. I don’t … want that. I want … to die. I … already have a plan. I - something is stopping me … hope that … Eric will love me again. He … never will. I should … just end it. Tomorrow … tomorrow I will. I already … have the aspirin … and the blades. It’ll … be easy._

 He went to class and though his concentration was lacking, he was able to not faint. Once the lesson had ended, he headed back to his dorm room. He never noticed that someone was following him; far enough behind that he wasn’t spotted but still close enough to see where Alan was heading.

 He reached his dorm room, locking the door behind him. A few moments later, there was a knock at the door. He opened it and was pushed sharply backwards into the room. He looked forward in horror to see Ciel standing in the doorway, an evil smile on his face, a knife in one hand and a pair of handcuffs clipped around his belt hoops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Alan getting blamed for grassing up Ciel when it was Alisha. :( 
> 
> I bet everyone is like nooooo don't hurt my baby.


	29. Knife play.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn't enjoy writing this chapter. At all. 
> 
> Oh probably only five more chapters to this series.

***Alan’s pov.***

 Shutting the door behind him, Ciel took a few steps towards Alan. He backed away, until his back hit the wall. Ciel only smiled wider, as he moved forward, slamming his hand against the wall at the side of Alan’s head. The smaller boy began to tremble, his heart beating fast in his chest. _What … does … he want … from me?_

 The knife was raised, pressing against Alan’s throat. “Now, if you do as I command you won’t get hurt, well not too badly at least.”

 Alan tried to reply but the words were stuck in his throat. Instead, all that could be heard was shaky breath. The knife was moved, the edge being dragged down Alan’s cheek slowly, lightly enough to not draw blood. “Now get on the bed.”

 Alan’s eyes went wide but he didn’t move. “Don’t make me tell you again. Move now.” Alan looked away, eyes brimming with tears. “Fine, have it your way. I just get to hurt you more now for disobeying my orders.”

 Ciel grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him to the edge of the bed and then pushing him down on it roughly, Alan’s head almost hitting off of the headboard. Ciel climbed quickly onto the bed, before straddling the boy. Alan wanted to move, to struggle but his body wouldn’t allow it, terror making his muscles useless.

 Ciel moved the handle of the knife between his teeth, before unclipping the handcuffs from his belt. He grabbed Alan’s arm tightly and pinned it against the bed, making him whimper at the force being applied to his half healed cuts. With his other hand, he slid the cuffs around Alan’s wrist, pushing the metal together to slide the cuff shut. He then slid his hand up the chain, pulling on it roughly and wrapping it around the rail on the headboard. Soon both of Alan’s hands were chained above his head.

 “Wouldn’t want you trying to escape, not until I have begun to have my revenge.” Ciel said, as soon as he had the knife back in his hand. Tears slipped from Alan’s eyes and the other man glared at him. “Don’t start crying, it’s pathetic.” He moved down Alan’s body, resting on his legs instead. “Seriously there is nothing to cry about. Not yet anyway. I haven’t even begun to have my fun.”

 A sob slipped from Alan’s lips at hearing that last statement. “Still aren’t listening to my orders? Well then, I shall just have to be even more harsh with you.” With one hand, Ciel took hold of Alan’s t-shirt, pulling it upwards. With the other hand, he used to knife to stab a hole in the material, before dragging the knife down to slice the top in half almost all of the way. With a sharp tug, the rest of the material split.

 Ciel looked down at the boy’s torso. “Someone been hurting themselves, have they? That’s no good. Looks like I’ll just have to cause you extra pain if you’re already so used to it.” Alan squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop more tears falling. _If … I don’t stop crying … he will get angrier. I … I’m so scared. I know I deserve what … people do to me … but I wish they wouldn’t._

 Alan felt the metal being pressed against his chest and then pain, as the knife cut into him. He whimpered, his body tensing and arms pulling against his bindings. Pain shot through his wrist, as the cuff dug into his healing cuts. Several cuts later, he felt Ciel shift his weight and then lips pressing against his neck. _No … please. I don’t … like it._

 “See I can be nice when you do what I command and stop crying.” Ciel then continued to kiss the boy’s neck, teeth scraping against the pale skin.

 “S … stop … I don’t like it.”

 Ciel bit down harshly on Alan’s neck, before pulling away. “Don’t you dare try and tell me what to do. Do you just like angering me? Plus you’ll like it eventually, even if it takes me weeks. You’ll be begging for my touch soon.”

_Touch? What does he … mean? No, not … not that … please no._

 A few more cuts were made, along the boy’s shoulder, before Ciel went back to kissing his neck again. Ciel then got off of him and Alan opened his eyes to stare at him, eyes glazed over in fear. Ciel dropped the knife and walked to the end of the bed, bending down to pull Alan’s trousers away from him and then his underwear. _No … please just stop. I … don’t want this._

 Ciel pulled his own bottom clothes off and then gripped Alan’s legs, pulling them apart and getting back on the bed between them. He gripped Alan’s hips, pulling them up slightly and pressing his erection against Alan’s entrance. “Do you want this? Do you want me yet?” Alan shook his head, his breath coming out in shaky, scared gasps. “No, I didn’t think so. Soon you’ll be begging for it.”

 He got off the bed again, walking to the headboard and unclipping one of the cuffs from Alan’s wrists and then re clipping it to the headboard, to prevent Alan from getting off of the bed. “Turn on your side.” Alan didn’t move. “Do you want me to use my knife again?”

 “N … no p … please no.”

 “Then get on your side, facing me.”

 Alan rolled onto his side and Ciel shifting to in front of his face, grabbing a handful of hair and dragging his head in front of his crotch. “Suck.” Alan just stared at him in horror. “Suck it now, unless you really do want me inside of you.” He pressed his erection to Alan’s lips. “Open your mouth.”

 _I don’t … want to … but he’ll get really … mad if I don’t._ He parted his lips and felt Ciel thrust deeply into his mouth, gagging him. After several minutes, he felt liquid hit the back of his throat.

 Ciel pulled away, picking up his clothes from the floor and untying Alan. He got dressed and walked to the door, grabbing the key from the lock. “This is mine now, so I can come see you whenever I see fit.” He smirked over at Alan, who hadn’t moved from the bed, head pressed into the covers as he sobbed weakly. “Expect a visit from me tomorrow.” He then left the room, shutting the door behind him.

 Alan curled himself into a ball. He stayed like that for the rest of the day, sobbing even after his eyes ran dry. _I … that was so disgusting … I hate myself so much._


	30. I love the smell of you, i love everything about you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seem's like everyone is getting a point of View. Only four chapters left.

***Alan’s Pov.***

 Alan had been subjected to hours of the same sort of treatment from Ciel over the past three days. He was now covered in bruises and cuts, throat red raw from the amount of times Ciel had forced himself into the tiny boy’s mouth. Ciel had begun to touch him, in places he didn’t want to be touched, while asking Alan is he wanted him to take him yet. Alan would shake his head, trying to keep the tears from falling. Small moans would leave his mouth as Ciel gripped his harshly, with an evil smirk evident on his face.

 He wanted to kill himself so badly. The only thing keeping him from his plans was the hope that Eric would find out what was happening and come to his rescue. That he would begin to love him again. He knew it probably would never happen but just the thought of being in the other man’s arms again gave him slight hope. A reason to carry on.

 Still, he was in pain and absolutely terrified. He’d spend hours each day after classes just sitting on his bed, sobbing his heart out. _Eric … please just come back. Please … love me._

 

_\-----_

***William’s Pov***

 William looked down at Grell, who was cuddled into his chest in the bed of William’s home. He moved his head to kiss her on top of the head, breathing in her smell deeply. _I love her sweet scent. I love everything about her._

 “Will, I’m worried.” Grell said, shifting slightly in his arms.

 William frowned. “What about?”

 “Alan. Have you seen the state he was in in class yesterday? He was shaking all over and looked like he was about to cry. He looked on the verge of a breakdown.”

 “Yes, I had noticed that.”

 Grell sighed, “I have no idea what is wrong with him.”

 “Well, you did tell me that he had broken up with Eric. That is probably what is troubling him.”

 “Maybe. I just hope he will be okay; he’s such a sweet boy. I think I’ll tell Eric about it.”

 “What good would that do? They have split up.”

 “Not many people seem to care about him though.” Grell moved to sit up in bed. “Well enough about that for now, I need to get back to college.”

 “So do I. I have my first class to teach in an hour.”

\----

***Eric’s Pov. Later that day.***

 Eric entered his dorm block, planning to head to Ronald’s room. His class for the day had just finished. As he reached the floor his dorm room was on, he froze. Alan was just leaving his room, probably to go to class himself. He looked up and Eric saw that his eyes were red from crying. _Shit. Is he still upset about the breakup?_

 Alan spotted him and seemed to go paler, before more tears fell from his eyes. He quickly walked passed Eric in the hallway and out of sight. _Man he looks so ill. I wish you’d just get better, Alan._

 Eric then headed to Ronald’s room. Once knocking and being told to come in, he entered the room. Ronald and Claude looked over at him. “Y’ don’t look so good, mate. Somethin’ tha’ matter?” Ronald asked.

 “I’m … fine.” He said, his voice starting to crack.

 “Well y’ don’t sound fine. Jus’ tell me what’s buggin’ y’.”

 Eric moved to sit next to Ronald on the bed. “I jus’ saw Alan in tha’ hallway.”

 “Oh?”

 “He looked really upset. I dunno’ if it’s over me or somthin’ else.”

 Ronald rubbed the back of his head. “Well, did y’ speak ta’ him?”

 “No … why tha’ hell would I?”

 “Because y’ still love him. It’s pretty obvious tha’ y’ do, even if y’ still mad at him.”

 Eric glared at him. “I don’t love him. How could I after wha’ he did? After how much he lied ta’ me?” _Do I? I don’t know anymore. I’m still … mad but I miss him._

 “If y’ didn’t love him, y’ wouldn’t be lookin’ so upset 'bout seein’ him lookin’ bad, would y’?”

 “Maybe I jus’ miss him.”

 “Really? I know he misses y’ too, y' know.”

 “He does? He told ya’ tha’?” _Why did I even ask that? Do I really care?_

 Ronald nodded. “Yeah, he told me on y’ birthday. It’s obvious tha' he still loves y’.”

 “But I’m wi’ someone else now.”

 Claude entered the conversation. “Yes but if you are still in love with Alan, you shouldn’t string Sebastian along. You should be honest with him.”

 “I never said tha' I still love him! I … jus’ miss him.”

 Ronald grinned at him. “Stop tryin’ ta’ fool y’self. Y’ know deep down tha’ y’ love him.”

 There was then a knock at the door, before Grell entered. She told the three about what she had seen in art class, before she left the room again. Ronald turned to Claude. “I’m  happy tha’ she’s found someone tha’ loves her, but I’m gunna’ miss her. She was awesome in bed.”

 Claude smirked at him. “I will think of a way to make love making more exciting. We can have just as much fun on our own.”

 “Now that’s wha’ I’m talkin’ ‘bout babe. I can’t wait.” He turned back to Eric. “So wha’ do y’ make of wha’ Grell jus’ told us?”

 “I don’t know.” _I’m worried. If he’s in such a state all of the time. Why am I worried? I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t care but I do. As much as I don’t want to, I do. Why? Do I really still … love him? Maybe I do … maybe I was just too mad at him to see it all along._


	31. Because I was meant to marry that man.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three more chapters.

***The following day. Sebastian’s Pov.***

 Sebastian had asked Eric to stay behind after class again. He needed to speak with him about something important. He looked up at Eric from his desk, once the other students had left the room. “You seemed distant last night when you came over to mine. Is something troubling you?”

 “No. I’m fine, really. Sorry If I seemed distant.”

 “Really? While you were asleep I heard you calling out Alan’s name.”

 “Oh. Yeah, I had a dream ‘bout him last night actually.”

 “I see. Do you think you would like to get back together with him?”

 Eric looked away. “I don’t know.”

 Sebastian smiled sweetly at him. “Well let me rephrase the question. Do you still love him?”

 “I .. dunno’. I think I might.”

 “Then I think it would be best to end our relationship. You should go back to him.”

 Eric looked at him then. “But … won’t ya’ be upset if tha’ happened?”

 “Maybe a little but I know what it’s like to be in love with someone. You should be with the person you love and only them. We can still be friends. I will not bear any grudges.”

 Eric scratched his chin. “Well thanks, I guess. I hope ya’ get back wi’ tha’ person who ya’ love too.”

 “I don’t think you would want that.”

 “Why not?” The blonde asked, frowning.

 “Because then your friend Ronald would be upset.”

 “Ya’ mean Claude’s tha’ guy ya’ love?”

 “Yes.”

 “Erm … can I ask wha’ happened?”

 “I had to leave Edinburgh for a while. My mother was rather ill and I wanted to be with her until she passed, so we decided to split up. I was away for more than a year. I always thought that we would get back together as soon as I returned but when I got back, he had moved on.”

 “Oh. I’m sorry.”

 “It’s quite alright. When returning, I decided I was going to propose to him but it wasn’t to be, so I didn’t. I still have the ring actually. I really should sell it. Now that he’s with someone else, it’s obvious we weren’t meant to be together.”

 Eric eyed the man sadly. “Well I hope ya’ can move on someday. Find someone who loves ya’.”

 “I don’t think I ever will but thank you.”

 “I’ll be sure ta’ keep in touch, even out of classes.” With that, Eric left the room.

 

\---

 ***Alan’s point of view, the following Monday.***

 The weekend had been awful, Ciel spending most of the day in Alan’s room. His self-inflicted cuts had healed, most of them now just large scars or dry scabs but they had been replaced by cuts inflicted by Ciel. He had bruises all up his neck from being bitten there and had been hiding them with high necked jumpers. He’d had enough of being hurt so badly and wanted someone to come and help him.

 As Ciel entered the room that day, Alan raced over to his bed, grabbing his phone and calling Eric. It was quickly snatched from him and dropped to the ground. Ciel brought his foot down on the phone, breaking it and ending the call. “Just what do you think you’re doing trying to trick me? How dare you disobey me!”

 He gripped Alan by the hair and shoved him down on the bed, quickly cuffing him again. “I'll show you what happens to people who try to betray me. I’m done asking you if you want me. It’s time I take what I want from you.”

 He grabbed hold of Alan’s loose jeans and pulled them off, along with his underwear. He did the same to himself, before forcing Alan’s legs open and nestling between them. “No … please … I … I’m sorry.” Alan pleaded, tears welling up in his eyes.

 “You will be sorry. I’ll make sure of that.” Ciel grabbed Alan’s hips with bruising force, digging his nails into the thin flesh. Alan whimpered, feeling Ciel pressing up against his entrance. “I’m going to enjoy this. I’ve already waited for far too long.”

 A weak, pained scream left Alan as he felt Ciel enter him. Small sobs slipped from his mouth, as Ciel started his assault. _Please stop … it hurts. It really … hurts._ The minutes passed and the agony increased, his muscles unable to relax against the intrusion. After what felt like forever to the boy, he felt the man soften within him and pull out. He let out a shaky breath, hoping and praying that it was all over. That now Ciel had got what he wanted, he would leave him alone.

 Ciel’s next sentence crushed that hope. “I’m not done with you yet. I’m not even close to fulfilling my revenge.” Alan clenched his eyes shut, as he felt himself be violated again. _Eric … please see that … call. Please … come help me._

 

\----

***Half an hour later. Eric’s Pov.***

 Eric still hadn’t spoken to Alan, even once he had realised he was still in love with the boy. He was still angry with him and he knew if he saw the true extent of how bad Alan had gotten now, he wouldn’t be able to contain his anger. He was currently in Ronald’s room, listening to a vulgar conversation.

 “So yeah, Claude really did stick ta’ his word ‘bout making our sessions more fun. It was amazin’. I was gagged and tied up, with a butt plug up me and Claude ridin’ tha’ fuck out of me’.”

 Eric shot him a disgusted look. “I really … didn’t want ta’ know tha’.”

 Ronald laughed. “Oh come on, y’ know for y’self how good my babe is in bed. Now y’ single y’ can join in again, if y’ want.”

 “Erm ... no thanks.” Eric replied, pulling his phone out, planning to play a game on it to get out of the conversation. That’s when he saw a missed call from Alan. “Wha’ tha’ fuck?”

 Claude shot him a confused look. “Is something the matter?”

 “Alan phoned me half an hour ago.”

 “Oh, cool. He must want ta’ see y’ and make up.” Ronald said.

 “No! It’s not cool. Ya’ don’t understand. He’s never ever phoned me or even text me. He never does. Somethin’ must be … wrong.”

 “Then you should go check on him.” Claude stated.

 “I … dunno if I can.”

 “Sure ya’ can! Ya’ love him, so go see wha’ tha’ matter is.” Ronald said.

 “We will come with you, if you wish.” Claude added.

 “Yeah … okay. Thanks guys.”

 “We should probably hurry.” Ronald said, standing up.

 All three men made their way to Alan’s room and Eric put the key in Alan's lock. That when he noticed that the door was already unlocked. _This is bad. He never leaves his door open._ He pushed it open and what he saw made his blood instantly boil. _You bastard!_


	32. Broken ribs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story starts to unfold. Watch this space.

***Eric’s Pov***

 Alan was tied to the bed rails, small sobs and moans coming from him. Ciel was sexually abusing him, hand wrapped around the tiny boy, pumping him forcefully. Before Eric could even react, Claude had barged passed him and into the room. As Ciel looked over at them, Claude grabbed his t-shirt and dragged him away from Alan and onto the floor, as Eric and Ronald moved into the room.

 A sharp kick was aimed to Ciel’s stomach and then another. Ciel clambered to his feet, rushing from the room. Claude followed him and then Eric heard sharp cries coming from the hallway. A few moments later, Claude re-entered the room. “Well I do not think he will be causing any more trouble. Not with a crooked nose and a few broken ribs, anyway.”

 “Awesome. Y’ really showed him, Claude.” Ronald beamed, before he looked at Alan and his smile faded.

 Eric looked at him too, tears pricking at his eyes. His eyes were still screwed shut, his body shaking and breath coming out in short gasps. Eric moved onto the bed at his side, to untie him. Alan whimpered but didn’t open his eyes. “Al, open ya’ eyes. Ciel’s gone, okay?”

 Alan looked up at him, tears falling now his eyes were open. “Eric … y … you came. You … r … really came.” He moved to rest his head on Eric’s lap, wincing slightly from the pain shooting through him. With shaky hands, he gripped onto Eric’s shirt, pressing his face into the material.

 Eric ran his fingers through Alan’s hair. “Yeah, I came. I’m sorry I didn’t see ya’ phone call sooner.”

 Alan shook his head. “I … it doesn’t matter. Y … you’re here now. Y … you’re really here.”

 “Eric.” Claude stated. “We are going to go now and leave you two to it.”

 Eric nodded. “Okay … thanks.”

 He watched the two men leave and that’s when he noticed the knife lying on the bedside table. He looked back down at Alan, his eyes scanning over the cuts on the side of his arms. “Did he … use tha’ knife on ya’?”

 Alan nodded and Eric continued. “Wha’ ‘bout the healin’ ones, did he?”

 “N … no.” _So he did it to himself … I should have known that._

 “I think I should take ya’ ta’ tha’ hospital.”

 “N … no. I don’t want to g … go t … there.”

 Eric sighed. “You’ve been hurt pretty bad though.”

 “I … don’t want t … to. I don’t … care. I … I’m just … glad you’re here now.”

 “Then lie back down on ya’ back, so I can at least clean ya’ up.”

 “O … okay.” He shifted off of Eric, lying back down flat on the bed. Eric went to grab a towel and wetted it. He cleaned the blood off of Alan, before pulling a pair of pj’s from Alan’s wardrobe and helping him into them. Alan stopped crying at that point, instead just lying there looking exhausted.

 Eric then sat back on the bed, pulling Alan gently into his arms. “I … I’m so sorry I let this happen to you.” A few tears fell, the guilt eating him up inside.

 “I … I’m just … thankful you’re here. I … missed you.”

 “I missed ya’ too.

 Alan snuggled up to him more. “I … love you, Eric. I want … to be with you again.”

 Eric sighed. “I … can’t. I’m sorry.”

 “You … don’t love me. I … understand.” Alan’s voice was laced with sadness.

 “It’s not tha’. I can’t be wi’ ya’ jus’ ta’ watch ya’ die. I need ta’ be able ta’ help ya’. I need ta’ know why ya’ are doing this. Wha’ all these nightmares are ‘bout.” Alan didn’t reply, so he continued. "Please jus’ tell me Al, I just want ta’ help ya’."

 

\---

***Alan’s Pov.***

 _No … he can’t know. He … he will judge me for it. He … will hate me._ “I … don’t want to talk about it.”

 Eric moved his hand to grab the boys chin softly, tilting his head to look at him. “Please jus’ tell me. I ‘ave ta’ know.”

 “But … you’ll hate me if you know.”

 “I’d never judge ya’ for wha’ has happened ta’ ya’. Tell me … so I can understand. If I understand what’s happened ta’ make ya’ like this, it’ll be easily ta’ help ya’.”

_If … I don’t … I might never get him back. But … I can’t live with him knowing my past. If … I don’t tell him though, he … will get angry again. I don’t … want to make him upset._

 “O … okay. Please … just don’t hate me … if I do.”

 

\----

***Eric’s Pov.***

 Eric smiled at him. “Thank you. I still love ya’ … I will no matter wha’ ya’ tell me.”

 Alan averted his eyes. “I … my dad used to hurt me. My mom and sister too.”

 “Why would I get angry at ya’ for tha’?” Alan didn’t reply. “How … did he hurt ya’ … wha’ did he do?”

 “He used to hit me … a lot.”

 “Why?” _What a bastard. Alan didn’t deserve that._

 “He … used to be in the army. He … wasn’t always like that but … when I was eight … I think the army changed him. I think … it messed … up his head. So … he got violent.”

 Eric kissed the top of Alan’s head. “I’m … so sorry tha’ happened ta’ you. Did … he do anything else to ya’?” _Do I really want to know that. No … I have to know so I can understand Alan more._

 “I don’t want-.”

 “Please jus’ tell me. Whatever happened, I will still love ya’.”

 “Y … yes he did.”

 “Like wha’?” Alan’s eyes started to brim with tears again. “Alan … like wha’ Ciel did to ya’?” _Please say no. I think … I’ll flip if he did._

 Alan nodded. “Yes … he had a gun … license … he’d always press … it … to my neck when … he made me …” Alan’s voice trailed off, as tears slid down his face.

 _That bastard. I’m going to lose my temper in a minute. How dare he do that to Alan … to his own son!_ “That’s why ya’ don’t like ya’ neck bein’ touched?”

 “Yeah … it … reminds me … of all the pain … from back then.”

 Eric gritted his teeth. “I swear to god, Al, if he ever touches ya’ again, I’ll hunt him down and kill him.”

 What happened next started him. Alan began to laugh, a manic crazed laugh, his sides shaking from the impact of it. _What the hell? What’s so funny? Has … he completely lost it … with what Ciel did to him?_


	33. What's so f***ing funny?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last but one chapter. This will shock you aha.

***Eric’s Pov.***

 “Al … what’s so funny?”

 Alan didn’t answer, his laugh only growing in volume. “Alan! Snap out of it.” He shook Alan slightly. “Why are ya’ laughing? What’s so funny?”

 “I’m … sorry. I … just … found it ironic … you would … say that.” Alan said, between more laughs.

 _Huh? What the hell is he on about?_ “Why ironic?”

 “Because.” He laughed again. “They’re all ... dead. Everyone is ... dead.”

 Eric just stared down at him for a moment. _Dead? What the fuck?_ “Wha’?”

 Alan’s laughs turned into sobs. “I .. it was … all my fault. It’s … my fault they died.”

 _He … killed them? No – that’s stupid. Alan could … never have done that, could he?_ “How could it be your fault, Al? wha’ happened?” _I’m dreading this answer._

 Alan tried to talk but all that came out were more sobs. Eric hugged him tighter, kissing the top of his head, until he began to calm down. Eventually, he was able to speak. “I … I lost my … temper with … my dad. When … I was thirteen … after five years of … being hurt. I yelled at him … told him I wished … he was dead.”

 “Oh. Wha’ happened then?” _I don’t like where this is going._

 “He … killed them all, Eric. I tried to … stop him … but he shot everyone … that night. My … mom … then … my sister. I … I tried to stop him but … I couldn’t. I saw them … all die. Then he shot … himself. He told … me that it was … all my fault. That I shouldn’t … have said that … if I didn’t mean it. I think … he was drunk but … if I hadn’t of said … that-.”

 Eric shook his head. “Don’t you dare blame ya’self. Ya’ weren’t to know he would do tha’ shit. Is … tha’ why keep hurtin’ ya’self, ‘cause ya’ blame ya’self?” _God ... that's awful. My poor baby._

 “Y … yes. I … I was left there for over a week … in that house … with them, before … the police came. I think … they realised … we hadn’t been to school.”

 “Then wha’ happened?”

 “They ruled … it as a murder … suicide. I … went to live with my grandparents … on my dad’s side.”

 Eric smiled down at him. “At least things got better then though, right?”

 Alan shook his head. _What no? How much more shit was this kid put through._ Eric spoke again. “Why didn’t they?”

 “My … dad used to tell … them I was … a bad child. They … also blamed … me for his death. They … hated that I was … the one to live. They … kicked me out of … the house  as soon … as I turned sixteen. They … changed the locks.”

 _How the hell could they be so cruel?! Those cunts!_ “Did ya' 'ave anywhere ta' go?”

 “No … I ended up on the streets … until this man … took me in.”

 “Oh okay. Did he treat ya’ well?” _Seriously, this kid has got to have caught a break at some point._

 Alan shook his head. “No? Dammit Al, wha' did he do ta’ ya’?”

 Alan bit his lip. “He … hurt me too. Made me do … things … with him and … other men.” _Why are people such awful monsters?! How dare they do that to him … that wouldn’t have been long before he came to college. No wonder he looked so scared._

 “Then wha’ happened?” Eric asked. “How did ya’ end up in college?”

 “I … he hurt me badly … I ended up in the hospital. The police came … straight away. They had been looking … for me … because I wasn’t at school again. They … hadn’t been able to find me … because I was always at that … man’s house. They … helped me to … get benefits and … a place to live and I went … back to school. Then … I came here.”

 Eric rested his chin on top of Alan’s head. “Thank you so much for tellin’ me , Al. I can’t even … imagine how hard … tha’ was ta' talk 'bout.”

 “It’s okay … you’ve been asking me for over … a year anyway.”

 “Yeah, I ‘ave because I ‘ave always wanted ta’ help ya’. Do … ya’ think you’ll be able to get tha’ help ya’ need now? Will … ya’ go and try ta’ see a doctor?

 “ I … o … okay.”

 “Thank ya’ so much, Alan. I jus' want ya’ well again. Then we can do stuff together properly. We still haven’t been ta’ tha’ castle here. I know how much ya’ wanted ta’ go before.”

 “Yeah … I did. I’d … like that.”

 “And ya’ need ta’ draw me, remember? Ya’ said ya’ would.”

 A small smile crept across Alan’s face. I … know. I will.”

 Eric reached down to kiss him. Pulling away, he spoke again. “I … love ya’ so much and I’m so proud of ya’ for finally tellin’ me everythin’.”

 “I love you too. So much.”

 They spent the next hour talking about all the things they would do once Alan started to get better, as well as when Eric would go and get him registered at the doctors. They had decided to go the next day, once Eric had finished the football game that was scheduled. Eric felt himself cheer up. He was happier than he had been in a while. There was hope. There was finally some hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't put Alan's Pov on here for a reason. Will in next chapter.


	34. Endings.

***Alan’s pov, the following day, just after Eric had left the dorm to play his match.***

_Eric, I’m so sorry … I lied again. I … can’t do this. I can’t live with you knowing … all the awful things I’ve done. I … it's my fault. Just … because you tell … me it’s not … doesn’t make it true. I … know you said … you … loved me … and didn’t judge me for … my past but … I know that soon you’ll … begin to hate me … just like everyone else. You … you’re better off without … a failure like me. I always … pushed you away because … I didn’t want you to get hurt. Everyone … who was ever close to me … got hurt. My … mom … my sister. All dead … because of me. I … can’t live with myself anymore. I can’t look you … in the eye or … hug you … or kiss you anymore, knowing … that you know._

_I’m so sorry … that I lied about getting help … yesterday. I … just couldn’t … say that I wouldn’t. I .... couldn’t see you looking sad. I … I love you. I … will never deserve you. I hope … you will be happy one day … with someone better … so much better than me._

 With a trembling hand and shaky breath, Alan dropped the pen onto his desk next to his note. _I’m so sorry Eric … for everything I have done._ He moved the note onto his bed, picking up the pack of aspirin. Taking ten, he waited for half an hour, until he was sure that the effects would be sufficient, tears silently tricking down his face.

 He picked up a packet of new razors and broke them open while he was waiting, until it was time. He moved to the bathroom, locking the door and running himself a bath. _I just … hope you aren’t … the one to find me._

 Sitting in the bath, with his clothes still on, jeans and a short shirt, he raised the blade to himself. He pressed it deep into his arm, dragging the blade vertically downwards. The blade’s momentum slowed, as the metal snagged on scar tissue. He just pressed down harder, the pain shooting through his arm no match for his inner agony.

 Cutting again, this time horizontally, he moved to the other arm. Blood pooled around him, the aspirin working better than he had expected. A small smile presented on his lips, as he moved to take his glasses off. _At least I won’t … be able to burden you anymore … Eric. I love … you so much._ He closed his eyes, arms slipping back into the water. _I won’t burden … anyone anymore._

***Eric’s pov***

 Eric spent the match playing better than he had in months, his heart filled with happiness. _Things are finally going to be okay. My Alan … is finally going to be alright. I love him. One day we’ll get married, I’m sure of it._ He scored many goals in that game, his happiness only growing. _We’ll get ya’ to the doctors in a bit and then you can start to recover. Oh my god Alan, I really am so proud of ya'._

 He got showered and changed quickly, rushing to Alan’s room with a wide smile on his face. _When we get out of the doctors, I’m going to hold you and kiss you and never let you go. I’ll tell you all day how much I love you. How much you mean to me. The world … no, that doesn’t even compare to my love for ya’._

 Opening the door, he took a step inside. _He’s not in here?_ That’s when he spotted the packet of half empty aspirin and the empty case of razors. He rushed over to the bed and saw the note. _No … he didn’t. He ... couldn't. He … hasn’t …_

 He picked up the note and read it, before he fell to his knees, sobs slipping from his lips. He knew he had to move, to go and find Alan, to try to save him but his muscles wouldn’t work. Shock took hold of him and he sobbed louder. “No .. Al. We … were mean ta’ be happy. We were meant ta’ go ta’ tha’ castle and move in together at … tha’ end of tha’ year. Wha’ … 'bout all tha’ plans we made?! Wha’ 'bout tha’ love … we shared?! Wha’ … 'bout … our future?!”

‘Eric. I’m sorry for all the trouble I have caused you. I hope one day you’ll find someone who’s worth your love. Someone who will make you happy, like I never could. I love you. I always will. – Alan’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm a sobbing mess right now over this. Omg Alan ... why!?!?!


	35. A bad tackle.

***20 minutes after the start of the football game. Ronald’s Pov.***

 Ronald entered his room to find Claude waiting there for him. “Oh, I didn’t expect you back yet.” The older man stated.

 Ronald grinned at him. “Yeah … I got sent off ten minutes in.”

 “What did you do this time?”

 “Ah … bad tackle. Anyway, wanna’ go for a bath?” The teenager asked, moving next to Claude on the bed.

 They shared a deep kiss, before Claude replied. “I would love to but Alan is taking a bath right now.”

 Ronald frowned at him. “Na. He took a bath wi’ Eric earlier, I’m sure that’s wha’ Eric said before tha’ match.”

 “Maybe I am wrong. He didn’t have a towel or anything. I was just sure I heard the bath running once he had gone in there.”

 The blonde felt his gut churn. _Why would he want another bath … he isn’t planning to-._ “Claude … are y’ sure it was him?”

 “Yes … I saw him. Why?”

 “And … the bath was definitely running?”

 “Why?”

 “Was tha’ bath fuckin’ runnin?!

 “I’m pretty sure of it, yes.”

 “How … long ago was tha’?”

 “Why?”

 “Jus’ answer tha’ fuckin’ question!”

 “Just a few minutes ago. I only got here just before you came back.”

 “Shit.” Ronald raced out of the room and down to the bathroom door, banging on it loudly. “Alan! Open up! Alan … can y’ hear me?!”

 Claude caught up with him. “Ronald … what an earth is the matter?”

 “After wha’ Ciel did ta’ him, why do y’ think he’d take a second bath for today?”

 “I’m not-.”

 “He’s gunna’ try and kill himself!” He banged on the door again. “Alan … open tha' fuckin’ door!” Shit … he’s not answering.” Ronald stepped back, planting a sharp kick just under the handle of the door. It didn’t budge, so he tried a second and then a third time. With a cracking sound, the door swung open and Ronald raced in.

 “Call a … fuckin’ ambulance!”


	36. Wake up!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chap on purpose.

***Ronald’s Pov***

 Ronald stared in horror at the scene in front of him for a moment, before springing into action. There was so much blood. Rushing to the bathtub, his clothed arms slid into the reddened water. He scooped Alan up and laid him on the floor at the side of the bath, his clothes getting covered with blood. To his surprise, Alan was still conscious. “Hang on kid, were gunna’ ge’ y’ ta’ tha’ hospital.”

 At that moment, Claude returned, having gone to phone an ambulance and grab some towels. Giving one to Ronald, he knelt down at the other side of Alan, pressing the towel to his arm. Ronald did the same to his other arm. “Ron … nie … is that … you?” The brunette’s voice was but a weak whisper.

 “Yeah, it’s me. Y’ like tha’ nickname too, huh?” Ronald asked, reaching over to slide Alan’s glasses back on, other hand still pressing the towel firmly to his arm.

 “Y … yeah ... it's c ... cute.” Alan’s eyes slipped shut.

 “Kid, y’ gotta’ stay awake!” Panic rose in Ronald’s voice.

 “I … don’t w … ant to.”

 “Well y’ not fuckin’ dyin’ on me today, y’ hear?”

 Alan opened his eyes to look at him. “I … don’t … w … want to … be here.”

 “Y’ ‘ave ta’. Y’ can’t do this ta’ Eric! He’s gunna’ be a mess if somethin’ happens ta’ y’!”

 Alan looked away from him, not answering. “How long till tha’ ambulance gets here, Claude?” Ronald asked.

 “They didn’t specify a time.”

 “And y’ didn’t think ta’ fuckin’ ask?” He looked down at the towel. “Shit … he’s bleedin’ really badly from this arm.”

 “Yes … it does seem worse than on this side.”

 “Jus’ hang on, kid. Please.” He looked up to see Alan’s eyes slip shut again. “Kid, stay awake!” He moved to shake him but got no response. “Kid, wake tha’ fuck up!” “Alan?” “Alan!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So is he gunna' live???


	37. Ronald's a mess.

If you were right here, I’d stay by your side until the end of eternity.

***Eric’s Pov***

 Eric didn’t know how long he stayed collapsed on the floor after seeing Alan’s note, sobbing his heart out. As for his heart? It had broken into tiny pieces. It was shattered. Without Alan, he was a shattered man. _I … I can’t live without you. If only … I hadn’t of dumped you before … then Ciel wouldn’t have – you might still be ali-._

 His sobs turned to heaves, hands moving to grip the carpet to the front of him, as he vomited. _I … can’t have lost you. This just … can’t be happening. We … were meant to get you well again … we were meant to be happy._ He knew it was too late now. He hadn’t moved fast enough to try to save Alan. The shock of the situation; the shock of Alan’s recurrent lies had crashed onto him, making him unable to move. Unable to even think about anything other than his loss. And what a loss it was. There was a gaping void in him, which could only be filled by his love for Alan; by having Alan remain at his side. _You’re … gone. You’re really … gone._

 Even a loud bang at the door couldn’t drag him from such thoughts. He had heard it but his brain hadn’t registered it. Another bang and then a voice. “Eric, are you in there?” _Is that Claude?_

 “Go away!” _I don’t want to see you … I don’t want to see anyone. Anyone but him and he’s …_

 The knob was tested and finding the door to be unlocked, Claude walked in. “Eric, why did you not answer your phone? I have been trying to call you for over an hour.”

 “Do I … look interested … in … whatever ya’ ‘ave ta’ say?”

 “Eri-.”

 “My phone … is still in my … room, has been since tha’ match. Now go away!”

 Claude walked up behind him and saw the note discarded on the floor, next to the drying patch of sick. “He … left you a suicide note?”

 “Yeah … he did. He’s gone, Claude. He’s go-. Wait … how do ya’ know … wha’ tha’ note was ‘bout?”

 “Because Ronald was the one to find him.”

 “Oh … my god. He-.”

 “Alan’s alive. We found him just in the nick of time. If he had gotten to the hospital even a few minutes later he-.”

 “He’s alive!?” Eric stood up quickly, a shocked look on his face. “He … didn’t kill himself?”

 “No … he’s fine. Ronald on the other hand, is a mess. Alan lost consciousness and Ronald thought he’d bled out in front of him. He hadn’t, his blood pressure had just dropped. At least that is what the paramedics told us. They told us he’d nicked an artery in just one arm and that’s why he was bleeding so badly but when we got to the hospital … well he’s alive.”

 “Thank … goodness for that.”

 Before Claude could reply, Eric had pulled him into a tight hug, head pressed against his shoulder, as more tears fell. “Thank ya’ so … much.”

 “I’m not the one you need to thank. As I stated, Ronald was the one to find him. He was the one to realise that Alan was in the bath for a second time today. We should really go back to the hospital. I just need to go and get Ronald a clean change of clothes. He’s covered in blood. I had to get a taxi back here but I can drive us both there now. Ronald told me I had to find you and tell you that Alan was okay.”

 “Yeah … I’ll thank him too, don’t worry ‘bout that. I … I was so scared. I thought I’d … lost him.”

\--

 The drive was silent, Eric’s mind still reeling from the last few hour’s events. _He’s really alive. I … I’m so relieved._ As Claude stopped the car, he spoke again. “Please forgive Ronald if he seems in a worst state than you.”

 “It’s fine, I understand.” _Seeing … Alan … that couldn’t have … been easy._

 Claude pulled the keys from the ignition. “You do not. This wouldn’t be the first time this has happened to him.”

 _What the hell is that supposed to mean?_ “Wha’ do ya’ mean?”

 “He was in the room when his sister died. The only family member in the room when it happened.”

 “Oh.”

 “Just don’t mention it to him. Anyway, let’s not waste any more time.”

\--

 They entered the hospital and found Ronald sitting outside the room Alan was being kept in, his clothes stained thick with blood. His feet were pressing into the edge of the seat, knees curled into his chest, arms wrapped around them. As Eric approached him, he saw that the teenager was shaking. “Ronnie … ya’ alright?”

 “Yeah … I’m fine.” _You obviously aren’t._

 At that moment, a doctor and nurse exited Alan’s room and approached the three males. “You have come to see Mr Humphries, I assume?” The nurse asked.

 “Yeah.” Eric stated.

 “Well I’m afraid you can’t, as you are not family.”

 “I’m his partner.”

 “Yes but you are not related to him.”

 Eric gritted his teeth. “His family ain't around.”

 The nurse frowned at him. “Well do you have a contact number for them? Mr Humphries is awake but won’t speak to anyone.”

 “They’re dead! I’m tha' closest person he has left!” Eric shouted at her. He could feel Ronald’s eyes on him, no doubt from being confused by his outburst.

 “Well … if you are his partner, I see no reason why you cannot visit him.” The doctor intervened. “We had no way of finding a contact for him, as he would not tell us anything. Not his date of birth, home address, anything. He hasn’t uttered a word since he woke up.”

 “Really, I can go see him?” Eric breathed a sigh of relief, before a worrying thought crossed his mind. “Is … he okay though? He’s alive but is he …”

 “We had to stitch him up and give him some blood but he’s fine. He awoke not long ago. His mental state however … I’m not sure. We are waiting for the crisis team to come and evaluate him. Would you like to see him now?”

 “Yeah … I really would.”


	38. No ... they dont help anyone.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paracetamol is acetaminophen / Tylenol in the Usa.

***Eric's Pov*** 

 Eric entered the room to see Alan sitting up in bed, head facing away from him. The blonde cringed when he spotted Alan’s arms, dressings covering the inside of them. “Al, how are ya’ feelin’?”

 He received no answer. “Al?”

 “Alan?” He moved to stand right next to the side of the bed. “Alan, would ya’ please jus’ talk to me?”

 “Alan, please. Say somethin’.” He moved around to the side of the bed Alan was facing. Alan was eyeing the floor. “Al … look at me.”

 “Al … please.” Eric felt his upset begin to rise. “Do … ya’ know how scared I was?”

 He still received no answer and pulled the chair at that side of the bed closer to it, before sitting down. “Al … I saw tha’ note and thought … I’d lost ya'. I was … so scared.” Sobs slipped from Eric. “I … can’t live without ya’, Alan.”

 Alan looked at him then, eyes brimming with his own tears. “I … I’m sorry.”

 That’s from Eric felt himself crack. “I … don’t want ta' hear it!” He bent forward, pressing his face into the sheets on top of Alan’s legs, fists gripping them until his knuckles turned white. “I … don’t care how sorry ya’ are … I jus’ want ya’ well! Why don’t ya’ understand tha’?! I … jus’ want ya’ alive! That’s … that’s all I want! He bawled, shoulders shaking.

 “Eric-.”

 “Don’t ya’ realise how many people love ya’?! How many people care? Grell, Ronald, Claude. Even Alisha and Adrian care! Hell, Ronald’s a mess right now!

 Alan lifted a hand to stroke through Eric’s hair, making him lift his head. “Ya’ shouldn’t … be moving ya’ arms. Wha’ if ya’ stitches pop?” His tone had softened.

 “Your … hair is so nice.” Alan stated, ignoring the question.

 “But doesn’t it hurt?”

 Alan shook his head. “I think … they gave me pain killers. He paused and then spoke again. “Do … people really care about … me?”

 “Of course. Everyone would … miss ya’, Al.”

 “Oh.”

 “Jus' … tell me why, Al. After wha’ ya’ said ta' me yesterday, Why … did ya try ta' …” Eric couldn’t bring himself to voice the end of the sentence.

 “I don’t wan-.”

 “Don’t ya’ dare! I nearly lost ya’ … and you’re tryin’ ta' avoid givin’ me a reason?”

 “I just ... didn’t … want you to hate me.” Alan averted his eyes again.

 “What are ya’ on ‘bout? Hate ya’ for wha’?”

 “My … past.”

 “Why tha’ fuck would I hate ya’ for tha’?”

 “Because of all the people I got … killed … all the men I … slept with.”

 “Ya’ didn’t sleep wi’ them. They took advantage. Ya’ know tha’. Deep down ya’ know tha' it wasn’t ya’ fault tha' ya’ dad killed everyone.”

 “But-.”

 “No, Al. It wasn’t ya’ fault. None of it was ya’ fault. I’d never hate ya’ for any of tha’.”

 “You really … mean that?”

 “I’d never lie ta’ ya’, Al. I don’t hate ya’ for anything tha’ happened to ya’. The only thing I feel for ya’ is love.”

 “You … won’t leave me again?”

 “Never.”

 A small smiled graced Alan’s lips. “Then … if you will always love me … I want to live … and be with you.”

 “Ya’ best not be lyin’ ta’ me again.”

 “I … I’m not. I love … you Eric. I always will. I was just … scared that you’d start hating me. I … couldn’t live with that.”

 “Ya’ ‘ave nothin’ ta’ be scared of anymore, I promise. I'll never hate ya'. I jus’ hope tha’ crisis team will be able ta’ help ya’.”

 “Me … too.”

 

\----

***Ronald’s pov***

 “Ronald, we should probably get you back to college. You could do with some rest.” Claude stated.

 “I … don’t wanna’.”

 “Why not? You’re looking quite pale, you should sleep.”

 “Not until I know wha’ tha’ crisis team have said.”

 “I’m sure they will get Alan the help he needs.”

 “No … they won’t. They never do.” Ronald hugged his knees closer to himself.

 “What makes you think that?”

 “Rachel … they didn’t help her.”

 “But Alan tried to take his own life. Surely they will keep him in for psychiatric evaluation?”

 “So … did Rachel. She tried … loads of times before … she died. They just sent her … home. She … overdosed … really badly tha' once and they jus' sent … her home once they had tested her … blood and found that tha' level of paracetamol in … her system wasn’t enough ta' … kill her. The crisis … team didn’t give a shit. Even when … my mom begged … they did fuck all.”

 Ronald was sobbing by this point and Claude rubbed his back soothingly. “Well … we just have to be hopeful that Alan’s case will be different.”

 “Yeah, for his sake, I hope … so too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do not say I'm bullsh***ing on the paracetamol part because this really happened to me. They took me to the ER, gave me a blood test and then called the crisis team, who basically told me to get over myself and discharged me within an hour. Man, I hate them.


	39. Crisis team.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah ... the Crisis team said pretty much the same thing to me when I overdosed. Man, I hate them. 
> 
> Oh. Fortisip are like Ensure in the USA.

***Eric’s Pov***

 Eric was angry. No, he was fuming. It was taking all of his strength to not chase the two members of the crisis team down the hallway and beat them to a pulp.

 ‘You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t waste it.’

 ‘Seriously, you have so much to look forward to.’

 ‘Don’t you realise how painful it would be to cut your arteries open? You don’t want to die like that’.

 How dare they talk to Alan in such a way; to his Alan _. They call themselves professionals?_ _I could have done a better job of that evaluation than them. Can’t they see how sick is he? How much he needs help? And they just cast him aside like that? Make him feel guilty and shitty? Some healthcare that is._

 He stormed out of the room, casting a last glance over his shoulder at Alan. He was eyeing his hands, placed in his lap. He was trying to pretend like their words hadn’t hurt him but they had. They had basically just told him to get over his ‘stupid’ issues and be happy, without even knowing what his problems were. Without knowing all the awful things he’d been through. He was trying not to cry and that fact just angered Eric more.

 He walked down to where Ronald and Claude were sitting. _Shit, Ronnie’s been crying again._ “Wha' … did they say?” Ronald asked, hope in his voice.

 “Nothin' of any use.” Eric stated bluntly. If he were to repeat what had been said to Alan, he would flip.

 “Oh … I’m sorry. I didn’t … think they would be of much use but I hoped they would ge’ him some help.”

 “No … they jus’ told him ta’ go to his doctors once he was discharged.”

 “They aren’t going to keep him in, to monitor his mental state?” Claude asked.

  “No.” Eric stated, even more bluntly this time.

 “So, ‘ave they said when they are goin’ ta’ discharge him?” Ronald questioned.

 “Tomorrow night. If not, the mornin’ after.”

 “Ya’ can’t be serious! No fuckin’ way! That’s way too soon!” Was Ronald’s reply.

 “I know, it’s fuckin’ ridiculous.”

 “But … he … needs help!” _Ronnie … don’t you dare start crying on me … please don’t._ “He needs ta’ … ge' better!” _Dammit, Ronnie. Claude was right, ya’ am in a right state._ Claude pulled Ronald into a tight embrace, kissing the top of his head and wiping his tears away.

 “Don’t worry … Ronnie … I’m takin’ Alan ta’ tha’ doctors, as soon as we get out of tha’ hospital. I’m gunna’ get him registered tomorrow in advance.”

 “G … good.” Ronald’s breath was shaky, just like the rest of him.

 “Ya’ should go ge’ some rest, mate. Visitin’ hours are almost over anyway.”

 Ronald wiped his eyes, more tears having spilled. “Yeah … y’ comin’ too?”

 “In a bit … jus’ wanna’ talk ta’ Al again first.”

 “Then I’ll wait for y’.”

 Eric walked back into Alan’s hospital room and clenched his fists. Alan was sobbing, arms wrapped around his knees. _Jesus Al, be careful with ya’ stitches!_

 He took a few steps into the room. “Al, what’s wrong?”

 “What … they … said. It … it’s all true. I … should just … get over it. I’m useless … just a complete weakling. I … I’m pathetic.” _I knew it. Those bastards. They’ve messed his head up even more!_

 Eric moved to sit on the very edge of the bed. “No. They ‘ave no idea wha’ they are talkin’ ‘bout. Al, ya’ not weak in tha’ slightest. Ya’ so strong for still bein’ here, after everythin’ that’s happened ta’ ya’.”

 “But … I nearly wasn’t. If … Ronnie hadn’t … I’d be dead.”

 “Yeah … well ya’ not dead. It’s been four years of hell for ya’ and ya’ survived it all. Ya’ not weak at all.”

 “You … really think so?”

 Eric smiled at him. “Yep!” Alan smiled too. _God … I could really get used to that smile … I’ve only ever seen it once before and since being here … he’s smiled twice. It’s fucking beautiful._

 “We’re still going … to the doctor’s, right?” Alan asked.

 “Yeah we are, like we said ya’ would before ya’ ended up in here.”

 “Good … I do want to get better. I … mean it this time. I … really do. I want … to live … with you in my life, for as long as possible.” _That’s the first time he’s actually brought up going to get help. He … really does want to get better this time. I can tell … he’s not lying._

 “I really am proud of ya’, Al. Now come ‘ere and give us a hug.” Alan moved to snuggle into his side and Eric wrapped his arm around the thin boy’s shoulder. “I love ya’, Al.”

 “I love you too.”

 “I do have ta’ go now though or they’ll be kickin’ me out. I’m sorry.”

 “It’s okay … Eric … I understand.”

 Eric gave him a kiss on the lips but what happened next shocked him. He felt Alan open his mouth, tongue pressing again his lips. _Well … that’s new. He’s never wanted to kiss like … that before._ Eric opened his mouth, letting the other take charge. Letting him go at his own pace. Alan’s tongue pressed against his and Eric moved his free hand up to tangle in Alan’s hair. Alan didn’t flinch away, so Eric decided to try and deepen the kiss. This earned a slight moan from the small boy. _Wow … he’s really good at this. Tastes amazing too._

 After a while, Alan pulled away. “I’m going … to miss you … tonight Eric. It’s … going to be … lonely here without you.”

 “Same here babe. Do ya’ want me ta’ skip class tomorrow, so I can be wi’ ya’ all day? I’ll text Sebastian … he’ll understand, I’m sure.”

 “I … I’d like that. Thank you.”

\-------

 Alan hadn’t been discharged the next day but the morning after that instead. The doctor who had first spoken to Eric was the one to give them both some advice, before they left. He was the only nice staff member Eric had seen while they were there. Alan’s dressings had been changed earlier that day and the doctor gave him some advice on how to take care of his stitches, saying to remove the dressings the next day and let them breathe, as well as to keep the area clean. “Erm … Dr Cole.” Alan stammered.

 “Yes, Mr Humphries?”

 “I …” He pointed to his left hand with his other fingers. “I … don’t have any feeling … in my index and middle finger of this hand. I … thought it would come … back within a few hours … but it hasn’t since I got here.”

 “I see. You do have some nerve damage. We realised that when you were brought in. That’s the arm you cut deepest on, nicking the artery. You really should have told us that as soon as you realised. Can you still move it?”

 “Yes … I just can’t feel it. It … it’s okay … it’s not the hand I use for my artwork.” _Thank god for that. I couldn’t imagine the state he’d be in if he couldn’t draw and paint._

 “The feeling may return in time. You will just have to wait and see, I’m afraid. Oh, I almost forgot to mention. We did some routine blood tests while you were here. Turns out you’re anaemic. We will be discharging you with some ferrous sulphate tablets, to help with the iron levels in your blood. You have to take one, three times daily and then in a month’s time, get your blood tested again at your doctors. We have given you 84 tablets, enough for the month.”

 “Oh … thank you.”

 “Yeah … thanks, Dr Cole.”

\-----

 They got a taxi back to the college dorms, when Alan asked “When … did you book the Doctors for?”

 “3.30pm today, babe.”

 “G … good. Don’t … they normally have to see you … before they resister you though?”

 “Na. The regulations changed. Everything’s gone electronic, prescription wise now. I told them ya’ needed an appointment pretty urgently, so they have made ya’ a temporary patient. Ya’ need ta’ tell them which Dr’s ya’ was at before, though, so they can move ya’ medical files over.”

 “That’s … good.”

\-----

 The time for the doctors rolled around quickly and Alan’s name was soon called out to see the doctor. Eric explained everything that had happened so far, including Alan’s admission to hospital.

 The doctor turned to Alan. “What do you think has triggered these low moods?”

 “Erm … I …” Alan stammered but was unable to finish the sentence.

 “Do ya’ want me ta’ try and explain, babe?” Eric asked. Alan nodded and Eric spoke again. “He … well he had an abusive past. I don’t think Al would want me to say anything else ‘bout it but it has affected him.”

 “I see. What are your main concerns right now?”

 “More tha’ not eatin’ than anythin’ else, to be fair.” Alan nodded to clarify Eric’s statement, eyes fixed on the floor.

 “Have you lost quite a bit of weight in the past few months, Alan?”

 “Y … Yes.”

 “Do you know how much you weigh roughly at the present moment?”

 “No … I … don’t care about … my weight. I … just find … it hard to eat.” _Yeah, he told me that on the way over here. That he doesn’t think he deserves food. My poor baby._

 “Would you mind jumping on the scales for me?”

 “I … erm … okay.” Alan moved onto the scales in the corner of the room and the doctor followed, looking at the number.

 “Okay. You can take a seat again now.”

 “Is … it bad?” Eric asked, once Alan was seated again.

 “108 pounds. Now, how tall are you, Alan?”

 “Erm … five foot eight.”

 The doctor checked the bmi chart behind him. “Yes, You’re severely underweight.” He turned back to face the two teenagers. “Don’t worry, I’ll get you referred to a dietician. Do  you think you would benefit from counselling?”

 “No … I already have … someone to talk to.”

 “Okay. I will get you referred to a psychologist though at least. I think the anxiety you present may need treating.”

 “Okay … sure.”

 “As for the meantime, until you see the dietician, I’m going to prescribe you some supplement drinks. It should help with your appetite a bit. Is that okay with you?”

 “It’s … fine.”

 The doctor handed the prescription over to Eric and wished them luck. As they left to order another taxi, Alan turned to Eric. “You … know who I meant, right? About … having someone … to talk to?”

 “Erm … me?” Eric said, grinning.

 “Yep.” Alan smiled softly again. _That smile is going to melt my heart, Al._

 Eric made sure Alan was comfortable in bed, before heading out to the pharmacy to fill Alan’s prescription. _Hmm, Fortisip … never heard of it._ He left the pharmacy with an owing slip. They only had a few bottles in stock to give him. He’d have to go to collect the remainder of the prescription the next day. He'd also got Alan some pain killers, as his wounds were still hurting him.

 He got back to Alan’s room and Alan turned to look at him. “Al … ya' don’t look so good, are ya' alright?”

 “I’m fine … Eric. I think … the doctor’s has just … made me tired.”

 “Then I’ll leave ya’ ta’ sleep, alright?”

 “No … stay for a bit. I’ll sleep l … later. Did … you get … the drinks?”

 “Yeah. They didn’t have them all in stock though, gotta’ go back for tha’ rest tomorrow. Wanna’ try one?”

 “Yeah … okay.”

 Eric rummaged in the pharmacy bag. “Hmm … ya’ got a banana, a few strawberry, a chocolate and a vanilla. Which one ya’ want?”

 “Hmm.” Alan moved his finger to his mouth, pondering the options. _What a cute sight._ “Strawberry … please.”

 “Strawberry it is.” Eric smiled, pulling one from the bag. “Well look at tha’, ya’ ge’ a little straw too. Cute, jus’ like ya’.”

 Alan blushed, as Eric walked over to him, twisting the lid off of the bottle and sticking the end of the straw through the foil on the top. He handed it to Alan, who thanked him before taking a sip.

 “Any good?”

 Alan took another sip. “I like … it.”

 “Awesome. Lemme’ try a bit?”

 Alan handed it back over to him and he tried some, his nose scrunching in disgust. “Eurgh. That’s sickly. Gross.”

 “I like … it. It’s like ... strawberry milkshake.”

 “Ya’ like milkshake?”

 “Yeah … when I was little … I used to drink them all the time.” _And here’s me thinking you didn’t like unhealthy things._

 They spent the next three hours cuddled up together, Eric holding him lightly; careful not to accidently brush against his arms. As eight came into view, Eric asked. “Do ya’ want some painkillers before bed?” Alan nodded. “I’ll go and ge’ ya’ some water.”

 He came back into the room and looked at Alan again. “Ya’ still don’t look very good, babe. Ya’ kinda’ pale.”

 “It’s okay … I’m just tired. These … painkillers … knock me out anyway.”

 That was true. Half an hour after taking them, he was fast asleep. Eric pulled the covers over him and went to his own room, not wanting to roll onto Alan’s stiches in the night.

\-----

 The next morning, Eric entered Alan’s room to find him still in bed. “Get up, lazy.” He grinned, walking over to the bed.

 “I … don’t feel so … good, Eric.”

 Eric looked at him and realised he looked even paler than yesterday, his face glistening with sweat. He pressed his hand to Alan’s forehead. “Al, you’ve got a fever. Tha' doctor told us ta' watch out for tha' … lemme’ see ya’ stitches.”

 “But-.”

 “Tha' doctor said ta’ take ya’ dressings off today anyway.”

 “Oh … yeah. Okay.” Eric carefully removed the dressings and grimaced. The skin around his stitches on the one arm was red and swollen. He pressed the back of his hand lightly to the skin and felt that it was hot.

 “Shit … Al. I think these are infected.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And you thought things were gunna' be alright? Hmm. 
> 
> Also ... those fortisip things are sickly. I kinda' liked them though when I had them.


	40. and the drugs don't work.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to put this chapter up. I had work and then had to research more for this chap. Seriously, working in a pharmacy has its benefits but even I don't know everything aha.

***Eric's Pov.***

 Before Alan had even replied, Eric had whipped his phone out of his pocket, dialling the one person he knew that would be able to give him some advice. A few rings in, his dad picked up. “Son, why are you ringing me? You know I’m at work right now.”

 “Yeah I know but I need advice.”

 “Very well but please be quick about it, I have my next patient waiting to be called.”

 “It’s Alan, I think his stitches are infected.”

 “I told you not to see that bo- what stitches? What has he done this time?”

 “I’ll explain later, jus’ tell me if I should take him back ta’ tha’ hospital?”

 “Back to the hospital? What on God’s green earth has been going on?”

 “Dad … please jus’ tell me wha’ ta’ do. I’m worried ‘bout him.”

 His father sighed. “Yes … of course. What are his symptoms?”

 “He’s jus’ got a fever and his wound is all red and raised. Hot ta’ tha’ touch too.”

 “Is he acting confused at all and when did this start?”

 “No … he jus’ looks ill, dad. I think yesterday afternoon … he didn’t look very well then either.”

 “Then do not panic too much. Just get him to the doctors, if he has one now. They should be able to give him some antibiotics.”

 “Alright … thanks dad.”

 “Be expecting a phone call tonight. I want to know what the heck has been happening.”

 “Yeah, alright. Bye.”

 Eric ended the call and then phoned the doctors. He explained the situation and managed to get another urgent appointment for in an hour’s time. It was the same doctor as yesterday and he took a look at the stitches on Alan’s arm, before prescribing him Amoxicillin.

 Eric took Alan with him to the pharmacy this time, wanting him to take the capsules as soon as possible. He handed the prescription in and then took a seat next to Alan in the seating area. “Ya’ alright babe?”

 “Yeah … just really tired … and hot.”

 “You’ll feel loads better once you’ve started takin’ these, I’m sure.” Eric stated, smiling at him.

 A few minutes later, Alan’s name was called out as one of the staff walked into the waiting area. “What’s the address please?”

 Eric smiled at her. “Room 110, Winchester house. Does he ‘ave ta’ take these wi’ food?”

 “No. Can be taken with or without, it doesn’t matter.”

 “Thanks. Oh, I forgot … I need ta’ pick these up too.” He pulled out the owing slip and handed it to her. She nodded but cast a sad look over at Alan. _Why is she looking at him like that? Does she feel sorry for him? Or … the fortisip … does she think he’s like …terminal?_ Eric shook the thought from his mind, going to buy Alan a bottle of water to take his antibiotics with.

 “How … often do I need to take … these?” Alan asked.

 Eric turned the box over, to read the label. “One, three times a day.”

 “Oh … I can just take them with my iron … tablets then.”

 “Good point.” Alan’s name was called out again and Eric went to the desk this time, where he was handed two big bags full of fortisip. He made his way back over to Alan. “Didn’t think tha’ Dr had given ya’ this many. They’re fuckin’ heavy.”

 Alan smiled softly at him. “Don’t … bother phoning a taxi … I think I’ll be okay to walk back to campus.”

 “Ya’ sure?”

 “Yeah … it’s only a few streets away.”

 

\----

 Alan had fallen asleep soon after they had gotten back to his dorm room. He woke back up around 2pm, as Eric was texting Ronald. The blonde looked over at him when he heard the boy stir. “Feelin’ any better?”

 “I … feel worse.”

“Ya’ gotta’ be kiddin’ me.”

 “They probably … just take time to kick in.” Alan said, before he began to cough. “Can … you pass me … my inhaler?”

 Grabbing it from the desk, Eric sat on the side of the bed and helped Alan to sit up. “Ya’ ashma playin’ ya’ up again?” He questioned, once Alan had taken two puffs of his inhaler.

 “I ... just feel … a bit breathless.”

 “Al, what’s tha' on ya’ neck?”

 The brunette frowned. “What … about my neck?”

 “I think ya’ got a rash. Turn ya’ head.” Alan complied and Eric took a closer look at his exposed neck. “Yeah … the doctor did ask if ya’ was allergic ta’ Penicillin but ya’ said ya’ wasn’t.”

 “Because … I don’t think I’ve ever … taken it before.”

 “So ya’ might be? I’m phonin’ dad.”

 

\----

 A few minutes later the call was ended, a very irate Mr Slingby telling his son that Alan had probably just had a reaction to the Amoxicillin, which was quite common. He advised to stop taking it and go back to get an alternative.

 “We’ve got to … go back to the doctor again?” Alan asked.

 “Yeah, ‘friad so. Tha’ infection ain’t gunna’ go away on its own but them capsules ain’t doin’ ya’ no good either. I’ll ring them now.”

 

\----

 A few hours later, they went back to the doctor, Eric telling him about Alan’s symptoms. The doctor then prescribed him Erythromycin, an antibiotic which was not derived from Penicillin. They then had to head back to the pharmacy and finally to their dorm. “Ya’ look as tired as I feel, Al.” Eric joked, as Alan lay down on his bed.

 “I am … tired. I … just want to sleep.”

 “Then ge’ some sleep.”

 Alan looked over at him. “Okay … but stay … please.”

 “Of course. I’ll do anythin’ ya’ want, Al.”

 “Thank you.”

_Man … he finally wants to get well and all this shit happens? Fuckin’ great. I just hope he’ll be a bit better by tomorrow._


	41. He's jus' doesn't give a shit.

***The next morning. Eric’s Pov***

 Eric had stayed with Alan until he had fallen asleep, before going to his own room. The morning was about to end, noon fast approaching and Eric made his way back to Alan’s room. Opening the door, he peeked inside to find Alan still asleep. Deciding not to wake him, he took a seat quietly at Alan’s desk. It wasn’t until he remembered that Alan had to take his medicine that he woke him up, with a gentle stoke of the boy’s cheek. It didn’t wake him, so he bent down to give him a peck on the cheek and then the lips.

 “Hmm … morning already?” Was Alan’s sleepy greeting.

 “Na. It’s afternoon now. Are ya’ feelin’ any better?”

 “N … not really but … at least … I don’t feel breathless.” Alan sat up in bed, moving his hand across his bedside table, feeling for his glasses.

 “Al, they’re on tha’ top of ya’ head.”

 “Oh.” Alan felt around the top of his head and pulled his glasses down.

 “Ya’ always forgettin’ tha’ you’ve left them there. Ya’ should ge' some contact lenses.” _No … wait. He’s too cute with his glasses. Don’t listen to my suggestion! I didn’t mean it._

 “Hmm … I can’t. I've tried but … they … irritate my eyes. I … think I must … be sensitive to them.”

 Eric laughed lightly. “Anythin’ else ya’ wanna mention bein’ allergic to? So we don’t end up in tha’ same mess as yesterday.”

 Alan blushed. “Quite a few … things actually … since I was a child … I just didn’t think … I might be allergic to Penicillin. I’m … sorry for not … realising, for scaring you … yesterday.”

 “Na, don’t apologise. Jus’ tell me wha’ else, so I know for tha’ future.”

 “It’s a long … list.”

 Eric sat next to him on the bed. “Jus’ … tell me.”

 “Erm … cats, peanuts … almonds … tomatoes. Any citrus fruit. Eggs but I'm ... okay with egg in products ... just not a full one ... A full one just makes me itch ... so not a bad allergy. Umm … I think that’s it. No … most creams give … me a rash. Oh … and fish doesn’t … go down well with … my stomach. Oh and … my friend in school was on a … health kick and gave me some soy milk … to try. That … ended up with a hospital trip. Yeah … never give me soy products. I used to suffer really ... bad hay fever but ... as I got older ... it got better.”

 “Woah. Tha’ is quite a list, babe. Why didn’t ya’ tell me tha’ before?”

 “You … didn’t ask and … you didn’t try to make me eat any of that … stuff before so I didn’t … have to say anything.”

 “Ah, I see. Anyway, it’s time for ya’ meds.”

 After taking them, Alan fixed his gaze on the floor. “Erm … Eric. I didn’t have any … fortisip yesterday … I forgot to. I’m sorry.”

 “There’s no need to apologise. Ya’ probably didn’t have much of an appetite yesterday from bein’ ill, right?” Alan nooded. “Well then, I understand. There’s nothin’ ta’ apologise for, ya’ was asleep most of tha’ day anyway. Ya’ want one now?”

 “Yeah … what other flavours did you get yesterday?”

 “Just caramel, plus wha’ ya’ already have.”

 Alan smiled. “Caramel is yummy.” _Did he just say yummy? How cute!_ “I’ll try that … one.”

 Eric grabbed him one and then sat back down. “This … one is really … yummy.” _He said it again!_ “Do you … want to try some?”

 “Is it as sickly as tha’ last one?”

 “Nope.”

 Eric tried some and pulled a face. “Liar! This one is even worse.” Alan just giggled softly.

 

\----

 They spent the day just relaxing in Alan’s room, Eric keeping track of the time for when Alan would have to take his next capsule. As the night came, Alan snuggled up to Eric on the bed. “I … I feel a bit better now.”

 “Glad ta’ hear it.”

 “Can … you bring me a banana drink … over?”

 “Am ya’ gunna’ make me try tha’ one too?”

 “Yup!”

 

\----

 The next day, Eric came into Alan’s room early in the morning to find him awake. “Ya’ look a lot better babe. Ya’ actually got some colour in ya’ cheeks.”

 “Yeah … I do feel better. I … think I’m going to go for … a shower.”

 “Want me ta’ come wi’ ya’?”

 A flicker of sadness crossed Alan’s face. “No … I’ll be fine, thanks.”

 He returned from his shower after a short while. “Feelin’ better now ya’ nice and fresh, babe?” Eric asked, smiling.

 “Yeah … thanks.”

 “Wanna’ go see Ronnie? If ya’ feelin’ well enough?”

 “Yeah … sure. I haven’t seen him since …”

 They headed to Ronald’s room, making sure to knock. “Yeah … come in!”

 They both headed in to find Ronald lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He looked over at the couple. “Hey guys. Y’ feelin’ any better, Al? Eric told me ‘bout tha’ shit wi' tha’ antibiotics.”

 “Yes … thanks.”

 “Awesome.”

 “So where’s tha’ boyfriend of yours?” Eric smirked. “Bet ya’ dyin’ for a bang.”

 “We … broke up.”

 “What?!” Eric was shocked. “I didn’t think tha’ would ever happen.”

 “Well … it did. We got inta’ an argument tha’ night we got back from tha’ hosp. He said somethin’ stupid ‘bout my sis and I snapped and punched him. I don’t want ta’ see him again.”

 “Erm … but don’t ya’ love him?” Eric questioned.

 Ronald sighed, ignoring the question. “He’s jus’ an uncaring twat. Didn’t even seem ta’ give a shit ‘bout Alan tha’ night.”

 “Oh. Ya’ know he’s jus’ closed off. He probably does care.”

 “It doesn’t matter now. I don’t want him back and he hasn’t bothered ta’ contact me so…”

 “Ah … that’s rough.”

 

\-----

***Ronald’s Pov***

_I do love him. I miss him but I’m still mad. I don’t wanna’ be with a man who doesn’t give a shit about my friends. He can’t just care about me but turn a blind eye to everyone who means something to me. I … don’t want a partner like that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If youre interested in what happened between Ronald and Claude properly, it's in my spin off series.
> 
>  
> 
> [Le' chapter. ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4610142/chapters/10524534)


	42. I'm damaged ... I'm disgusting.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Too many feels. 
> 
> Points for another awkward daddy/ son convo. Oh Eric ... you really have a nosy dad.

***That night, Eric’s Pov***

 “Eric … can you stay tonight? I … miss sleeping … next to you.” Alan asked hopefully.

 “I can’t Al.”

 “Y … you don’t … want me.” Alan stated more so than questioned.

 “Ya’ know it’s not tha’, don’t be silly. I jus’ don’t wanna’ roll on ya’ and make ya’ stitches pop.” _Or crush ya’, ya’ really did lose a lot more weight while we were split up._

 “O … okay.” A saddened look crossed his face.

 “As soon as ya’ stitches am out, I’ll be right back by ya’ side. I promise.”

 “Y … yeah.” He didn’t look convinced and Eric sighed. _He still thinks I’m going to leave him?_

 “Al, I have ta’ go.” Eric said, eyeing his phone. “My dad jus’ tried ta’ ring me.”

 Alan nodded, before lying down, turning away from Eric. _Don’t tell me I’ve managed to upset him. Great. No doubt dad’s gunna’ be pissed with me too._

 Once back in his own room, he dialled his father back. “Son, just what are you trying to accomplish by getting back with that boy? It will not end well for you.”

 “Dad-.”

 “I’m sorry that I didn’t phone you yesterday but to be honest, I was quite angered. Why did he end up in hospital, Eric? He obviously isn’t doing well.”

 “Dad-.”

 “Tell me. Is he intent on dragging you down with him?”

 “No, dad-.”

 “Why does he have stitches?”

“He tried ta’ kill himself!” _Finally, he might lemme’ talk now._

 “He what?! Son … he probably just did that to guilt trip you into getting back with him and it obviously worked.”

 “No dad. I was already back wi’ him. Ya’ ‘ave no idea wha’ has happened tha’ past week.”

 “Then do explain.”

 Eric frowned. _How am I supposed to explain all that to my dad?_ “It’s a long story.”

 “And yet yesterday you once again asked for my help. Now tell me before I come down there myself and drag that boy away from you.”

 “Dad, it’s-.”

 “Do I sound like I care? I want to know. I want to make sure you are okay.”

 “Dad … he got r …”

 “R? That isn’t an explanation, son.”

 “Raped! Okay … he got raped by some bastard in his art class.”

 “Oh.” When Matthew spoke again, his tone had softened. “I see. Did he tell you that?”

 “No … he phoned me. I think jus’ before he was attacked. I walked in and saw it.”

 “That … is a shame. So I’m guessing he cut his wrists?”

 “Yeah.” Eric’s voice began to crack, thinking about what had happened. “Ronald found him. If he hadn’t … Alan would be dead.”

 “Still, you should not be getting involved with him again. It is obviously still impacting you.”

 “He’s gettin’ help.”

 “What?” His dad sounded surprised.

 “Yeah … when we got out of tha’ hospital, I took him ta’ tha’ doctors. He’s finally tryin’ ta’ ge’ tha’ help he needs.”

 “Are you sure he will stick to his word this time?”

 “Yes! Dammit dad, wha’ do ya’ ‘ave against Al?”

 “I … I have nothing against him. I do like the boy, just not what he has put you through. If he stops causing you misery, he is welcome in our lives.”

 “Oh.”

 “What sort of help is he getting?”

 “Tha’ doctor has put him on iron tablets and drink supplements and he’s bein’ referred to a dietician and psychologist.”

 “That is good, though you do realise how long referrals take?”

 “Yeah … ages.”

 “In the meantime, see if you can get him to eat actually food. How many drinks is he meant to take a day?”

 “Erm … three of tha’ fortisips.”

 “Well they are only 300 calories each, if I remember correctly. That may help him to not lose further weight for the time being but he also needs to start eating.”

 “Yeah I know dad, I’m working on it. Once he’s back in class and his stitches are removed, I’ll bring it up.”

 “Well best of luck. I have to go now. Goodbye.”

 “Yeah .. bye dad.” _Yeah, he’s right. I know those drinks aren’t going to keep Alan going forever but … I don’t want to push him too far too soon …_

 

\----

***Matthew’s Pov***

 After Sharon asked him what was going on with her son and he explained, he looked at him in horror. “Alan was … how awful. That poor boy.”

 “Yes, I know. At least he is getting the help he needs now. I have to admit, I didn’t think as highly of him as I should have. Eric deserves my apologies, Alan too.”

 “I’m just glad there is some hope for him.” Sharon smiled. “For both of them.”

 

\-----

***The following Monday. Eric’s Pov***

 Eric had gone to Alan’s art class, to see William. Once he had explained the situation with Alan’s hospital admission, William sighed. “That … is a shame. I hope he recovers soon.”

 “Yeah … he’s jus’ worried he’s gunna’ fall behind and ge’ kicked outta’ class.”

 “I will not do that to him, do not worry. He is a smart student. He will easily catch up. Send him my regards and my well wishes.

 “I will, thanks.”

 

\----

***Ten days after Alan’s hospital admission. Alan’s Pov.***

 Alan had gone back to the hospital to have his stitches removed, the antibiotics having worked to treat his infection. Once the nurse had checked his wound and decided it had healed well, she removed the stitches and the doctor came to see how Alan was recovering.

 “Mr Humphries, how is everything going?”

 “Good … thanks, Dr Cole.”

 “Isn’t your partner here?”

 “No … I wanted to come here on my own.” _I didn’t want him to see the scars. They are so … ugly. Just like me. I don’t … want him to see them. He won’t … want me then. He … might not love me if … he sees how damaged I am. If … he sees how badly my body is … mutilated … my whole body. I will have … to wear jumpers all the time now … to cover myself … I’m so disgusting._

 “Oh I see.” The doctor took Alan’s left hand in his, pressing against the tip of each finger. “Has any feeling returned in those two fingers?”

 “N … no, not yet.” _My body is completely … ruined._

 “Well hopefully it will return soon. How have you been feeling in yourself? Have the iron tablets helped you to feel less fatigued?”

 “Yeah … they have, thank you.”

 Alan left the hospital shortly after that, getting a bus back into the high street of Edinburgh and then walking back to his dorm.

 Eric wasn’t in him room or his own, so Alan went to see if he was in Ronald’s. He knocked the door. “Yeah … come in.” Ronald’s voice sounded slurred. _Is … he drunk?_

 Alan walked in to find Ronald sprawled out on the bed; bottle of half empty Vodka in hand. “Ronnie … have you seen Eric around?”

 “Ain’t got a fuckin’ clue … where he is, sorry babe.” He said, looking over at Alan.

 “Ronnie … are you okay?”

 “Do I look like I’m … fuckin’ okay?!” He saw Alan flinch. “Sorry … I shouldn’t shout at y’. It ain’t y’ fault.”

 “What’s … wrong? Is … it Claude?”

 Ronald rolled over onto his front, spilling some of the vodka on the bed as he did so. “Ah, shit! I … wanted to drink … tha’!”

 Alan moved over to the bed slowly, scared in case Ronald lashed out drunk at him. “It … is Claude right?”

 “Yup. Tha’ fuckin’ bastard … he hurt me. He … won’t even talk ta’ me now. No … texts … no phone calls … nothin’. Bet tha’ cunt has moved right on … from me already.” Alan moved onto the bed, prying the bottle from Ronald’s hand. He didn’t try to resist. “Tha’ cunt … I love him so much and … he jus’ doesn’t care! He … probably never fuckin’ did!”

 “Have … you tried to speak to him?”

 “’Ave I fuck! He … was tha’ one ta’ upset me. He’s tha’ one tha’ needs ta' apologise! I’m not talkin’ ta’ him first … no fuckin’ way.” Ronald pressed his head into the pillow, beginning to cry.

 “I … I’m sure he is just … as upset as you.”

 “Na … he doesn’t care! He has no feelings. Tha’ dickhead! I … I need a hug.” He turned over on the bed, moving to wrap his arms around Alan’s waist. Alan flinched. _No … calm down. This is Ronnie … he won’t hurt me. He … never has. He saved … my life. Even if he’s … drunk … he’s just hurting._

 Ronald spoke again. “Come … and lie down wi’ me for a bit.” _What? He … no he won’t … do anything._

 “Okay … sure.”

 Ronald released his grip on him, sitting up and Alan lay down flat on the bed. Ronald soon lay close to him, head pressing into Alan’s jumper, hands gripping it. “He’s jus’ a cunt! I … hate him! I … I love him … though! I miss him … so much!” Alan shifted slightly to wrap his arms around the sobbing teen and stayed there for the next few hours, trying to comfort him, just as Ronald had a few weeks before.


	43. 'Yes, Okay'.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's 3am and this chap made me cry. Too many feels.

***Alan's Pov***

 Ronald had eventually calmed down, though he made no move to leave his position against Alan’s chest. In fact, once he had stopped crying, he cuddled closer to the smaller boy. _He … looks so sad. I need … to do something. I just … don’t know what._

 Eric entered the room a short while later. “Ah, that’s where ya’ run off ta’, Al.” He took a look at Ronald. “Umm .. Ronnie … ya’ alright?”

 Ronald shook his head, clinging even tighter to Alan’s shirt. “He’s … just … upset over Claude.” Alan stated quietly. “Where have you … been … anyway? You … weren’t in your room.”

 Eric’s gazed moved from Ronald to Alan. “Just inta’ town to ge’ a few things while ya’ was at tha’ hospital. I didn’t know how long you’d be gone for. Did everythin’ go alright there?”

 “Yeah … it did thanks.”

 “And then when I got back, Alisha and Grell dragged me off for a gossip session in tha' canteen. Turns out Ciel has left tha’ college. Guess Claude beat him up pretty good and scared tha’ shit outta’ him.” Alan felt his stomach churn at the mention of Ciel but his attention was drawn to Ronald, a loud sob leaving him.

 “Ronnie. Stop cryin’ and go see Claude. Get tha’ issue ironed out.” Eric advised.

 “No! I don’t wanna’ speak ta’ tha’ cunt!” There was no point trying to convince him to take action. Once Ronald had made up his mind about something, there was no changing it. Once he had sobered up somewhat, he went for a shower and Alan and Eric headed to Alan’s room.

 “I got ya’ a new phone, saying as tha’ bastard broke ya’ old one.” _Stop bringing him … up._ _I don’t want … to think about him! About … what he did. Why … does everyone … do ‘that’ to … me?_

 “Thanks … Eric. You … really didn’t have to.”

 “It’s no problem at all, babe.”

 “Can … I have Claude’s … number?”

 “Umm … why?” Eric quirked his eyebrow at the smaller boy.

 “I … have to try and help Ronnie. Can I … just try and text him?”

 “But why? It’s their mess.”

 Alan shook his head. “But … it’s my fault.”

 “How tha’ hell did ya’ come to tha’ conclusion?”

 “They argued … when they got … back from the hospital. I … probably … made things worse between … them.”

 “Don’t be stupid. Ronnie said it himself, it was over his sister.”

 _But … I still feel bad._ “Can I at least … try to talk to Claude? Please?”

 Eric sighed. “Yeah … if ya’ really wanna’ but I doubt it’ll do any good.”

 Once Alan’s new phone was charged, he text Claude. ‘Hey, it’s Alan. Ronnie’s really upset. He misses you lots and lots. Can you please talk to him’?

 A few minutes later, a reply was received. ‘Yes, okay’.

 “Wha’ did Claude say?” Eric asked.

 “I think … it worked. He said okay … to talking to Ronnie.”

 “Woah. Nice job, Al. Now come and give us a proper cuddle. Ya’ ain’t got any stitches I can pop anymore.” Eric moved onto Alan’s bed and Alan moved next to him. Cuddles turned into kisses and kisses turned deeper, Alan taking charge once more. “I could ge’ used ta’ ya’ kissin’ me like this.” Eric breathed once their kiss parted, before he rolled them over, leaning on his elbows over Alan.

 “I … I’m glad … you like it, Eric.” _I like it … too. You’re … always so gentle … with me. Unlike … everyone else._ The blonde crashed their lips together again and Alan’s hips pressed up against Eric’s, a small moan slipping from him. Eric pulled away, moving down to kiss along Alan’s exposed collar bone. “Hmm ….”

 “Ya’ like tha’?” Alan nodded and he lowered himself further, hand pushing Alan’s jumper up.

 “Eric … No!” Alan tensed up under him, making the blonde frown at him.

 “Al, I wasn’t gunna’ do anythin’ – I wouldn’t after ya’ freaked out on me last time. I jus’ wanted ta’ kiss ya’ belly.”

 “No … I don’t … want you … to.”

 “Because … of what Ciel did? I’m not like th-.”

 “N … no. I know you’re not.” Alan’s eyes began to brim with tears.

 “Because I hit ya’ before?”

 “No … I deserved that. I got you … mad.”

 “Alan. No matter how upset I was, I should ‘ave never raised my hand ta’ ya’.”

 “O … okay. It’s okay … really.”

 “So wha' is it? Why don’t ya’ want me to- ‘ave ya’ been cuttin’ again?”

 “No! No … I haven’t.” _Please don’t … think that. Do … you  not realise how much I want to? I really want to … hurt myself … for being so ugly but … I can’t … make you mad again._

 “Then whats tha’ problem here?”

 Alan looked away. “It … doesn’t matter.”

 “Tell me or I’ll jus’ think you’ve hurt ya’self again.”

 “It … it’s m … my scars.”

 “Wha’ ‘bout them?”

 "It does-."

 "Alan, tell me."

 “They … are … so ugly.” He began to cry and Eric rolled to the side of him, pulling him against his chest.

 “Nothin’ ‘bout ya’ is ugly, Al. Ya’ beautiful. Ya’ jus’ ‘ave a few battle scars that’s all, jus’ proof of how strong ya’ are, of how much you’ve been through.”

 “Don’t … lie to me. I … am ugly. I’m so ugly. How … could you ever love someone … so hideous?”

 “Alan, ya’ are not hi-.”

 “Yes I am! I … I’m vulgar. I … I’m so ugly. I … don’t deserve you. You … can't possibly want me … because I … I’m just damaged goods!”

 His cries lasted for hours, even after his eyes ran dry. Even after Eric told him over and over again just how beautiful he was. _I’ll never be beautiful. I’ll … never be good enough for … you._


	44. Engagement.

 ***Eric’s Pov***

 Alan hadn’t calmed down for the rest of that day, even with all the cuddles and kisses Eric gave to try and comfort him. ‘I’m ugly’. ‘I’m so ugly’. Those words seemed to be on repeat, Alan not listening to Eric when he tried to make him believe that he was in fact beautiful. _But why Al? Why can’t ya’ see ya’ beauty? Because ya’ are. Ya’ so beautiful._

 Alan only seemed to cheer up somewhat when Eric stuck to his promise of staying in his room for the night. That’s when the nightmares caught Eric’s attention again. Alan had woken up around 6am, screaming and waking Eric up too. “I didn’t think ya’ was still gettin’ nightmares? Ya’ never had any when I stayed and watched ya’ sleep for a bit.”

 Alan looked away. “No … I’d get them once … you’d left. Like … around this time of the morning. I’d wake up … when you had already … gone.”

 “I’m sorry babe, I didn’t realise. Are they ‘bout ya’ dad still?”

 Alan’s reply was but a whisper. “No … Ciel. About … if you … never came. He … would have just … carried on-.” His voice trailed off.

 Eric pulled him closer in bed. “But I did come. Ya’ did tha’ right thing in callin’ me. He’s outta’ both of our lives now. Ya’ safe. Me, Ronnie and Claude will always protect ya’.”

 “Thank you.” A small smile flickered across Alan’s lips.

 “Let’s try and ge’ back ta’ sleep. It’s way too early ta’ be up on a Saturday.”

 “Very … true.”

 

\-----

 Later that day.

_I should probably bring it up now. He’s going back to class Monday. I don’t … want to upset him though. No … dad’s right … he needs to start eating again._

 “Al?”

 Alan looked up from the picture he was drawing. “Yes?”

 “Ya’ doin’ really well wi’ ya’ fortisips and I’m proud of ya’ but ya’ need ta’ start eatin’ actual food again. Ya’ gunna’ need ya’ strength for classes.”

 “I know … I just … still don’t have … much of an appetite. I … do want to though.” _Woah. I didn’t upset him? Score!_

 “Well we jus’ gotta’ find ya’ some food tha' seems appealing. Wha’ do ya’ fancy? Outta’ all tha' food around?”

 “Hmm … chocolate cake.”

 “Cake?”

 “Yeah … I do have a … sweet tooth actually.”

 “ I didn’t think ya’ liked unhealthy things.”

 “You just … assumed that. I do. I … used to love junk … food when I was younger.”

 Eric smiled at him. “Alright then … what’s ya’ favorite food?”

 “Probably … pizza or … kebab meat and chips. What … about you?”

 “Ya’ already know tha’. My mom’s Mac and cheese. Anythin’ wi’ pasta is awesome though. I gotta’ pop up tha’ shop later, want me ta’ ge’ ya’ some chocolate cake?”

 “Yeah, okay … just make sure it doesn’t contain nuts or … soya lecithins … please.”

 “Chocolate cake has soy in it?”

 “Some do, yes.”

 At that moment, Ronald barged into the room, a wide grin on his face.

 “Well, ya’ look happy.” Eric noted.

 “Yup! I feel brill!”

 “So I’m guessin’ ya’ back wi’ Claude?”

 “Yeah and he wants me ta’ move in wi’ him!”

 “That’s … great Ronnie.” Alan smiled softly.

 “And guess wha’ else!”

 Eric quirked an eyebrow at him. “Wha’?”

 “We’re gettin’ married!” He raised his hand, flashing the ring on his finger.”

 Eric was shocked. “Dontcha’ think it’s a bit soon for tha’ though?”

 “Na. Claude said tha’ as soon as I agreed ta’ move in wi’ him, he knew I’d say yes! He proposed not long ago! I’m so happy.”

 “Yeah … I’m happy for ya’ too, Ronnie.” _I just hope Sebastian doesn’t hear about this. He’ll be heartbroken … even more so than he already is._

 “I think it’s time ta’ celebrate. I’m orderin’ pizza!”

 Eric smirked. “I want some too, ya’ know. Al, do ya’ want some too?” _He likes pizza … so maybe._

 Alan looked over at him. “Okay … sure. Just one slice … though.”

 “Awesome.” _It’s all progress. I really am proud of him._

 “So wha’ pizza do y’ want, kid?” Ronald asked.

 “I don’t … mind. Anything … as long as it’s not got … pineapple on it. I’m … allergic.”

 “Alright.” Ronald beamed. “Spicy chicken good for y’ two?”

 Alan nodded and Eric spoke. “Sure.”

 

\----

 Ronald ordered the pizza and then went to pick it up half an hour later. He came back with a bag full of alcohol and junk food, as well as the pizza box. “Man … I love this fake ID. It’s a life saver.”

 “How much booze did ya’ ge’?”

 “Hey, I did say it was a celebration! Hmm … WKD is amaze balls.”

 “Wait … did ya’ get nachos too, as well as tha’ pizza?”

 “Cel – e – bra – tion.” Roanld stated. “Want some booze, kid?”

 “No … thank … you. I don’t … d …drink.”

 “Fair enough. Eric?”

 “Ya’ got any beer?”

 “Carlsberg alright for ya’?”

 “It’ll do.”

 They all tucked into their pizza, Alan only managing one slice. Eric looked at him. “Ya’ enjoyin’ tha’, Al?”

 “Yeah … it’s nice. Stuffed .. crust pizza is yummy.” _Yummy again? So cute!_

 Eric turned to Ronald, who had his hand stuffed into a bag of Doritos. “Jesus, how much ya’ gunna’ eat? Wait … ‘ave ya’ been smokin’ pot again?”

 “Yep. Claude thought it was a good way ta’ celebrate. He was right!”

 “Ya’ gunna’ burst at this rate.”

 “Hell no! I’m a growin’ boy, man. Plus … I need tha’ energy for footie.”

 “If ya’ say so.”

 

\----

***Alan’s Pov***

 Eric turned to Alan, who was looking upset. “Ya’ alright, babe?”

 “My stomach hurts. Really … bad.”

 Eric pulled him into a hug. “It’s jus’ ‘cause ya’ not used ta’ food yet.”

 “True.” _No. it’s because … I shouldn’t have eaten it … in the first place. I’m not … good enough for food. Even … my body is telling me so. I … want to be sick … so badly._

 

_\----_

 That night Alan stayed awake long after Eric had fallen asleep.

 ‘Vulgar.’

 ‘Failure.’

 ‘You’re disgusting. A disgrace. You don’t deserve to live.’

 Alan curled into himself under the covers, a few tears trickling from his eyes. _Why … are the voices back? They … haven’t been … around since … I left high school. Why … now? How … am I supposed to … get better … with them constantly shouting at me?_

 ‘You don’t deserve him!’

 ‘Ugly fuck.’

 ‘You should just die. Go slit your wrists again, you fuck up!’

_Go away. Go away! Leave … me alone! Please … just shut up!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who doesn't know what happened with Ronald and Claude, it's in my spin off series.
> 
> [Chapter about Ronald and Claude](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4610142/chapters/10538442)


	45. Slut.

***Eric’s Pov***

 Eric woke up the next morning to find Alan cuddled tightly into his chest. “Mornin' babe.”

 “Good … morning Eric.”

 “So I ‘ave a question.”

 Alan looked up at him, lip drawing nervously into his mouth. “What … is it?”

 “If ya’ allergic to tomatoes, how can ya’ eat pizza? Ain’t it got tomato puree’ in it?”

 “I … really have no idea.”

 Eric moved Alan off of him gently and sat up. “I still need ta’ go ta' tha’ corner shop. Still want tha’ cake?”

 “No … I don’t.”

 _That’s not good …._ “Do ya’ want anythin’ else from there?”

 “No!”

 “Okay … bloody hell. No need ta’ shout at me. I’m jus’ tryin’ ta’ help ya’.”

 “I don’t want your fucking help!”

 _Did … he just swear at me?_ “Al, wha’ tha’ fuck? What’s tha’ matter?”

 “Just fuck off!”

 “Al-.”

 “Fuck off!”

 Eric gritted his teeth. “Wha tha’ hell has gotten inta’ ya’? ‘’Ave ya’ forgot tha’ I jus’ care ‘bout ya’?”

 “Just … fuck off! Get the fuck out of my face!”

 “Fine!”

 Eric stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him and heading to his own room. _What the hell is wrong with him? What’s he upset about? Why the sudden mood change? Why is he fucking taking it out on me?_

 

\-----

***Alan’s Pov***

 On hearing the door slam, Alan curled up into himself in the bed.

 ‘Aww … that wasn’t nice, Alan. See, you don’t deserve him.’

_Leave me alone! I only shouted at him … because you wouldn’t shut up!_

 ‘Such a filthy mouth you have. Just like when you had your mouth around all those-‘

_Shut up!_

 ‘You’re just a slut.’

 _No … no. Not you again … dad no … go away._ Alan felt someone touch up his leg and he flinched. _Dad … don’t touch me!_

 ‘But you used to love it so much before.’

 

\-----

***Eric’s Pov***

 Eric had spent the rest of his day in Ronald’s room, trying not to show his anger. The next day, he headed to class. As he left the class, Adrian followed him out. “I have some amusing news. It really is quite funny.” The silver haired teenager said.

 “Wha’ news would tha’ be?”

 “Me and Sebby are seeing each other. I was quite shocked when he accepted my advances.”

 “Oh, awesome.” _Maybe Sebastian will finally be happy now._

 

\-----

***Alan’s Pov***

 Yesterday had been rough, the voices never leaving him. He kept feeling hands on him and it was making his stomach churn in fear and disgust. He headed to class and as soon as Grell saw him, she raced up to him and pulled him into a tight hug. “It’s so good to see you again, darling.”

 Alan didn’t flinch. Grell had always been kind to him. Like a motherly figure. A hyperactive, crazy mother. Class went well, as he realised that he wasn’t as far behind with work as he thought he was. After lesson, he headed to Eric’s room. Just as he was about to push the key into Eric’s lock, he heard another voice.

 ‘He doesn’t want to see a vile creature like you. He hates you for shouting at him.’ Alan moved away from the door and headed to his own room, grabbing a bottle of fortisip. _I really should … have one of these._

 ‘Don’t even think about it! Sluts like you don’t get to have nourishment.’ Alan dropped the fortisip back on his desk and went to lie down in bed. _I wish … they would just leave me alone._

 ‘We will never leave you alone now. You’re all ours’. He felt a hand on him again, fingers tracing his neck. _Go away!_ The hand moved, sliding up his jumper, fingers brushing over his scars. _Please just … stop._ The touch moved downwards and he whimpered. _No … don’t touch me … there._

 ‘Whore!’

 

\-----

***Eric’s Pov***

 As the evening came into view, Eric decided to go and see Alan. _I just hope he’s calmed down. I have no idea what that outburst was all about. Did he really not want to eat that badly?_

 He unlocked Alan’s door and took a step inside. _Alan!? What the hell?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that chapter turned dark quickly. This wasn't in the original idea but oh well, I like it.


	46. Don't f**king touch me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hmm ... this series is gunna' be hella' long. Like 70 chapters I'm predicting. So sorry. Everyone is probably bored out of their brains with it but I don't care ... I love writing this story.

***Eric’s Pov***

 Alan was huddled against the wall in the corner of his dorm room. He was shaking visibly, whole body trembling. “Al … what’s wrong?” Eric took a few strides closer to the teenager and noticed a dark patch on the floor to his side. _He’s been sick? He couldn’t have made himself though … not in his bedroom._ Moving closer, he knelt down in front of Alan. “Al?” He reached out a hand to touch the boy’s shoulder and he flinched.

 “Don’t touch me!”

 “Al? It’s just me.”

 Alan raised his head to look at the blonde. “E … Eric?”

 “Yeah … it’s me.” Eric noticed a dried brown spot in the corner of his mouth and also that his nose was running. He licked his thumb, lifting it to rub the dried sick from Alan’s lips. “What’s goin’ on? Why are ya’ on tha’ floor?”

 “I … I’m so sorry! I didn’t … mean to!” _Huh?_

 “Didn’t mean ta’ wha’?”

 “No … no! Stay away from me!”

 “Alan, wha’? Ya’ makin’ no sense, babe. What are ya’ sorry for?”

 “I … I made you angry. You’ll want to … shout at me again.”

 “Why would I?”

 “I … messed up … again. I … hurt myself … again. I’m so sorry.”

 Eric’s eyes scanned over the other, looking for any dried patches of blood. _I don’t see any blood … did he actually make himself sick?_ “Where?”

 “My … legs. I … it’s going to … make you angry.”

 Eric sighed. “I’m not angry. Not at all.”

 “You … you’re not?”

 Eric shifted to sit next to Alan, back against the wall. “Ya’ told me this time, instead of tryin’ ta’ hide it. I’m so proud of ya’ for tha’.

 “R … really?”

 “Yes. As long as ya’ don’t lie ta’ me, I won’t be angry. Recovery is hard, I’m not naïve enough to think otherwise, so ya’ bound ta’ ‘ave a few slip ups along tha’ way. It’s a part of gettin’ better. I jus’ want ya’ ta’ know tha’ I’ll be here for ya’, no matter wha’.”

 “Thank … you, Eric.”

 “Ya’ didn’t make ya’self sick too though, right?”

 “No … I didn’t mean to throw up. It … just happened.”

 Eric tried to pull Alan into a sideways hug but he pulled away sharply. “Don’t fucking touch me!”

 “Al, wha’ tha’ hell has gotten inta’ ya’? Ya’ should know by now tha’ I wouldn’t touch ya’ in a bad way.”

 “But … their hands are all over me.”

 _Who’s? What the fuck is he on about? He’s not making any sense._ “Wha’ hands?”

 “Them … the voices … they won’t leave me alone … since the night with … the pizza.”

 “Voices?!” _Seriously?_

 “Yeah ... they are … so mean.”

 “Ya’ never mentioned hearin’ voices before though?”

 “Because … I haven’t since high school. They … came back.”

 “Wha’ ave they been sayin’ ta’ ya’?” _Just when one thing starts getting better, a new problem comes about._

 “That- no, I don’t … want to talk … about it.”

 “Is it bad wha’ they are sayin’? Are they callin’ ya’ names?”

 “Yeah … I want them to stop … but they won’t.”

 “Do ya’ wanna’ talk ta’ tha’ doctor ‘bout it?”

 “No!” He lowered his voice again. “I … don’t … want to talk about it …at least not yet. … It’ll seem too real then.”

 “I think ya’ should but it’s your choice. Ya’ need ta’ tell the psychologist about it though, when ya’ finally see them.”

 “O … okay.” Alan scooted closer then, resting his head again the other’s shoulder.

 “Al?”

 “Y … yeah?”

 “Are ya’ cuts bad?”

 Alan nodded against his shoulder. “I … didn’t mean … to cut so deep again. I … didn’t mean to do it in the first place.”

 “Can … I see? So … I can sort them out for ya’.”

 “Eric I – no. I don’t want you … to see them. They … look awful.”

 “Please Al. I told ya’ before, I don’t think ya’ ugly jus’ because of tha’ lines markin’ ya’ skin.”

 “I … okay. Just … this once.”

 Eric moved to scoop the small teenager up in his arms and carried him over to the bed. Alan lay back against the covers and Eric’s hand went to the waist band of his jeans. _No wonder I didn’t notice any blood … with him having black jeans on._ “Eric, No!”

 “Al, I’m not gunna’ do anythin’ ta’ ya’. I jus’ wanna see how bad tha’ damage it.”

 “O … okay.” Eric unbuttoned the clothing and then eased them down, Alan lifting his hips to allow the material to be pulled from his legs. Eric sighed once the trousers were off.

 “Al, these really are bad. I think ya’ might need stiches again.”

 “No … they will be fine. I … have some steri strips under my bed. They … will work. They … have before.”

 Eric took a closer look at the long gashes, mingled in between dried patches of blood. “But they are open. Ya’ sure tha’ strips will be able ta’ close them?”

 “I’m sure … they have before.”

 “Okay.” He leant down to look under Alan’s bed and saw a box. He pulled it out and opened it, to see a collection of blades. “I’m throwin’ these away. So it won’t be so tempting ta’ do it again.” _I should have asked him for these before, so I could throw them away. This might not have happened then._

 “Yeah … okay.”

 Eric reached back under the bed, to grab the pack of steri strips. “Let’s ge’ ya’ to tha’ bathroom so I can clean them.”

 Once Eric had checked no one was in the hallway, he picked Alan up again and carried him to the bathroom. He sat him down on the edge of the bath. “Stick ya’ feet in tha’ bath.” Alan complied and Eric picked up the shower attachment of the bath. He turned the water on, checking with his hand to make sure it wasn’t too hot, before he washed the blood off careful, both the fresh bleeds and the caked on blood. He grabbed the towel, patting Alan’s skin dry gently.

 “I … I’ll do the rest. With … the steri strips.”

 “Ya’ sure?”

 “Yeah … I’ve had … a lot of … practice with it.” _Yeah … I bet ya’ have._ Eric watched as Alan patched himself up quickly. _Yeah. Obviously a lot of practice._

 Taking Alan back to the dorm room, he helped him into a clean pair of pj bottoms. “They … still won’t go … away.” Alan whispered.

 “The voices?”

 “Yes … and I can … feel them. Their … hands are all over me.”

 “Ya’ really need ta’ speak ta’ tha’ doctor.”

 “No! I … I don’t want to. Just … stay with me, … don’t leave … me alone with them.”

 “I won’t, I promise.”

 They lay down in bed together, Eric pulling the small teenager into his arms. _If … they don’t go away, I don’t care what you say … I’m taking ya’ to the doctors._


	47. Fake improvements.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who is still reading this and thanks for all the kudos. I feel so honoured.

***Eric’s Pov***

 Eric had spent the rest of the day in Alan’s room, doing his best to comfort the obviously terrified teenager. He tried to coax him into telling him what the voices were saying but Alan wouldn’t answer. _Don’t start hiding things from me again. Please Al, don’t start worrying me to death once again._

 

_\----_

***Alan’s Pov***

 Alan had stayed awake all night again, the voices dragging him from sleep long after his partner had fallen into slumber. _I … can’t let Eric know about what the voices say. He … will hate me if he knows … why … they are saying it. I … I’ll just pretend not to hear them … the best I can. I … can hide it … I have before. I hid it … until - I can’t let … him take me … to the doctors … about it. If … he does … he will find out … about ‘it’. I thought … it had gotten better. I thought … I had gotten rid of it. I … can’t let the voices … change me for the worst … again._

 Morning came and Eric woke up. He turned to kiss Alan deeply, pulling him close. “Ya’ feelin’ any better babe?” He asked, as their kiss parted.

 “Yeah … thanks.” _No … I feel worse. They are getting stronger. They keep … touching me. I wish … they would stop._

 “’ave … tha’ voices gone?”

 “Yeah.” _I … I’ll just pretend that they have. I … can do that. I’ll just try to ignore whatever they … say. I … won’t follow their orders. Even … if they scream at me._ “Eric … can … you get me … that cake later?”

 Eric smiled “Of course, babe.”

 ‘No, don’t you dare! You don’t deserve food, you little slut!’

 

\----

 The weeks passed and it was now the beginning of December. Alan had managed to hide the voices from Eric, though as soon as he was out of Eric’s sight, he would let them consume him. They were always there, as were the touches that he felt and he couldn’t ignore them but he could pretend that he was fine. He could put on an act and try to get better. He had started eating more and had gained some weight, much to the voices dismay. He’d also avoided hurting himself again, though it was a struggle with the constant use of xacto knives for his artwork.

 

\----

***Eric’s Pov***

_I really am so proud of him. He looks so much better now he’s gained a little weight. We are slowly getting him to where he needs to be. He’s finally looking happier._

 “So, it’s ya’ birthday next week, babe. Wha’ do ya’ wanna do ta’ celebrate?”

 “Nothing.”

 “But it’s your eighteenth, ya’ gotta’ enjoy tha’ landmark. Why don’t we go out wi’ Ronnie and Claude?”

 “Where?”

 “Erm … wha’ ‘bout goin’ clubbing or somethin’?”

 “Umm … if you want to.”

 “It’s up ta’ ya’ where ya’ wanna’ go.”

 “I … don’t mind … going to a club.”

 Eric smiled at the small teenager. “I ‘ave a good idea. Why don’t we all dress up for it. Like cosplay or somethin’?”

 “But … I don’t have … the money for a costume.”

 “Don’t worry about tha’, we’ll sort somethin’ out.” _I’ll buy ya’ the best outfit I can find._ He moved onto the bed next to Alan, pressing his lips against the other’s. He opened his mouth, letting Alan slide his tongue against his own.

 

\-----

***Alan’s Pov***

_I … love it when he kisses me like this._

 ‘You would, you little tart.’ _Be quiet … I don’t care what … you say. I … love him … I want him._ Alan moved to lie down on the bed, pulling Eric by the shirt on top of him. _I … want him … so much. I’m not scared … of him … I don’t think._ Their lips crashed together again, Alan’s hand moving under the back of Eric’s shirt. Grinding his hips up against the other’s, a small moan slipped from him.

 ‘Look at you, moaning like a little slut.’ _I’m not a slut! I … love him and … I think he loves me. I can … do what I want with him! You … do these things with … the person you love._ ‘Then what about all those men you slept with? That wasn’t love! You just like whoring yourself out!’ _Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I’ll show you!_

 Alan pulled away from the kiss. “Eric … will you … kiss me?”

 Eric eyed him. “I already was?”

 Alan turned his head, hand slipping from under Eric’s shirt. He pointed to his neck. “No … I mean here.”

 “But Al, ya’ don’t like bein’ touched there. It reminds ya’ of-.”

 “I know … but I want you … to. You’re … different to everyone … else. I … trust you … enough now to … let you.”

 “Well alright but tell me if ya’ want me ta’ stop, if ya’ ge’ uncomfortable.”

 “Okay.”

 A soft smile spread across Eric’s lips. “I love ya’, Al.”

 “I … love you too.” Eric’s lips trailed from Alan’s cheek, down to his jaw and then his neck. Another small moan left Alan, his cheeks flushing slightly.

 “Feel nice babe?” Eric asked, between pecks.

 “Really … nice. It’s … so nice when … it’s you.” Eric’s kisses turned to light sucks.

 ‘Whenever I kissed your neck, you hated it. It’s not nice to pick favourites, Alan.’ _Dad … go away. This has nothing to … do with you._ ‘It has everything to do with me. You’re my property, after all.’ _No! You’re wrong!_

 “Hmm … Eric.”

 “Sensitive spot again, huh?”

 “Yeah … very.” Eric sucked on the patch of skin harder and Alan felt himself becoming aroused. His hips bucked up sharply, as Eric began to nibble on the area. “Touch … me.”

 “Wha’?!” Eric pulled away to look him in the eyes.

 “Down … there. Please.”

 Eric sighed. “No, Al. You’ll jus’ freak out again.”

 “But I want … you to.” ‘Slut!’

 “No. You’re not ready. Not after wha’ Ciel did and not after last time. You’ll get upset. I’m not doin’ it.” Eric moved off of him, pulling him into a hug instead.

 “Okay … I understand.” ‘See, he doesn’t want to touch such filth.’ _You’re right … he doesn’t want me … because I’m disgusting. Because … I’m ugly. Because … of my scars. Because … I’m just damaged goods._


	48. Stop it!

***A few days later Eric’s Pov***

 Eric walked up to Alan’s room and entered, with a large package in his hand. “Babe, ya’ costumes jus’ been delivered.”

 “What … costume?”

 “Ya’ know, for when we go clubbin’.” He handed Alan the parcel. “Go on and open it then.”

 “You … brought me a costume?”

 “Of course. Ya’ wanted ta’ dress up, right?”

 “Yes … but you always … buy me things.”

 “Yeah, ‘cause I love ya’. Now open it.” Eric said, smiling.

 Alan opened the parcel and his eyes lit up when he saw a Death Note Ryuk cosplay outfit. “That … is amazing. Thank … you, Eric.”

 “Ya’ welcome, babe.” _You’re going to look so hot in leather._

 

\---

***Alan’s birthday. Alan Pov***

 The four males entered a small club in the centre of Edinburgh. Alan had his outfit on, which was tight to his body, Eric having brought the smallest size possible. He had also used black hairspray. Eric had dressed as Naruto, that being the only anime he had ever seen. Ronald had gone as the joker, as his hair was still green and no one was quite sure what exactly Claude was. He’d got a black suit on, accompanied with a bunny tail and ears.

 They took their seats at the back of the club, as Ronald went to get drinks. He returned with a tray full of vodka shots. “Let’s ge' this party started.” He beamed. “Come on kid, drink up.”

 _But … whenever I … drink-._ “No … thanks.”

 “Aww, common. It’s y’ eighteenth.”

 “Well … okay.” _The voices might go away for a bit … if I get drunk enough._

 

\----

***Eric’s Pov***

 The night dragged on, Alan and Ronald getting quite drunk. They had both gone off somewhere and Eric went to find them. He found them in the corner of the club, lips pressed against each other’s. _Wow. That’s kinda’ hot._ That’s when he saw Alan’s hand slipping into Ronald’s pants and decided to intervene. _I don’t want him doing anything he might regret when he sobers up._

 He walked up to them, pulling Alan away. “Come on babe, it’s time ta’ go home.”

 “Aww … but I was having so much fun.” Alan giggled.

 “Well were goin’ home. I’m gettin’ a taxi.”

 “Let me go!”

 “No.”

 “Let me fucking go!” _Great … he’s swearing at me again._ Eric dragged him out of the bar and hailed a taxi in the street outside. “I don’t want to go … fucking home!” _Please don’t make a scene in the taxi._

 The taxi journey was filled with Alan shouting at him. He then left Alan in his dorm room, before heading to his own. He stripped down to just his boxers and fell asleep quickly. He woke back up an hour later, to the feel of someone straddling his chest. He’d left the lamp on in his room and could see Alan sitting on top of him.

 Alan leaned forward, kissing his neck. “Al, wha’ are ya’ doin’?” The brunette scooted backwards, to sit on his legs, lips trailing down his bare chest.

 “I want … you.” Alan stated.

 “Stop it, ya’ still drunk.”

 His lips trailed lower, a muffled “Oh well” slipping from his mouth.

 “No! Stop it! Ya’ gunna’ regret this in tha’ morning.” Eric felt his anger beginning to rise. _What the hell is up with him?_

 “I don’t want to stop.” His hand moved to rub Eric through his underwear.

 “Fuckin’ stop it! Stop actin’ like a freak!” Eric rolled over sharply, Alan falling to the edge of the bed. He moved back up to Eric, lips crashing against his. Eric grunted and pushed him away, making Alan crash to the floor. “Jus’ ge’ off me!”

 Alan looked up at him, tears brimming in his eyes. “You … don’t want me?”

 “Jus’ go back ta’ ya’ room. I ain’t in tha’ mood ta’ deal wi’ ya’ shit tonight.” Alan began to shake and sob. “Stop cryin’ and go.” His sobs grew louder. “Stop cryin’ and go ta’ bed!” Eric turned over in bed, shutting his eyes to try to block out Alan’s cries. Alan stayed there for the rest of the night.


	49. Jacob.

**Alan's past.**

 A small brown hair teenager snuggled up to an older man in a bed, in a dimly lit room of a dingy house. “You know I love you, right?” Jacob asked. Alan nodded. You love me too, don’t you?”

 “I … do.”

 “That’s why you have to keep doing what you’re doing, to make me the money I need to keep you here. So I can carry on loving you.”

 “I … know.”

 Jacob’s hand slipped down the naked boy’s back. He reached between the boy’s cheeks, pushing a dry finger inside of him. The boy whimpered. “Sore?”

 The boy nodded. “That’s a shame. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m horny though. You’ll just have to deal with it. Wouldn’t want to make me sad, would you?”

 “No … but-.”

 “No buts. Get on your knees.”

\----

 “One of your customers will be here shortly.” Jacob stated, raising a bottle of Vodka to Alan’s mouth. “Drink up. You know you enjoy it more when you’re drunk. Plus, this man is one of the people who doesn’t enjoy your screams of pain. He doesn’t like fuckin’ you when you’re crying.”

 “But-.”

 “Just do it! Don’t make me force it down your throat again!”

 Alan felt tears prick at his eyes, as he took the Vodka from Jacob. He took a big gulp and then another.

\-----

 The boy felt the room spin around him, as he was knocked to the floor. His back hit the ground, a man pulling his legs open and nestling between them. The room span more, as he felt the man’s hands grip his hips. Then everything went black.

 

\--------

***Present Alan’s Pov***

 Alan had finally stopped crying in the early hours of the morning. He lifted up shakily onto his knees and looked at the digital clock on Eric’s desk. 6am. His gaze shifted to Eric. _Why? Why … did I do that last night? I was … so confused. I thought I was … back there, with Jacob. I thought … I was just … doing what I was … supposed to again. I wanted … to make Jacob happy. I wanted … him to not be angry. But … he was always angry. I made him mad … just like I’ve made Eric._ He began to sob again.

_He was so upset … because he didn’t want me. I’m so ugly and disgusting. I’m just a whore … like the voices say I am._

 

\------

***Eric’s Pov***

 Eric woke up around 8am and turned over to look at Alan, who was a shaking, curled up ball on the floor. “Al, why are ya’ still cryin?” No reply. “Did ya’ even get any sleep?”

 He moved from under the covers and stood up. “Al, come on. Stop cryin’. I’m sorry I got mad at ya’ last night.” He knelt down next to Alan, reaching a hand out to rub his back.

 “Jacob?”

 _Who?!_ “Al, who tha’ hell is Jacob?”

 Alan looked up at him and then moved to wrap his arms around his waist. “Eric … it’s you. You’re really … here.”

 “Yeah. Who’s Jacob?”

 “I’m so … sorry about last night.”

 Eric shook his head. “We’ll talk ‘bout tha’ later but right now, jus’ tell me who Jacob is.”

 “I … was so confused. I … the alcohol. I thought … I was back there. At his … house.”

 _His house? Was Jacob-._ “Was Jacob the one who took ya’ in after ya’ got kicked outta’ ya’s nan’s house?” Alan nodded. “He made ya’ drink?” Alan nodded again. “Why?”

 “No … I can’t tell you tha-.”

 “Alan please. Ya’ know I love ya’, no matter wha’ has happened in tha’ past.”

 “Because … the men I … slept with. That he made … me sleep with. Some of them … didn’t like me … screaming when they- so he would make me drink. Because I had to … make him money. I had to … please those … men.”

 Eric felt his anger rise. “He made ya’ sleep wi’ men for money?!”

 “I … wasn’t worth much. £10 … at most. They … said my scars weren’t attractive. I … I used to hurt … myself back then too. Ever since … my dad-.” His words were cut off by loud sobs. Eric waited, until he finally continued. “He … was a drug addict … so he needed money. Sometimes … he wouldn’t make me … drink.”

 “So ya' had ta' do tha’ shit sober?”

 “Sometimes. If … they liked me to scream … when they- it hurt … so much. If not … he would … drug me … sometimes.”

 “What drugs, Al?” Eric gritted his teeth. _Those bastards._

 “I think it was … like a date … rape … drug. I don’t know … it … made my body … I couldn’t move. I could … feel it. It hurt … but … I couldn’t move. I could see and feel ... what they were doing to me… but I couldn’t-.”

 Eric just knelt there, unable to believe what he had just heard. _How could they have been so cruel? No wonder he used to be so terrified._

 Alan spoke again. “I … thought I was … back there last night. I was so … drunk … I got so confused. I thought … I had to do ‘that’.”

 “It’s okay. You haven’t … got ta’ do anythin’ ya’ don’t want ta’.”

 “But I … think I do want you … in that way. You’re the only person … I would ever want to do things with.”

 “And we will. But not until ya’ ready. Properly ready. I love ya’, Al.”

 “He … used to say that too.”

 Eric frowned. “Tha’ he loved ya’?” Alan nodded. “Well he didn’t. No one who does shit like tha’ ta’ ya’ could ever love ya’. Did … did ya’ love him, Al?”

 “I … don’t know. Maybe. I … just did what he said … so he wouldn’t get angry. But … he did get angry.”

 “Is tha’ when he put ya’ in tha’ hospital?”

 “Yeah … after six weeks of … being there, he did. He beat me badly and … then … he just … dumped me somewhere. Like … I was nothing. I … am nothing. I … I’m just a whore.”

 “No, Al. Ya’ not at all.”

 “But-.”

 “No matter wha’ those bastards did ta’ ya’ , ya’ not a whore.”

 “But … you don’t want me.”

 “I do. Of course I do. I’ll always want ya’. I’ll always love ya, Al. I’ll never leave ya’. I promise.”

 “R … really?”

 “Really. I’ve told ya’ before, as long as ya’ don’t start lying ta’ me again, I’ll never leave ya’ side.”

 

\--------

***Alan’s Pov***

_But … how can you still love me when you … know what I’ve done? But I am lying again about the … voices. And if … they don’t stop, they … will change me for the worst again. No, I can … hide it. I have … so far. I have to hide ... it.  I … am getting better. I’m eating more … even if it disgusts me. I’m not … cutting … even if I want to every day. If … only the voices would … just go away … it’d be okay._

_Jacob made me … even more scared of people … as well as scared of hurting people. His … drug habit only got … worse when I came. I … cause pain to everyone I touch. And I … asked you to touch me though. I … want you … So much. I … I’m so selfish._


	50. This cocktail of drugs works so well.

***Alan’s past***

 “I love it when you drug him up, Jacob. He’s just like a little doll.” A man said, between moans of pleasure. The boy lay limp on his back on the floor, arms spread above his head. Bruises lined all up his body.

 Pain was shooting through him, as he stared up at the ceiling, unable to move. Unable to scream. And scream he would, if he was able to. He’d be digging his nails into his palms if he could, a failed attempt to distract from the pain within him. “Such a pretty little dolly.”

 “Yes. It’s quite a good mix of drugs. I’m glad joseph told me about it. He’s such a good boy when I use them.” Alan heard Jacob say. He sounded high but that’s how he was most of the time.

 The boy felt the man soften within him and pull out. The man moved to stroke his fingers against the boy’s cheek and across his lips. Alan felt disgust churn in his stomach, both for the man and for himself. “He’s such a pretty one. It’s just a shame he’s so marked.”

 “Yes.” Jacob stated. “Those scars of his have caused me some trouble. He’s not worth as much because of them.” The man moved, flipping the boy onto his front. “If you want another go, It’ll be another fiver. I don’t let him get fucked for free.”

 “You will get your money, don’t worry about that.”

\----

 After being used again, this time while being drunk, another, older man left the house. Jacob pulled Alan up onto his feet. He pushed him against a wall, moving his legs around his waist. He entered him quickly, picking up speed. The force of him banged Alan forward and back against the wall. He moaned, as he felt a thrust hit his spot, his head falling back against the wall.

 “Hmm, moaning like a little slut. I love it when you’re like this.” Jacob said, lips trailing the boy’s neck.

 “I … love you.” The drunken boy slurred.

 “Yes, I love you too when you do a good day’s work. You did well today. So many paying customers.”

 

\------

***Present. Eric’s Pov***

 “Come on Al, let’s ge’ some more sleep. We don’t ‘ave classes until tha’ afternoon today.”

 “Okay.”

 “Plus, ya’ need ta’ get outta’ tha’ outfit before it cuts ya’ circulation off, if ya’ know wha’ I mean.”

 Alan giggled softly. “I … do.”

 Eric scooped Alan into his arms and took him to his dorm room, so he could get changed. “Eric … can you … turn around. I don’t … want you to see them.”

 _He means his scars._ “Sure.” Eric turned around and Alan got changed into some pjs. They then snuggled up in Alan’s bed. “Al, ya’ mean so much ta’ me.”

 “You … mean the world to … me too.” Alan said sleepily. He fell asleep soon after and rolled onto his back, the arm closest to Eric above his head. The blonde turned on his side, looking at him and smiling at the cute sight. As his eyes scanned over Alan, he saw that his sleeve had rolled up to reveal the large scar on his arm from the suicide attempt. Eric ran his finger over it gently, feeling how it dipped slightly from how deep it had been.

 “These will never take away from ya’ beauty.” His whispered. _I don’t know why ya’ would think I’d find ya’ ugly because of them. All I feel when I see them is sadness, from what ya' have been through._ He pressed his lips to Alan’s long scar and then to the scar across his wrist. “They don’t make me love ya’ any less.”

\-----

 It was now a few days before they broke up for Christmas break and Eric had just finished class. He walked up to Sebastian once everyone else had left the room. “How is everythin’ going wi’ Adrian?” He asked.

 Sebastian smiled. “Superb, thank you. I really get on well with him.”

 “Does he make ya’ happy?”

 “He does indeed. Very happy.” _I’m so glad._

 Eric spent a few more minutes talking to Sebastian, before he made his way back to his dorm room. As he entered, his phone rang.

 “Hello.”

 “Hello son. I’m just phoning to ask if you will be coming home for Christmas?”

 “Yeah … but only if Al can come too.”

 There was a slight pause. “Is he recovering well?”

 “Yeah he is. He’s doin’ so well. I’m so proud of him.”

 “Then he is welcome. Has his referral letter come through yet?”

 “No, not yet. Hopefully after this holiday he’ll get it.”

 “Yes they do take a while. Months even. When can we be expecting you both?”

 “A few days before Christmas. Then we’ll be goin’ back ta’ college before new-year. Ronald wants us ta’ all celebrate together.”

 “Well, see you then.”

 “Bye.”

 He then went to Alan’s room. The brunette looked up at him from a piece of artwork he was drawing. “Al, ya’ comin’ home wi’ me for Christmas.”

 Alan flinched as the mention of Eric’s home. “But … your dad hates me.”

 “He doesn’t. He was jus’ upset tha’ I was upset. I’ve told him how well ya’ doin’ and he wants ya’ ta’ spend Christmas wi’ us.”

 “Really?”

 “Yeah, really. Ya’ really are doin’ amazingly. I’m so proud of ya’.” He moved in front of Alan, bending down to kiss him tenderly. “I’m so happy tha’ ya’ gettin’ better.” He said as he pulled away.

 “Okay … I’ll come.”

 

\-----

***Alan’s Pov***

_But … I’ve started to slip again Eric. I … I’ve been purging again. I … lied again. I’ve just … gotten better at … hiding it this time. I couldn’t … stop the voices. They … made me do it … with what they said. With what they called me. They … are so strong. Stronger day by day. How am I supposed to … get through going to … your house … without someone noticing … that I can hear them? That I can feel … their hands all over me. I’ll … go just to make you happy. I’ll just stop … purging until I get back. I’ll just try to push the … voices away._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is actually a mix of drugs that can do that to the body. I saw it on a crime channel, a programme about two serial rapists.


	51. Eric ... can you please ...just.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chap makes me sad/ mad.

***Alan’s past***

 The boy screamed loudly, as he felt a man enter him. It hurt so much. No preparation. No lubrication. Nothing to try to prevent his pain. “I do love it when he screams and his crying just turns me on more.”

 “I know, Joseph. I really must thank you though for the rape drugs you provided me.”

 “And I thank you for the discount. 50p a pop is quite pleasing. I can go at it with him all night and be able to afford it then.”

 “You really are so brutal with him. That’s why I always make sure you are his last client of the evening. No one would find him appealing with all that dried blood between his legs.”

 The boy whimpered and began to sob, as his thrusts turned harder. “It just pisses me off when he passes out from the pain. It’s not fun if I can’t see his agony. You really should feed him more.”

 Jacob huffed. “That would just be a waste of my precious money. Plus he barely eats even when I do let him grab something from the fridge. He’s not like the other boys I’ve had. I don’t have to lock the cupboards to stop him from stealing my food.”

 Joseph looked down at the boy. “Well Alan, how many rounds should we go for this time? I’m thinking ten.” The boy just sobbed louder.

\---

 The boy was thrown to the floor. He’d made Jacob angry again, though he didn’t know how. The man never gave him a reason but Alan knew that it was always his fault, somehow. Jacob straddled the naked boy’s legs, pulling his cigarette from his mouth and pressing the burning end to the boy’s stomach. The boy shrieked in pain, as it burnt into his flesh, the wound an addition to all the other round scars on his belly.

 He was then kicked and punched. Jacob picked up a knife, stabbing him in the side of the leg. The blade was withdrawn, a large amount of blood seeping from the hole it left. It was then plunged into the side of his other leg.

 Beating over, he heard Jacob call someone on his phone. “Joseph I need your help.” The boy couldn’t hear what the other man was saying. “No, I didn’t cut his artery I don’t think though he is bleeding badly. He will probably die from blood loss. I just need help with disposing of him. I can’t drive when I’m this high.”

 “No, I can’t be bothered to dress him. Just hurry up and get here.”

 The boy was dragged a while later into a car. He felt himself slipping in and out of conciseness from the loss of blood, as he was dumped in a deserted alleyway.

 

\-----

***Present day Eric’s Pov***

 They had arrived at Eric’s house a few days previously and it was now Christmas day. Eric had noticed how Alan had seemed distant the past week but didn’t want to mention it today, not with it being such a special occasion. He decided he would ask him tomorrow instead.

 He had ordered some gifts for Alan, making them be delivered to his house. He’d then wrapped them in secret while Alan was distracted by his dog, Biscuit.

 

\-----

***Alan’s Pov***

 Alan unwrapped his gifts, all being manga or anime related once more. “There’s one more.” Eric stated, handing Alan a small box. Alan opened it and felt his eyes brim with tears. It was a necklace, with half of a heart attached to it. It was obviously made of real silver. _But … I don’t deserve this. Not after what I’ve done. Not after I’ve lied … again._ He turned it over, to see the words ‘together forever’ carved into the back of it. _But we won’t be. Not if … you find out._

 “Do ya’ like it, babe?” Eric asked.

 “I do … thank you so much Eric.”

 The blonde smiled at him, pulling something out from under the neck of his shirt. “I have my half too. Can’t love wi’out someone ta’ be in love wi’.” _How can … you love someone like me?_

 “I brought you … something too. Before … we left Edinburgh. I hid it in my luggage.” _Just like … I hide everything else._ He passed the parcel to Eric.

 Eric unwrapped it. The gift was the England football shirt that he hadn’t got around to buying yet. “Thanks Alan. Ya’ know me so well, kid.”

\---

 Christmas dinner had been hard, Alan wanting so badly to purge, even though he was only given a small portion by Sharon. He was glad that she didn’t try to push him too much with food. The voices still hadn’t left him and he'd felt himself becoming more and more withdrawn over the past few days.

 He and Eric were now kissing on top of Eric’s bed, it being late at night. Eric moved to place kisses down Alan’s neck, making him moan softly. “Eric … can we … you know?”

 The blonde moved his head to look up at him. “Ya’ want me ta’ make love ta’ ya’?”

 “Please.”

 “But, Al. Wha’ if ya’ freak out?”

 “Please … can we at least try? It’s Christmas … I want it to be special.” _I … want this. No matter what … the voices call me. I love you … and I want you … to do it. At least once … in case you find out what I’ve been hiding because … I know you will leave me then. I … I’m still scared of it … but I trust you fully, I think. Or at least I want to._

  “I don’t want ya’ ta’ feel pressured inta’ anythin’. Are ya’ sure ya’ want ta’?”

 “Yes … I’m sure. I think … I’m ready now. I know you … won't hurt me.”

 “Well … if ya’ sure tha’ ya’ are.”

 Eric moved back to kissing his neck, speaking between pecks. “And ya’ know I’ll stop if ya’ tell me ta’, right?”

 “I … know.”

 Eric moved from the bed to rummage in his bedroom drawer. He pulled out an unopened bottle of lube. Removing the packaging, he sat on the bed, before lying back on it. “Get on top of me, Al.”

 “But … I want you to … take charge.”

 “Yeah I know and I will but until then, ya’ should be on top. At least then, ya’ can move away easily if ya’ get uncomfortable.”

 “Okay.” _That’s so … sweet of you … Eric._

 Alan moved to straddle Eric’s waist, leaning down to kiss him. They spent a while on kissing and small touches, before Eric’s hand moved to rub Alan’s bulge through his pj bottoms. “Ya’ sure ya’ wanna’ do this, Al?”

 “I am.”

 Eric’s hands slipped into his bottoms, stroking him softly. “Hmm … Eric … can you … please just …”

 “If ya’ really wanna’, yeah.”

 “I do … but can we ... turn off the lights?”

 “’Cause of ya’ scars?”

 “Y … yes.”

 “No problem.”

 “And can … we just take our bottoms off. Leave our … tops on?” _I don’t want you to … feel the scars on my arms and front._

 “Sure. Whatever makes ya’ feel at ease.”

 

\-----

***Eric’s Pov***

 Alan moved onto the bed and Eric stood up, walking away to switch the light off. Getting back on the bed, Alan lay down and he shifted to prop himself up above him. Their bottom clothes were soon removed and he fumbled around to find the lube. Once retrieved, he squirted some onto one palm, rubbing it over the fingers of his other hand. “Ya’ sure ya’ want me ta’? Ya’ sure ya’ ready?” He said, as he nestled between Alan’s legs.

“I … am.”

 His hand slipped down, his first finger rubbing the smaller man’s entrance. He started to push it carefully inside after a few moments. As soon as he did, he heard a shriek, Alan tensing up around his digit. “Stop it! Don’t! No! Get the fuck away from me!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah. Poor Alan, freaking out again. 
> 
> Also, now you know the burn marks Eric had seen in the beginning of the fic weren't self inflicted.  
> As for the stab scars, they would have faded somewhat by the time Eric saw Alan's legs. It would have been almost a year after he was stabbed, so Eric just thought they were just self injury scars.


	52. Boxing day.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, Alan feels again.

***Eric's Pov*** 

Eric pulled away quickly. “Al, did I hurt ya’?” _My hands are kind of big, so maybe I did._

 “Just stay away from me!” _I knew he wasn’t ready. Argh … why did I listen to him?!_ Eric moved away from the bed and switched the light on. “No!” Alan tossed himself onto his front. “Turn it off! I … I don’t want you to see … them.”

 With a saddened sigh, Eric retrieved a blanket from his wardrobe and laid it over Alan. “I won’t see them, not if ya’ don’t want me ta’.” _Even though I’ve seen some of them and they don’t make me think any less of ya’._ Eric moved onto the bed next to Alan.

 “No! Stay … away from me.” The smaller man pressed his face deeper into the pillow.

 “Al … did I hurt ya’ when I…?”

 “N … no. Please … just stay away from me. I don’t want you to see … I don’t want you to touch … me.”

 “I’m not goin’ anywhere. Ya’ should know by now tha’ I would never intentionally hurt ya’. Tha’ I wouldn’t touch ya’ if ya’ didn’t want me ta’.”

 Alan’s tone softened. “I … know.”

 “Al, look at me. Please.” Alan turned his head, his face streaked with tears. _Great. I’ve made him cry again._ “I’m sorry for scarin’ ya’ again. I shudda’ knew tha’ ya’ weren’t ready.”

 “It’s … not your fault. It’s mine … I’m just messed up. I … can’t even … do relationships properly.”

 Eric lay down. “Come here.” Alan eyed him for a second, before scooting closer to rest against Eric’s chest, hand gripping the blanket to keep himself covered. “Ya’ should know tha’ sex isn’t tha’ most important thing in a relationship. It ain’t important ta’ me Al, all I care ‘bout if ya’ happiness.” He said, as he wrapped his arms around the small teenager.

 “But-.”

 “But nothing, Al. Even if it takes years before ya’ properly ready, I’ll stay by ya’ side. Even if ya’ never are, I’ll never leave ya’.” _As long as you don’t lie again …_

 “Thank … you.”

 “Don’t ever feel pressured inta’ doin’ anythin’ wi’ me, because I’ll never try and make ya’, I promise.”

 

\-----

***Alan’s Pov***

_But I … wanted to. I know … you didn’t pressure me. I just wanted to … feel ‘that’ with the person I love. Just once … before you do leave me. I’m too messed up though, with my flashbacks. The feel … of something inside … reminded me of them. All of them. I ruined it. I … ruined my only chance._

 Eric stayed cuddled up with Alan for the rest of the night, even after he fell asleep. Alan couldn’t sleep again, the voices being so loud that they began to make his head hurt. _Please … just go away. I won’t … be able to hide this for much longer … if they keep getting worse._

 

\----

***Eric’s Pov***

 Eric walked into the kitchen to get him and Alan something to eat. “Morning dad.”

 Matthew looked up to smile at him. “Morning, son. I have to admit that Alan is doing a lot better. He really proved me wrong. He looks so much healthier.”

 “Yeah, he does. Thanks dad.” _But he’s being distant again. He was this morning, before I came down here. I just hope the voices aren’t back again. I can’t even mention it to dad. I don’t want him freaking out. I don’t want him to try to make Alan leave again._

 Eric grabbed a pan from the cupboard and some eggs. As he began to cook them, Matthew spoke again. “Making yourself and Alan a cooked breakfast?”

 “Na. Al’s allergic to eggs. Not so much when they are used in cookin’ but full ones make him itch.”

 His dad laughed lightly. “Oh dear.”

 “I’ll jus’ get him cereal or somethin’.” _Which is good, I remember when he wouldn’t even touch cereal._ “We got any bacon in?”

 “I think so, yes. Are you both coming with us for some boxing day shopping in a short while?”

 “Sure.”

\----

 Alan was definitely acting even more withdrawn than usual. Even when Eric brought him some sale items from Waterstones, he seemed uninterested; like his mind was on other matters. Once they were back in Eric’s bedroom, Eric decided to raise the issue.

 “Al, are ya’ feeling alright? Ya’ seem kinda’ distant.”

 “I’m fine. Sorry if I came … across that way. I didn’t mean to.”

 _But ya’ obviously not fine. I’m not stupid._ “The voices aren’t back, are they?”

 “No.”

 “Ya’ not lyin, am ya'?”

 “No” _He looks pissed off. I don’t want him to start swearing at me again, in case dad hears. I'll just have to drop it for now, even though I don't want to._

 “Alright.” _Why … don’t I believe him this time?_


	53. Research.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric gets back on his laptop. Changed the sentences from the NHS website, to avoid plagiarism again.

***Eric’s Pov***

 Eric and Alan returned to college a few days before new year. Eric could tell something was wrong with Alan, having been on the receiving end of his anger a few times while they were at his house. He was thankful that his parents weren’t in the house during the three times that Alan had flipped and begun to shout and swear at him. _I don’t understand why he keeps having these mood swings. At least I think that’s what they are? I didn’t even do anything for him to get angry. I just don’t get it. He has never been like this before. Is it the voices? He only flipped when he was hearing them last time. They really are back? He’s never been anything but a cute, shy kid. I don’t … like the way he’s acting. I don’t like him like this. I mean, yeah I love him no matter what but I dislike this side of him. Is that what he’s really like under all the quietness? Is that the real him?_

\---

 It was now New year's Eve and Eric, Alan, Ronald and Claude were all celebrating with lots of other people in the middle of Edinburgh. Eric had made sure that Ronald didn’t get Alan drunk again, not after what had happened last time. The crowd counted down the seconds until new year’s day. 5,4,3,2,1. Everyone cheered as fireworks were let off above Edinburgh castle, lighting up the night sky with splashes of red, pink, blue and white.

 Eric smiled and turned to look at Alan. “Happy new year, babe. This year will be so much better than the last, I promise.”

 Alan huffed. “No, it fucking won’t be. Don’t promise such shit.”

 Eric’s face fell. _What the fuck is up with him? How did that sentence manage to piss him off so much?_ “Alright, sorry.”

 “Too late to fucking apologise now.” _Jesus Christ! Chill out, would ya’? What is up with these fuckin’ mood swings?_

 

\---

*** The next day. Alan’s Pov***

_Eric didn’t want to speak to me after breakfast today. It’s because I keep snapping at him. I don’t mean too … it’s the voices. They change me … they make me so mad._

 Alan gagged over the toilet bowl, his vison beginning to cloud after five minutes of doing so. _It’s affecting my body again._ He flushed the toilet and sat down on the floor in front of it.

 ‘You didn’t get it all up, you know. What a failure.’

 “Shut up.” Alan whispered, as he got up on shaky legs.

 ‘You’re such an awful person. Shouting at Eric like that.’

 “Shut up!” His voice rose. “It’s all your … fault! You piss me off! I’m only angry because you won’t fucking shut up!”

 ‘Such a temper. What a little shit.’

 “Shut up!” The side of his fist collided with the wall. “Just piss off! Go away! I hate you!” His head began to pound.

 ‘We hate you too. Everyone does. They all wish you were just dead.’

 “Stop … it. Don’t … say that.” His fingers gripped the hair at the sides of his head, as he slipped down the wall and began to cry.

 An hour later he went back to his room. It had taken him that long to begin to calm down.

 

\-----

***Eric’s Pov***

 He entered Alan’s room sometime later. _I’m sure the voices are back. I’m going to make him tell me this time. Whatever is making him angry, I have to know._

 “Al?”

 Alan looked up at him. “What?” _He sounds proper pissed today._

 “What’s wrong with ya’ recently? Why are ya’ so angry all tha’ time?”

 “I don’t … know.”

 “Yes ya’ do.”

 “I said I don’t fucking know!” Alan shouted, standing up from the bed.

 “Ya’ do. Ya’ know ya’ do!” Eric marched up to him, grabbing his shoulders and shaking them. “Jus’ tell me!”

 “There’s nothing to tell! Stop bugging me!”

 “Yes there-.”

  **SMACK.**

 Eric staggered backwards slightly. _He just fuckin' punched me!?_ He saw Alan looking at him, panic evident on his face. Alan moved forward. “Eric … I’m so sorry I … didn’t mean to. Oh god … I’m so sorry.”

 “I think ya’ need ta’ calm down. I’ll be back later.” Eric turned to leave the room but felt Alan grab his shirt sleeve.

 “No … please don’t go. Please … don’t leave me alone.”

 Eric yanked his wrist out of the other’s grip. “I’m going, before I say somethin’ I’ll regret.”

\-----

 Once back in his dorm room, he retrieved his laptop. He opened the google search bar and typed in ‘NHS choices – hearing voice.’ He then clicked on the first search result. _I’m positive he still is hearing them. That’s probably the reason he’s getting so moody. Just like when they first appeared again._

 ‘Hallucinations are when someone sees, hears or feels things that don’t exist outside of their own mind. Taste can also be included in these hallucinations. These commonly occur in people with schizophrenia.’ _Schizophrenia? Isn’t that like … really serious? He can’t possibly have that._ Deciding to carry on with his research, his worry now growing, he scanned down the page.

 ‘Hearing voices is the most common hallucination for people with schizophrenia. They can say a number of things, being critical or nice or sometimes neither. They may comment on a person’s actions, engage the person in conversation or tell them to do harmful things.’

 He clicked on the link for schizophrenia and saw that one of the symptoms was changes in behaviour. _No ... I don’t think what Alan has is that serious. It can’t be that … can it? He’s just a bit moody … that’s all._

 ‘It is not uncommon for people who have been recently bereaved to hear voices.’ _He did say that they hadn’t been around since high school. Did they start when his parents died?_ He continued reading and saw a heading titled psychosis, so he typed it into his search bar. He clicked on a NHS link again.

 ‘Psychosis is a mental health problem that may involve hallucinations and delusions. This can often cause the person to be disrupted in their perceptions, emotions, behaviour and thinking.’ He skimmed down the page. ‘Sometimes it can be caused by certain mental health conditions, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and severe depression.' _That must be it. He’s hearing voices because he’s depressed over the abuse he’s suffered. That makes more sense than him being schizophrenic. I’ve heard that that’s a really serious condition. Alan couldn’t possible have that. He’s just depressed. Yeah, it’s just depression._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Saying schizophrenia was really bad wasn't meant to offend anyone. it's just Eric's, someone who doesn't know anything about it, thoughts on it. From the false things he's heard about the condition.
> 
> Also .... duh duh duh. A new character is about to appear; in the next chap.


	54. My best friend in the whole wide world.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luna = Luka. Gender bent. Couldn't bend one sibling without the other.

***Alan’s Pov***

 _I can’t believe I punched him … I’m such an awful person. He’ll never forgive me for that._ The voices got louder, telling him to hurt himself. _No I can’t … Eric will find out. It’s harder to hide than purging. If he … finds out … he’ll leave me._

 ‘He already hates you for punching him. He’s going to leave you anyway. You know what to do.’

 “I … can’t. I … won’t.” Alan said, beginning to cry.

 The voices continued with their orders for the next few hours, until Alan finally cracked. Moving over to his desk drawer, he opened it and pulled out a new xacto knife, still in its packaging. Once unwrapped, he sat back on the bed, blade hovering above his scarred wrists. _I … can’t … I shouldn’t do it. I want to … but I can’t keep letting Eric down._

‘You don’t deserve him anyway. Just do it. Give him a reason to finally get rid of filth like you.’

 

\-----

***Eric’s Pov***

 He decided to go check up on Alan a while after finishing his research, to make sure he was okay. _I hope he’s calmed down by now. I won’t mention the voices again today. I don’t want to get punched again. That really pissed me off. That and the fact that I’m almost certain he’s been lying to me again. I … can’t really blame him, I guess. He probably thinks I would believe him to be insane if he kept telling me about his hallucinations. I’ll try to mention it tomorrow instead._

 He pushed to door open and froze. “Alan, wha’ tha’ fuck do ya’ think ya’ doin’?” Racing over to Alan, he tried to pry the knife from his hand. “Al, give me tha’ thing.” Alan’s grip on it tightened. “Give me tha’ fuckin’ knife!”

 Alan looked up from his wrist then, letting go of the knife. That’s when Eric noticed that it wasn’t covered in blood. “Ya’ … didn’t hurt ya’self?”

 The brunette shook his head. “No … I couldn’t. I wanted to … but I couldn’t make you even angrier.”

 Eric threw the knife to the floor and got on the bed, cupping Alan’s cheeks with both of his hands and looking him in the eyes. _Shit … he’s been crying again._ “Why did ya’ wanna, Al?”

 “Because … I punched you. I … I’m so sorry.”

 “It’s okay. I guess it’s payback for when I slapped ya’. We’re even now.” He joked. “Jus’ don’t do it again, okay?”

 “I won’t … you aren’t going to leave me … are you?”

 “No, I’m not.” _Even if ya’ have lied … I don’t think I could leave ya’ in such a mess. Ya’ will just try and kill ya’self again. I couldn’t deal with that._ His hands left Alan’s face, as he pulled him into a tight hug.

 “E … Eric.”

 “Yeah babe?”

 “I … I need to tell you … something.”

 “Alright.” _Is he going to tell me about the voices?_

 “It’ll make … you angry though.”

 “Jus’ tell me. No matter wha’ it is.”

 “I … I’ve been …”

 Eric pulled back from the hug to look at him. “Been wha’, Al?”

 Alan’s gaze shifted to the bed covers. “Been … making myself … sick again.”

 _Shit. No. He’s slipping again._ “Oh, Al. Why?”

 “I don’t … know.”

 “Are tha’ voices back? Did they tell ya’ ta’ do it?” Alan shook his head. “Are ya’ tellin’ me tha’ truth?” Alan nodded. “Definitely?”

 “Y … yes.”

 “How long ‘ave ya’ been doin’ it for?”

 “Since … my birthday.”

 “Three weeks!?”

 “I … I’m sorry I didn’t … tell you sooner.”

 “No … I’m jus’ glad ya’ told me. Ya’ haven’t cut again since tha’ last time though, right?”

 “I … haven’t. I know … I need to stop purging … again. I don’t … want to get sicker again. I … want to stay with you.”

 “Well, thank ya’ for tellin’ me. Ya’ stopped before, so ya’ can stop again.”

 “Yeah … I know.”

 Eric smiled softly at him. “Now come and gimme’ a cuddle.” _If he told me about being sick … he might tell me about the voices too in a few weeks. At least … I hope so._

\----

The next day.

 “Eric … there’s something I forgot to tell you.” Alan said.

 “Yeah, wha’ is it babe?”

 “My … best friend from school … is coming to Edinburgh today. She text and wants me … to meet her … at 4pm today.”

 “Awesome. Is she comin’ ta’ tour Edinburgh?”

 “No … she’s coming to visit me and … Alisha.” _So you actually messaged her back then. Why am I not that lucky?_

 “Why Alisha? She didn’t used ta’ live in ya’ area.”

 “She’s Luna’s non – identical twin sister. Their parents got divorced and Luna’s dad moved away with Alisha. Then Luna’s mom got remarried, that’s … why they don’t … have the same last name.”

 Eric frowned. “That’s really shitty tha’ they were takin’ away from each other.”

 “Yes … it upset them both quite a bit. They were only four … when it happened though. That’s … why Alisha didn’t know who I was. She couldn’t … remember me from nursery.”

 “So ya’ and Luna ‘ave known each other for ages then?

 “Since we were three. I haven’t … seen her since I came up here though. Do … you want to come with me to see her?”

 “Sure, if ya’ want me ya’.”

 “Please.”

\---

 Four o’clock came around and the couple were waiting for Luna to turn up. They were sitting in the park, in the new section of the city.

 “Tag, you’re it!” Eric saw a hand tap Alan on top of his head. They both turned around to see a petite girl with brown hair, which was cropped messily to just below her chin. She was wearing a band t-shirt which was ripped at the sleeves and a loose pair of black jeans. _Wait, that’s a girl?_

 Alan laughed. “No, I think … you’re it!” He got up quickly and chased the girl around the park. Eric just sat there watching them and listening to Luna squeal and laugh. _Where the hell did Al get all that energy from? His mate definitely knows how to bring him outta’ his shell, that's for sure._

 Luna ran back towards the bench. Just before she reached it, she tripped on a patch of grass and tumbled to the ground. Alan jumped on top of her. “You’re it now!”

 She giggled and pulled him into a tight hug on the ground, once Alan had moved to her side. “Oh, Chipmunk, I’m so happy to see you. I’ve missed you so much!”

 _Chipmunk? Is that a nickname or something? I can see why, he is cute just like a chipmunk._ Alan smiled widely. “I’ve missed you too.” _How can she make him laugh and smile so much, when I can’t?_

 “So who’s this handsome man you have with you?”

 “Eric.”

 “Aww. You haven’t replaced me, have you?” She asked, giving him the bottom lip.

 “No. He’s … my boyfriend.”

 “Whaaaattttt?! I know we haven’t talked much the past few years but you kept that one a secret! How long have you been together?” _He didn’t bother to tell her about me? How … nice._

 “A year and a half.”

 “Man! You should have told me. He’s hot. So rugged!” She purred.

 Alan giggled. “So … much for being a lesbian, Luna.”

 “Hey … that’s not fair! Alisha has someone she wants me to go on a date with, so there.” She poked her tongue out at him.

 Alan laughed more. “I’ll bite that off … if you’re not careful.”

 “Nope! Isn’t tongue play Eric’s job?” She stood up and before Eric could move, she had jumped on his lap. “It’s nice to meet you by the way!”

 “Erm Yeah ... ya’ too.”


	55. Slingby strikes a hat-trick.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hat-Trick = scoring three goals in a single soccer game.

***Eric's Pov***

 The three had spent the next half an hour in the park. Within the first ten minutes of Luna arriving, Alan had become withdrawn again. Luna didn’t seem to mind, still smiling widely and trying to chat to him as much as she could. _Why isn’t the way he’s acting bothering her? Is she used to it?_

 Eric stood up from the bench. “Al, do ya’ want an ice cream?”

 “No.”

 “Luna?”

 “She doesn’t fucking want one either!” Alan shouted.

 Luna giggled. “Oh, Chipmunk. You’re so cute when you’re all moody. How was Eric supposed to know that I’m lactose intolerant?” _Hey! Only I get to call him cute!_

 Alan pushed her away from him. “Who asked you!?”

 She just laughed again, scooting back up to him and hugging him tightly. “Such a cutie-pie when you’re all mad. Do you remember the time I gave you some soy milk and you ended up in hospital? That was hilarious!”

 Alan laughed. “Yeah, it was.”

 Eric stormed off to get an ice cream. _How can she deal with his mood swings so well? How can she calm him down and cheer him up so easily? I’m the one who loves him. I’m the one who should – no, it’s a good thing that she’s here. She might be able to help him, somehow._

 He walked with an ice cream in hand back to the park bench. Luna looked up at him. “We’re going to tour around the city for a bit. Chipmunk wants to show me some of the sights. Do you wanna’ come too?”

 “Na. I’m gunna’ head back to chill wi’ my mates for a bit. That alright wi’ ya’, Al?”

 “I don’t care.” He huffed. _How lovely._

 “Alright” Luna said. “Do you have Whatsapp by the way?”

 After adding each other on Whatsapp, Eric went back to college, while Alan and Luna went off in the opposite direction.

\-----

 “So, I finally told dad ‘bout me and Claude gettin’ engaged.” Ronald said. Him, Eric and Claude were in his dorm room.

 “Was he alright ‘bout it?” Eric asked.

 “Yeah he was fine ‘bout it. Doesn’t care as long as I’m happy but he was kinda’ shocked. He -.” Ronald paused when his phone rang. Picking it up, he frowned. “Hmm … it’s dad. He never phones me. Maybe he felt his ears burnin’. I’ll be right back.” He went out of the room to answer his phone.

 Eric turned to Claude after a minute or so of silence. “So how’s tha’ wedding preparations goin’?” He joked.

 “There won’t be any.”

 “Ya’ wha’?!”

 “There isn’t going to be a wedding.”

 “Wha’? Why? Don’t tell me ya’ ‘aving second thoughts?” Claude didn’t reply. “Claude, answer me. Ya’ best not be leadin’ him on.”

 At that moment Ronald entered the room again. “Are you alright, Ronald?” Claude asked. Eric looked at him too, noticing how pale he was.

 “Mom’s … dead.”

\-----

 Eric and Claude had stayed with Ronald for the rest of the day. He was inconsolable. He had managed to tell them that she had died suddenly of a heart attack, before dissolving into tears. Claude was trying his best to comfort the younger man, though Eric couldn’t understand why.

_I thought ya' were having second thoughts? Why are ya’ still around then? Stop leading him on. Why would ya’ say there isn’t gunna’ be a wedding when ya’ was the one who proposed?!_

 At 8.32pm Eric got a message from Luna, along with a picture of Alan sleeping. He looked so cute, curled up on a sofa with a pink blanket wrapped around him.

 Lunaboo123: Hey! Alan managed to tire himself out so much today that he fell asleep in my hotel room. Don’t worry, I’ll bring him back safe for you tomorrow.

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: It’s cool. See you both tomorrow.

 Eric was surprised when his phone beeped again.

 Lunaboo123: Chipmunk isn’t doing so well, is he?

 Eric frowned.

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: What do you mean?

 Lunaboo123: His mood swings. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed them.

 Slingbystrikesahat-trick: Yeah I have. Should we really be talking about him while he’s asleep though?

 Lunaboo123: It’s fine. We both care for him, don’t we?

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Yeah we do.

 Lunaboo123: Then it’s fine.

 Eric thought for a moment, about what to write next. _Maybe she can help me to help Al. I'll see if she knows if he has been hearing the voices today._

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Do you know about the voices he hears too?

 After a long pause, he got a reply. Looking at his phone, he froze in horror. A bombshell had been dropped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone know what the bombshell is?  
> Also poor Ronald.


	56. He can't be dead!

***Luna’s past***

“Mom, I’m worried. Alan hasn’t been turning up for school all week. I tried to go to his house but there was no answer. We both know Alan’s dad has been hurting him, I’m so worried.” The just turned fourteen year old said.

 Christine looked down at her daughter. “Yes I know. Then maybe we should go over there and try again.”

 Luna and her mom went to Alan’s house. “Something isn’t right.” Christine stated. “Everyone’s cars are still in the driveway. Don’t they normally have work?”

 “Yeah. See, I told you something was wrong.”

 “I’m phoning the police.”

\---

 A police man arrived an hour later. “Are you certain that they haven’t just gone away on holiday?” He asked.

 “No! Alan would have told me! There’s something wrong!” Luna shouted at him.

 “Luna, please calm down.” Christine turned to the officer. “Will you please just go in and see if everything is okay in there? I have a bad feeling that something is very wrong.”

 “Alright but please wait out here.” The policeman broke the door down and entered. Luna tried to go in after him but Christine grabbed her arm. They both then heard words that made horror course through them, as the officer spoke into his police radio. “We have a body in here. I need back up.”

 “No! Alan!” Luna ripped her arm away from her mother’s grip and raced inside.

 “Luna, come back here! You’re too young to see such things!” Her mom chased after her and spotted the body of Alan’s mother, Anne, lying on the living room floor.

 “No, Alan can’t be … he can’t be dead!” Luna shouted, before she rushed into the kitchen and then up the stairs, before her mother or the police office could stop her. She yanked Alan’s bedroom open to find nothing, so she ran to the master bedroom. “He can’t be dead! NO!”

 She moved into the bedroom, just as the two others caught up with her. The smell nearly made her gag. Alan’s father was lying dead on the floor, gun at his side. “Luna, we should go hunny. You don’t want to see this.”

 “He’s not gone! He- mom, can you hear that?”

 “What?”

 “It … sounds like crying.” Luna rushed further into the room, to find another body lying in the corner, behind the bed. It was Alan’s little sister. Alan was kneeling at her side, shaking her. “Josie … please … wake up … I’m so sorry … please. Just wake up. I didn’t … mean to make dad angry … please wake up.”

 Luna moved closer to him, trying not to be sick at the smell. This had obviously happened a week ago, just before Alan started missing school. She didn’t care how horrible it was though; she had to be there for Alan. She had to help him through this ordeal and so she bent down next to him. “Chipmunk?”

 He gazed around at her, still crying. He looked completely broken, his body trembling and his skin pale. Eyes wide with fear and pain. “L … Luna?”

 “We need to get you out of here, Chipmunk.”

 “No … they need to wake up!”

 Luna pulled him away softly and into her arms. His clothes were caked in dried blood. “They’re gone, babe.”

 “No!” He began to sob louder, hands gripping Luna’s school shirt.

 She hugged him tighter. “It’ll be okay, Chipmunk, I promise. Things will be alright. I’m here for you.”

 “Don’t … you leave me … Luna. Don’t … you die!”

 “I’ll never leave you. I’ll be your best friend forever.”

 Luna heard the police office speak. “We need to get him to the station for questioning.”

 

\-----

***Eric’s Pov Present day***

 Eric read the message once, twice, three times. He read those words again and again. He knew Claude was eyeing him. He knew that he was gawking at the phone screen like someone who had just seen a ghost.

 Lunaboo123: Well obviously. He is schizophrenic. I’d be a shitty best friend if I didn’t know about them.

 He finally managed to get his brain to work to create a reply. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. It just couldn’t be true.

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: What?! He’s What?!

 Lunaboo123: You didn’t know? He was diagnosed after he was put in hospital when he was sixteen. You do know what happened to him though, right? When he was younger?

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Yeah. I know about his past. Hospital from what Jacob did to him?

 Lunaboo123: That’s it, yes. They finally diagnosed him with it then. Along with severe depression and some sort of personality disorder.

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Oh.

_No. I don’t believe this. He … can’t be that ill. Why did he never tell me?_

 Lunaboo123: He was a right state in the hospital. They had to restrain him and everything. That wasn’t when the voices started though. He’d been having them ever since his family died. He wouldn’t tell me but I’m guessing it started on the very day that he lost them. I don’t think he has a personality disorder though. The voices just terrify him. They make him lash out because he’s so afraid. He feels helpless when they are around.

_So it really is the voices that are making him act like this. He did lie._

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Did he tell you what happened with his parents then? And with Jacob?

 Lunaboo123: No. I was there when the police came to his house. I found him in that house. It was awful. As for Jacob, he did tell me. Well, more screamed it at me when I visited him at the hospital. He hadn’t long been there for long. He was still pretty shaken up.

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: I’m sorry you had to see that.

 Lunaboo123: It’s fine. I’m over it.

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Erm … Do you know why he doesn't always have mood swings? They have only just started again?

 Lunaboo123: Because the voices come and go. He was on medication for a bit but stopped taking them. He said they didn’t work. He was put on three different ones between what happened with Jacob and the end of school. None of them stopped the voices. They went just away on their own, after we left school but obviously they are back again. It's just the way he is. He gets a bit better and then worse again. They went away when he was at Jacob’s. Well for most of that time. They came back full force as soon as he put in the hospital. Honestly, the voices really affect him. The angry man you saw today isn’t the real Alan. He’s always been the shy kid you see most of the time.

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Then how do I help him? If meds don’t work?

 Lunaboo123: I’m not sure. I just try to be there as much as I can. I’ve known him for so long that I’m used to his mood swings. I know how to handle him. Those evil shits really messed him up but he is the sweetest boy you will ever meet. Honestly, he’s harmless and I know that he loves you. He told me earlier.

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Harmless? He punched me yesterday.

 Lunaboo123: Yeah. The voices make him violent sometimes. Like I said, he lashes out. He was really violent when he came back to school after Jacob. He couldn’t deal with what had happened to him, I don’t think. He really went off the deep end. But then after school the voices stopped again and he went back to his normal self. The quiet, shy boy. Like I said, he’s the sweetest man you will ever meet. Even if he is a little strange lol.

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: I know. He’s really cute sometimes. What do you mean off the deep end? What did he do?

 Lunaboo123: Sorry. I’ll have to ttyl. Chipmunk’s having a nightmare. X

 Eric shoved his phone back into his pocket. _What the hell? Why didn’t he tell me about that? It was important information! He shouldn’t have kept that from me. I need to have a serious talk with him tomorrow. He really did lie. He’ll be lucky if I don’t start shouting at him again. No matter how much I love him, which is a lot, I’m still pissed off._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TTYL = talk to you later.


	57. and then it dawned on him.

***Luna’s past.***

 “Mom, I’m so worried. Alan hasn’t turned up to school again. I tried to go to his grandparents but they just said they had kicked him out. I don’t understand why. They never even talk to him so it’s not like they see his mood swings. He’s done nothing to deserve this. I’m so scared. He hasn’t answered his phone all week.” The sixteen year old girl stated.

 “Maybe we should phone the police again. Let’s try to find him first though.”

\----

 A police officer was sitting in the living room of Luna’s house. “So I’m really worried he’s hurt or something. He’s not well mentally at all.”

 “Yes and he has no family to care about him. We have both searched the streets and cannot find him.” Luna’s mom added.

 The police officer nodded. “I will file a missing person’s report. Thank you for your information.”

 “Will you let us know when you find him? We are the closest thing to a family he has.” Luna’s mom asked.

 “Of course.”

\----

 Six weeks later.

 “Luna. Your dinner is getting cold.” Christine said, as she opened the door to her daughters bedroom.

 “I don’t care! I’m not hungry! All I want is to see Chipmunk again!”

 “I’m sure the police wil-.”

 “No, they won’t! It’s been six weeks and he hasn’t been found! He … he’s probably lying dead in a ditch somewhere! I … I miss him so much!” She shouted, before sobbing again and pressing her face back into her pillow.

 The next day, the phone rang. Alan had been found, beaten and unconscious. When he had woken up, his mental state had deteriorated.

\---

 Luna walked into the hospital room that Alan was being kept in. She sighed sadly when she saw that he was restrained to the bed. “Oh Chipmunk, whatever has happened to you?”

 Alan looked over at her and laughed manically. “What didn’t they do? I … thought he loved me … and he …” Alan began to sob.

 “Who? You’re not making much sense, babe.” She moved closer to his bed.

 “Jacob! He said that he loved me!” Alan shouted. “I … I’m such a bad person! I … slept with so many men!” He began to laugh again. “And I … loved every minute of it!”

 “I don’t think so, Chipmunk. That’s not like you at all.”

 “No … you’re right. I didn’t like it at all. I … didn’t have a choice! Then … he put me in here. He left me. I loved him and he went away. Why does everyone I care about leave!?”

 “I won’t leave, Chipmunk.”

 “You … really mean that?”

 “I do.” She smiled. “Why are you all tied up?”

 “I … punched a nurse. I think … I broke her nose. They just left me here. You’re my … first visitor all day. I … I’m such an awful person.”

 “No you’re not. Don’t be silly. Now why don’t we get you out of those restraints?”

 “No … you shouldn’t do that.” Luna didn’t listen, undoing the padded cuffs around his wrists and ankles quickly.

 “There, you can move again now.” She grinned.

 “Everyone is going … to leave me.” Alan sobbed more. “They … always do.”

 She lay on the bed next to him, pulling him close. He cuddled into her chest. “I won’t ever leave you. Best friends for life, remember?”

 “Promise me … promise me you’ll never … leave. Promise me … I won’t push you away. Promise me that you won’t … die on me.” He gripped her t-shirt, as his body began to shake. “Promise me!”

 “I do. I promise.”

 

\----

***Eric’s Pov***

 At half nine, his phone beeped again. Lunaboo123: Oh I forgot to say, Alan was diagnosed with anxiety too.

 _Yeah … that one is obvious._ Before he could reply, he got another message. Lunaboo123: Alan is awake now. His nightmare woke him up. I think his mood swings have stopped for tonight though. He says he wants to come back to college now. He misses you and doesn’t want to spend the night without you. How cute!

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Alright, cool.

 Lunaboo123: My hotel isn’t far from the dorms so he’ll be back soon. I’ll probably see you both tomorrow. Good night x

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Night.

 Eric left Ronald’s room shortly after that last message, going to Alan’s instead. _What am I supposed to say to him? I’m pissed off but more than that … I’m really worried for him. If he really is that ill, will he ever get better? I just want him well. I want him fully recovered._

 And then it dawned on him that that would probably never be the case.


	58. Bite me!

***Luna’s past***

 Alan had spent six weeks in a psychiatric unit, once he had been discharged from the main hospital. He’d been put on three different antipsychotics, before the Dr at the ward was happy that the third drug was working well enough for him to be discharged. It was now the end of March and Alan had been put on benefits and was living in a council flat in their town in Yorkshire. Alan had given Luna a spare key for his flat.

 She entered and saw Alan sitting on his bed. “Chipmunk, you really shouldn’t be smoking. What about your asthma? It can’t be good for it.” She saw the cuts lining him arms but chose not to mention them.

 Alan looked up at her. “Bite me. I’ve got an inhaler, haven’t I?”

 She frowned at him. “Where did you even get cigarettes from? You’re too young to buy them.”

 “Friends.”

 “You mean those drug addicts you’ve been hanging about with? They aren’t the type of people you should be around, Chipmunk.”

 “I said bite me.” The cigarette butt was discarded in an ashtray and Alan stood up to look in the mirror. “I fucking hate my hair.”

 Luna smiled at him. “That’s why I only brought you a temporary black dye. I knew that when your mood changed again, you’d regret dyeing it. I bet you’ve been washing it nonstop to try to get it all out.”

 “I fuckin’ hate these mood swings too. I hate the voices.” His voice started to crack. “I wish they would just go … away.”

 “That’s why you need to start taking your meds again, babe.”

 “They don’t work!”

 She gaped at him. “I though you said they did?!”

 “Fuck no. Don’t you think I’d say anything to get … out of that psych ward? I was sick of them … pumping me full of pills that didn’t work. I was sick of talking to people that didn’t help me … in the slightest. I just said they did … to get out of there.”

 “Alan-.”

 “I’m not taking those stupid fucking Olanzapine again! They make me hungry … so then I eat! They make me … gain weight!”

 Luna sighed. “That’s probably a good thing though.”

 “You know … that I don’t deserve food! I’ve told you fifty fucking thousand times that I don’t deserve food! Taking those pills and eating just made the voices madder! At least now they leave me alone for a few days at a time! I … get some relief, at least.”

 “But still, you should go back to the doctors.”

 “There’s no point. No one can fix me … I’m too broken.” He began to cry and Luna rushed up to him, pulling him into a tight hug. ‘Yes, all those bad people in your life broke you, Alan. They hurt you beyond repair.’ She thought sadly.

 A few minutes later, the voices had stopped for a brief while again. “Do you want to come over to my place for a bit?”

 “O … okay.” Luna could tell Alan had reverted back to his normal, shy self in those few minutes.

 “Great!” She grinned widely. “We can watch The Nightmare Before Christmas again!”

 “I … I’d like that.”

 Once at Luna’s house, they watched the film, Alan now wearing a jumper to hide his cuts. The film seemed to cheer Alan up somewhat. Luna was munching on popcorn but she knew by now not to offer Alan any. It would be of no use; he wouldn’t eat any and she didn’t want him to snap again. Sure, she could handle his mood swings but she didn’t want to be their cause.

\---

 The weeks passed and Alan’s mood swings stopped. He became the shy boy again, who never talked. Who wouldn’t voice his feelings. The closed off boy who hadn’t told Luna about his father’s abuse. She had realised that herself, when Alan would come to school limping or with bruises up his arms and legs.

 He stopped hanging around with his drug addict friends, never speaking to them again. Once school had finished, Luna realised that the voices had stopped once again. She then learnt that Alan was leaving to go to Edinburgh to study. That had broken her. She couldn’t believe that he was leaving, after begging her not to do the same. She’d screamed at him to reconsider. That leaving would just end in him getting hurt again. That someone would take advantage. He just looked at her, not answering any of her questions on why he was leaving. The only thing he said was “I’m sorry … please … don’t get … angry.”

 She wasn’t angry. She was hurt and once he had gone, she felt lonely. Very lonely. She tried to keep in touch with him but he seemed even more closed off now that he was in Scotland. As the second year of college came, she had given up trying to talk to him. Maybe he had moved on? Maybe he was better and happier?

 One night, she messaged him to tell him that she was coming up to Edinburgh, to visit her sister and asked if he wanted them to meet up. She hadn’t expected him to reply but to her surprise he did. ‘Okay. I’d like that’. She nearly threw her phone out of her bedroom window in excitement.

 

\----

***Eric’s Pov***

 As he waited for Alan to return, his anger turned to fear and upset. _He didn’t tell me … because he knew he’d never get better. He didn’t tell me … because he knows how sick he really is. No – I need to ask him why myself. To be sure. He … he’s never going to recover. He’s too sick. I’m going to lose him._ He felt himself start to tear up. He felt the worrying reality begin to break his heart.

 Alan entered the room and looked at him. “Eric-.” The blonde was on his feet in an instant, quick paces taking him to in front of Alan. He crashed his lips to the other’s, before the smaller boy could utter another word. He felt Alan tense slightly from surprise, before he kissed back with just as much force. His mouth opened, as Eric moved his hands to grip the boy’s hips, pulling him closer.

 Their tongues laced with each other’s, a small moan coming from Alan. That’s when Eric pulled away, to look him directly in the eyes.

 “Eric … why are you crying?”


	59. Slap me, punch me, beat me down. Put me back in the hospital, baby.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heavy, repetitive dialogue on purpose. Eric is a mess.

***No Pov for this chap. Just an overview.***

 Eric didn’t answer, his hand moving to his mouth as he began to sob, his eyes not moving from Alan’s.

 “Eric … please tell me … why you’re crying.”

 “Why … didn’t you tell me, Al?!”

 “Tell … you what?” Alan bit his lip nervously.

 “Tha’ you’re schizophrenic! Luna told me all … ‘bout it!”

“Er-.”

 “Why didn’t you mention it!? It’s a fuckin’ important thing ta’ mention!”

“Eric-.”

 “Why didn’t ya’ tell me how sick ya’ am!? It’s a seriously illness, Alan! Why … didn’t ya’ tell me?!” His sobs turned to shouts.

 “Because-.”

 “Why didn’t ya’ tell me tha’ tha’ voices were back?! Ya’ lied ta’ me again!”

 “I-.”

 “Do ya’ jus’ like makin’ me worry ta’ death?! Do ya’ like me ta’ think I’m gunna’ lose ya’?! Because that’s wha’ I think. You’ve started slippin’ up again, wi’ tha’ purgin’ and wantin’ ta’ cut! Ya’ do realise tha’, right!?”

 “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to leave me!” Alan shouted. “I didn’t want you to be angry! I thought … I thought that you’d hate me…” His voice trailed off.

 Eric’s hand rose to the side of his head and Alan eyed him with panic, knowing that Eric was going to slap him again. He didn’t, his hand moving to grab Alan by his jumper, pulling him towards him. His strong arms wrapped around the smaller man. “I … don’t have it in me ta’ hate ya’.” His voice began to crack again, as he pressed his face into the crook of Alan’s neck, tears wetting the skin. “All I feel is love. I … I don’t even have it in me ta’ be mad. I … I’m jus’ so worried. Ya’ really are ill Alan and I never realised … jus’ how ill ya’ really are.”

 “Eri-.”

 “I’m so scared I’m going ta’ lose ya’, wi’ tha’ slip ups you’ve been havin’. I can’t lose ya’, Al. I’d die wi’out ya’. I … I love ya’ so much.”

 “You … aren’t mad?”

 “No … I thought I would be. I was when Luna first told me but I wasn’t pissed for long. Tha’ soon turned ta’ worry.”

 “You … aren’t going to leave me … now that you know I’m schizophrenic?”

 Eric pulled away from the hug to look at Alan again. “Wha’ sorta’ question is tha’? Of course I ain’t gunna’ leave ya’. I love ya’ too much ta’ do tha’.”

 Alan eyed the floor. “You … don’t think I’m a freak?”

 “No. I could never think tha’. I never will.”

 “You … really aren't going to dump … me again?”

 “Nope. I promise. I regret ever leaving ya’ in tha’ first place.”

 “Then … you have nothing to worry about, Eric.” Alan said, looking up and smiling.

 “Wha’ do ya’ mean?” Ya’ sick! Of course I should worry!”

 “No. If you … really aren’t going to leave me. If you … are always going to be by my side … then I can get better. I've told you ... before that I'll get better ... because I want to be with you for as long as possible. The voices … were telling me that I didn’t deserve you. That … you would leave. But … if you stay … it means they are wrong. It means … they won’t be able to control me anymore.”

  Eric noticed the determined look in Alan’s eyes. He looked more convinced about this than he had any other statement he had ever made. “It means … that they won’t beat me this time. With you … by my side. With … you loving me, I won’t let them win.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha. That title was misleading, huh?


	60. Teddy bear.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chap is so short. I had a bad allergic reaction so feel too ill to write more. Fluff chap :)

***Eric’s Pov***

 Eric smiled through his tears. “I’ve never seen ya’ lookin’ so determined before, babe. If you think ya’ can get better, then I believe tha’ ya’ can too.”

 “Thank … you. I am determined … I know I can get better for good … this time. ” Alan said, before yawning, his hand moving in front of his mouth. _So cute!_

 “Ya’ tired, babe?”

 “Yeah … very.”

 Eric scooped him into his arms, carrying him over to the bed and then bending down to pull his shoes off. “Time for bed then.”

 “No … I …”

 “Wha’? Somethin’ wrong?” Eric asked, looking up at him.

 Alan looked away. “I don’t … sleep much. I can’t … anymore. The voices … don’t let me. I … I’ve just been pretending to sleep. I just … got lucky earlier in Luna’s hotel room.”

 Eric smiled sadly. “Well how’s ‘bout we go for a bath?”

 “This … late at night?”

 “Yeah, it’ll help relax ya’.”

 The brunette shook his head. “No … I can’t. I don’t want … you to see.”

 _He means the scars._ “Alright.” He stood up and climbed on the bed behind Alan. The smaller man nestled in the space between his legs, as Eric’s arms wrapped around him. “Then wha’ do ya’ wanna’ do?”

 “I … don’t care.” He paused, before speaking again. “All I’ve ever wanted, since … I lost my parents is … to have someone that loved me. Now … I do, so I don’t … care what I do with them … as long as they stay here … with me.”

 Eric pulled his closer. “Then how’s ‘bout jus’ a cuddle?”

 “I’d love to.”

\---

 They spent the next few hours just cuddled together under the covers, before Alan picked up Eric’s hand in his own. “I’ve never … noticed before but you … have really big hands.”

 Eric chuckled. “Ya' hands are jus' really small, Al.” He pressed his palm to Alan’s, seeing how his fingers were much longer and thicker than the other’s. “See. Tiny hands.”

 “Yeah, true. But I like them … they make you look even more like a big cuddly teddy bear.”

 “A bear, huh?”

 “Yeah … you’re always so warm too Eric, just like a teddy bear. I … can’t believe I didn’t notice your hands before.”

 “That’s ‘cause ya’ never hold my hand, Al.”

 Alan giggled. “Why bother when you … can just drag me around by my jumper.”

 “Tha’ is very true.” _Looks like someone is finally getting a sense of humour._

 “Hmm … I’m tired.”

 Eric ran his fingers through Alan’s hair. “Do ya’ think ya’ might be able ta' ge’ some sleep?”

 “Maybe. The voices … aren’t that loud tonight. I’m glad … for that.”

 “Then try and sleep for a bit. I’ll be right here if ya’ ‘ave another nightmare or somethin’.”

 “I know.” He yawned again. “Eric?”

 “Yeah babe?”

 “I … feel good. I … know things … aren’t perfect. But … what you said … tonight about not wanting to leave … even when you know everything that I was scared of you knowing …well ... it really cheered me up. I … I’m happy, Eric. For the first time in years … I’m actually happy.”


	61. Chocolate chip cookies.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This series will be finishing soon. So sad about that.

***Eric’s Pov***

 Eric was the one to be wide awake that night, though it was not the worry of Alan that was keeping him awake. No, he believed Alan’s words; he knew this time Alan was going to get better. He could see it in his eyes; just how determined he was.

 It was Ronald who was concerning him. His mother had just passed away and it seemed that Claude wasn’t going to be sticking around for much longer either. _Did he really mean that he doesn’t want to be with Ronnie anymore? Or if he just afraid of marriage? Do I tell Ronnie? It’ll just upset him even more. What do I do?_

 A little after eight in the morning, Alan began to move in his arms, obviously having another nightmare. He woke with a start, jumping slightly against Eric’s chest. “Nightmares again, babe?”

 “Yeah … but I’m okay, really I am.”

 “Ya’ sure?”

 Alan moved from his chest to sit at his side. A small smile graced his face. “I’m sure.”

 “Good.” He pulled Alan back into his arms, squeezing him tightly. “Bear hug time!”

 “Ouch, Eric. Don’t … be so fucking rough!” Alan glared at him.

 “Luna was right, ya’ am cute when ya’ ge’ all moody.” Eric grinned, nuzzling his chin against the top of Alan’s head. “Such a lil’ cutie.”

 “Eric-.” Alan blushed.

 “So adorable. Ain’t ya?”

 His blush only grew. “Stop … it. You’re embarrassing me.”

 “Nope.”

 Alan tried to change the subject. “How long … have you been awake?”

 “Didn’t sleep.”

 “Oh … why?”

 Eric sighed. “Couldn’t. Was thinkin’ ‘bout things.”

 “It … wasn’t about me … was it? I told you not to-.”

 “No. It was Ronnie.”

 Alan frowned slightly. “What … about him?”

 “Claude said somethin’ ta’ piss me off is all.”

 “What … did he say?”

 “That he and Ronnie won’t be gettin’ married. I think he’s jus’ stringin’ the poor guy along. I … dunno whether ta’ tell Ronnie ‘bout wha’ he said or not.”

 “I think … you should.”

 “I jus’ don’t want him ta’ ge’ even more upset. He’s gotta’ go ta’ tha’ funeral in a few days.”

 Alan pulled away to look at him. “Umm … what … funeral?”

 “Oh shit. I forgot ta’ tell ya’. His mom passed away yesterday.”

 “No … no way.” Alan cast his gaze downwards. “Poor Ronnie. I still … think he needs to know. If I was him … I’d want to be told.”

 Eric sighed again. “Yeah, I’d want ta’ know too. I’ll tell him when we’re alone. I Jus’ hope he doesn’t freak out on me. Anyway, ya’ got any plans wi’ Luna today?”

 “Yeah but … I don’t know where she wants to go yet. Do … you want to come with us?”

 “Sure.”

\-----

 The three of them went out later that day, Luna wanting to do some clothes shopping. They all then went to the book store, Eric learning that Luna also had an obsession with Manga but with Marvel comics as well. In the late afternoon, they all went to a coffee shop and Eric smiled when Alan tucked in to a chocolate chip cookie. _He really is trying._

\-----

 Alan had gone back to Luna’s hotel room again, so Eric went to Ronald’s room at eight pm that night. He knocked on the door. “Yeah … come in.”

 He entered to see Ronald alone in his room. _I’ll just get it off my chest now. The sooner, the better._ “Ronnie, I need ta’ tell ya’ somethin’.”

 “Wha’ is it?”

 “Well … ya’ see…”

 “Jus’ spit it out!” _Man, he’s already in a crappy mood. Not that I can blame him._

 “Okay. Claude said … well he told me tha’ there isn’t goin’ ta’ be a weddin’ between ya’ too.”

 “He … said tha’?”

 Eric sat down on the bed next to him. “Yeah … but I dunno’ why he said it.” Ronald stood up, shoving his feet into his shoes. “Ronnie. Wha’ are ya’ doin’?” Ronald pulled his coat on. “Ronnie?”

 “Ta’ see why tha’ hell he would say somethin’ like tha’! Doesn’t he think tha’ I’ve lost enough already?!”

 “Wait a-.” Ronald left the room, slamming the door behind him. _Shit, he’s pissed off. Really pissed off._

 

\-------

***Ronald’s Pov***

 Ronald ran all the way out of the dorm block and across town to Claude’s home. His heart was pounding in his chest. _What the hell does he think he’s doing? Why would he say that? Is he just stringing me along? He … doesn’t want me after all._

 He banged on the door sharply, his upset growing. Claude opened it. “Ronald, why are you here? Don’t you have to pack your belongings to return home for the fun-.”

 “Why did y’ say it, Claude? Don’t y’ want me anymore?”

 “What?”

 “Tha’ we aren’t going ta’ ge’ married! Eric told me wha’ y’ said ta’ him! Tell me why tha’ hell y’ would say somethin’ like tha’!” His hands balled into fists at his side, as he shoved passed Claude and stood in the hallway.

 “Ronald, please calm down so I-.”

 “Calm down?! How can I calm down!? My mom has jus’ died and now y’ wanna’ leave me too!”

 “Let me ex-.”

 “How could y’!? I thought y’ loved me!”

 “I do love you.” He moved to pull Ronald into a tight embrace.

 “No y’ don’t. If y’ did, y’ wouldn’t have said tha’! Why don’t y’ wanna’ marry me?” Claude didn’t reply and Ronald felt angry tears slip down his face. “Why don’t y’ want me?”

 “I … do. I … I’m just frightened.”

 “Frightened?! Of wha’?!”

 “Commitment.”

 “Wha’ tha’ hell do y’ mean by tha’?” Claude didn’t reply again. “Well? Don’t y’ think I deserve an explanation?”

 “Yes, you do.”

 “Then tell me why y’ scared of tha’!”

 “Because … someone hurt me in the past. I … always run away when things get too serious. Just like I did with Sebastian.”

 “So y’ don’t want me either then? Now things ‘ave gotten serious?”

 “No, I do. I really do want you. I regretted the words I spoke to Eric as soon as they were out of my mouth.”

 Ronald looked up at him, pulling away from the hug. “So … does tha’ mean y’ do wanna’ marry me still?”

 Claude smiled softly. “Of course I do. I’m sorry for ever having second thoughts.”

 “Y’ still love me?”

 “I never stopped loving you.”

 “Y’ know … y’ ain’t gotta’ be scared of bein’ wi’ me. I .. I’ll never hurt y’. I love y’ so much.”

 “I know … I know you are correct in this. Thank you.”

 “Thanks for wha’?”

 “For loving me.”

 Ronald grinned, wiping his eyes. “I always will.”


	62. Winky faces.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh man. Maybe only 5 more chapters. God ... too sad. 
> 
> Eric being an understanding sweetie in this though :)

***Eric's Pov*** 

Eric had waited for Ronald to return. He waited for an hour and then waited again, then waited some more. After two hours, he pulled his phone out to text Ronald. ‘Hey mate, where are you?’

 ‘Still at Claude’s.’

 ‘Everything alright?’

 ‘Yeye. He still wants to marry me. He was just scared of taking such a big step. Everything’s good. I’ll see ya’ tomorrow. Staying at Claude’s tonight ;).’

 Eric smiled down at his phone, before leaving Ronald’s room to go and see if Alan was back from Luna’s yet. _Things are finally starting to work out. For Ronnie and for me and Al._ Pushing his key into Alan’s lock, he entered the room to find Alan already there. Alan didn’t look up from his lying position on the bed, even when Eric shut the door behind him and walked towards him.

 “Ya’ alright, Al?”

 Alan turned his head to look at him then. “I … I’m fine.”

 Eric noticed that his eyes were puffy. “Ya’ don’t look fine. Ya’ been crying?”

 “Yeah …”

 Eric sat down on the bed, at Alan’s side. “Did somethin’ happen at Luna’s?”

 “No.”

 “Then what’s up?”

 Alan turned away from Eric, lying to face the wall. “It doesn’t matter.”

 Eric moved too, lying behind Alan and slinging an arm around him waist. “It does. Jus’ tell me wha’ tha’ matter is.”

 “The voices … are so loud tonight. They haven’t shut up … since I came back here.”

 “Wha’ are they sayin’?”

 “Just … the usual. That I don’t deserve you. That … you’ll leave.” His voice began to crack.

 Eric sat back up again. “Al, look at me.” Alan did what he was asked and Eric cupped one cheek with his palm, thumb wiping away the newly fallen tears. “Ya’ know tha' none of tha’ is true, babe.”

 “I know.”

 “And ya’ weren’t gunna’ let tha’ voices beat ya’ down, remember?”

 “I … know.”

 “Ya’ gunna’ kick their asses. Ya’ said it ya’self, ya’ gunna’ beat this.”

 Alan smiled softly. “I know … that you’re right. I’m not backing down again. Not now … not ever.”

\-----

Two days later.

 Eric, Alan and Luna were hanging out in the old part of Edinburgh, Alisha also accompanying them. The past few days had been a lot of fun and Eric had seen just how much of a good friend Luna was.

 “So the date went really well. She’s really hot. I love red heads.” Luna purred. “Nice hips, you know? Something to hold onto to when I-.”

 “Sis! I don’t want to hear about your love life!” Alisha cringed. Eric and Alan just laughed at the two of them.

 “Sorry.” Luna grinned. “I just like her a lot. I’m so peed off that I have to go back home tomorrow.”

 “Do ya’ think tha’ you’ll keep in touch wi’ her? What’s her name even?” Eric asked.

 “Hopefully. Oh yeah, stupid me for not saying sooner. Her names Angelina. She’s one of Grell’s friends, that sis introduced me to. I got her phone number anyway, so hopefully it’ll go somewhere.”

\------

 That night, Alan and Eric had said goodbye to Luna, though they would be seeing her off at the train station tomorrow. The day after, classes would begin again. They got back to Eric’s dorm room. “I hope Ronnie was alright at tha’ funeral today.” Eric stated.

 “Yeah, me too.” _He sounds upset…_

 “Ya’ alright? Worryin’ ‘bout him?”

 “Sort of … but I know he will be okay in … time.”

 “Sort of? Somethin’ else botherin’ ya’?”

 Alan shook his head. “It’s nothing.”

 “Ya’ wouldn’t sound so sad if it was nothin’, babe.”

 “You … wanted to order pizza.”

 “So? Ya’ wanted it too, remember?”

 Alan’s gaze shifted to the floor. “But … I don’t feel like … any now.”

 “Why not? Voices again?”

 “Yes … I don’t want to risk … making myself want to be sick.”

 Eric moved closer to him, pulling him into a tender kiss. As they parted, he smiled softly at Alan. “Don’t worry ‘bout it. Ya’ doin’ really well. If ya’ think it’s too big a step, I’m fine wi’ it.”

 “Thanks, is it okay … if I just have a fortisip for tonight?”

 “Ya’ ain’t gotta’ ask me. Do wha’ ya’ think is best. That’s wha’ tha’ fortisips are there for right? Ta’ help ya’ when ya’ not feelin’ up ta’ eatin’ food.

 Alan smiled slightly. “Yeah … they are. Pick me a flavour?”

 “Sure thing, as long as ya’ don’t make me ‘ave any for once.”

 “I promise.”

 Eric went to rummage in the top drawer of Alan’s storage unit. “Ya’ ain’t got many left, babe. We'll need ta’ go back ta’ tha’ doctors again for another lot.” He picked up a vanilla flavour bottle. “Catch.”

 The bottle was thrown over to Alan, who moved forward to catch it, only for it to slip through his hands. Eric chuckled. “Ya’ can’t catch for shit, Al.” Alan blushed, as he picked the bottle up off of the carpet. “Right, time ta’ order my pizza.”

 “Which topping … are you having?”

 “Well if ya’ ain’t ‘aving any, I’m gunna’ go for ham and pineapple.”

 “Arse.”


	63. Hard.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally a tiny bit of smut.

\---63

***No Pov. Just an overview.***

 Two months had passed and Alan seemed to be doing well, his mood swings being less frequent. He’d also put on a tiny bit of weight, though he was still very thin. Eric wondered if the boy was just naturally very slender. They had been back to the doctors the month before, to get Alan some more drinks and his weigh in had stated that he had only put on 12lbs since his suicide attempt back in October, even with all the junk food Ronald had been buying him. Still, he was eating more; coping well with that and looked a lot healthier. He also hadn’t purged again, telling Eric that the urges to weren’t as strong as before.

 It was now Valentine ’s Day and Eric took Alan out on a day long date. They finally visited Edinburgh castle, something that they had been meaning to do since moving to the city. They then went for a picnic in the park, before heading to a pub for a few drinks in the evening, though Eric didn’t buy Alan anything with alcohol in. He only had one beer himself, before spending the rest of the night drinking cola.

 At 9pm, they headed back to Alan’s room. Eric scooped him up bridal style, before carrying him over to the bed and dropping him gently onto the covers. He moved to lie lightly on top of Alan, hands supporting him and kissed him deeply. Alan tangled his fingers in the other’s hair, mouth opening to allow Eric access. Their tongues glided against each other’s and to Eric’s surprise, he felt his pants grow tight. Maybe it was the beer or maybe it was the fact that it was a day of romance, he wasn’t sure. He was about to move away from Alan, as to not frighten him, when Alan’s hand slid from his head down to between his legs. Alan rubbed over his bulge, before giving it a soft squeeze.

 “Al, wha' are-.” He breathed, pulling back from the kiss.

 Alan smiled softly at him. “You’re hard.”

 “Yeah but it don’t mean tha' ya’ have ta’ do tha’. Not if ya’ don’t wanna’.”

 “Oh but I do.” Alan did. It wasn’t as scary for him anymore, at least if he wasn’t the one being touched. “I … really want to.”

 “Ya’ sure? Ya’ not gunna’ ge’ upset later, are ya’?”

 “No … I think I’ll be fine … really, I will be.”

 Eric nodded. “Alright but ya’ can stop if ya’ want ta’, if ya’ start gettin’ worked up, okay?”

 “I know, Eric. I know you wouldn’t … pressure me into carrying on … if I didn’t want to.”

Eric rolled them over, so Alan could move to straddle his legs. “So ya’ can move off me if ya’ need ta’.”

“Thank you.” Alan’s fingers worked quickly to unbutton Eric’s shirt. He pushed the material open, bending down to kiss Eric’s chest, before licking over his nipple. Eric shuddered at the sensation. Alan’s hand slipped down to rub him through his clothing again.

 “Ah … Al. Come on, stop teasin’ me.”

 “So much for not pressuring me.” Alan giggled against Eric’s skin, his breath ghosting over his nipple.

 “Wha’ if I say please?” Eric smirked, his hand lifting to run his fingers through Alan’s hair.

 “That might … work.” Alan sat back up, his hand going to Eric’s belt buckle. With a few fast movements, his belt was pulled away and his trousers unzipped. Alan pulled them down slightly, along with Eric’s underwear to release him. He ran his fingers lightly over his tip.

 “Al … please jus’ … hmm.” Alan smiled up at him, before his hand encircled him. He shifted up Eric’s legs slightly, as he began to pump him, bending down to suck at Eric’s nipple again. “Ah … how did ya’ ge’ so good at this?” Eric breathed, a few small moans slipping from him when Alan’s pace increased.

 Alan stopped sucking, moving his head to speak. “I … I’ve had enough … practice.” His voice was sad in tone and Eric realised what he was getting at.

 “Shit … Al. I didn’t … mean ta’ bring tha’ up. I’m such a moron. I didn’t mean – I’m so sorry.”

 “It’s okay. At least … you think I’m good at it.” Alan stated, his tone more jovial this time.

 “Yeah, good point.” Alan tightened his grip slightly and Eric groaned, his stomach starting to churn with pleasure. His hands reached up to Alan’s back, nails digging into his jumper, as Alan began to nip at the skin of Eric’s nipple. “So … nice.” Eric’s hips bucked into the other’s hand, even with Alan’s weight on his legs.

 Alan’s thumb rubbed over his slit, smearing pre cum over it. Eric’s hips pressed up more, his climax approaching. “Hn, so close babe. Harder … please.” Alan complied, his motions becoming quicker and more forceful.

 Alan’s name echoed around the room, as the orgasm hit him. It was intense, Eric having not experienced one in a while. His whole body tensed up, fingers gripping the material on Alan’s back, as he released into his hand.

 “Did … you like it?” Alan asked, sitting up, a blush beginning to creep across his cheeks.

 “I liked it a lot, babe.” Eric panted. Alan went to get off of Eric but Eric’s hands moved to hold his hips in place. “Not so fast. Ya’ hard too.” Alan’s blush only grew.


	64. It's okay if it's you.

***No Pov***

 “Not so fast. Ya’ hard too.”

 “I … know.”

 “Do ya’ want me to, ya’ know?”

 Panic flashed across Alan’s face. “No, I – uh, I’m not … ready for that. I know I said Christmas … that I was but I-.”

 Eric ran his thumb over Alan’s clothed hips bones soothingly. “I didn’t mean tha'. I just meant … well ya’ got a bit of a problem there. Do ya’ want me ta’ sort ya’ out?”

 “Just there though … right? You’re not going to … use your fingers again, are you?”

 “Yeah jus’ there, if ya’ want me ta’ that is.”

 “Yeah, okay.” Alan could deal with just being touched there. He thought so anyway, if it was by Eric’s hands. He was safe with him, he knew that by now. He just hoped that any flashbacks wouldn’t get the better of him.

\---

 A few minutes later, Alan was cuddled into Eric’s side under the covers, still fully clothed. As such, he didn’t ask for the lights to be switched off. Eric kissed the top of his head, hand working on him slowly and gently. Small, cute moans were slipping from Alan, as he pressed his face into the top of Eric’s chest, one hand gripping his shirt.

 “Feel good, babe?”

 “Hmm … it feels so … relaxing. Alan stated, his eyes half lidded.

 With a few more motions on him, Alan came and Eric removed his hand from Alan’s underwear. “Ya’ alright, Al?”

 “Yes … I’m okay. It’s so nice … when it’s with you.”

 “Good. Oh, I almost forgot, I got ya’ a pressie’.” He slid out from under the covers and re-buttoned his shirt. “It’s in my room.”

 A minute later he returned, a small parcel in hand. “Here ya’ go.”

 Alan sat up in bed, taking the gift from Eric’s hands. He opened it and beamed. “An Attack On Titan figurine! Thanks Eric!”

 “I knew tha’ you’d had ya’ eye on it for a while.”

 “I had … thank you. I have … something for you too. It’s under my bed.” Eric retrieved the parcel and unwrapped it. “I didn’t know what … to get you, sorry.”

 “How did ya’ know tha’ I liked Thornton’s chocolates?”

 Alan blushed. “I asked … Ronnie.”

 “Awesome. Thanks Al.”

\---

 Two days later.

  Eric walked into Alan’s room to find him sitting at his desk, a letter clutched in his hand. “Wha’ ya’ got there Al?”

 “My referral letter for the psychologist.”

 “Nice. When are ya’ due to go?”

 “Eric … I …”

 Eric noticed that Alan was shaking. “Is everythin’ okay?”

 “I … don’t want to go.”

 Eric frowned. “Why not? Ya’ told tha’ doctor tha' ya’ was okay wi’ go-.”

 “I know what I said! But … the more I’ve thought about it … the more I realised that I … don’t want to be put through that again.”

 “Through wha’, Al?”

 “When I … was in the hospital after Jacob, they … just pumped me … full of drugs. They … made me so ill. Olanzapine was … the worst. It made me … really shaky and dizzy … and made my vision blur. I don’t … want that again.”

 “Then jus’ go and speak ta’ them then. They can’t make ya’ do anythin’ tha’ ya’ don’t want ta’.”

 “No! I … I don’t want them to know … my past. I … don’t want anyone but you, Luna and … Ronnie knowing anything … about it. It’s … too painful to talk about.”

 “So ya’ not gunna’ go?”

 “Please … don’t make me. I … I’m sorry that … I went back on my word. I … just can’t do it.”

 Eric walked to Alan’s side, hand soothing his hair. “It’s ya’ choice ta’ make. Do wha’ ya’ think is best.”

 “You … you’re not angry with me?”

 “No. I think ya’ doin’ amazingly. If ya’ jus’ keep doin’ wha’ ya’ doin’, I know tha’ you’ll be fine. I’m so proud of ya’.”


	65. And then you started to slip.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last but one, maybe two chapters. 
> 
> Will be a sequel if my readers want it.

***Eric’s Pov***

 It was now a few days before the Easter holiday and everything had been going so well between Alan and Eric. Alan was improving day by day. At least that was how things HAD been progressing. Eric came out of class and checked him phone, to see ten messages from Alan and three missed called from an hour ago.

 ‘Eric, can you come to my room please.’

 ‘Eric, can you just get here now.’

 ‘Eric, please get to my room.’

 ‘Hello?’

 ‘Come to my room!’

 ‘Now!’

 ‘Get here already!’

 ‘Eric?!’

 ‘Look at your phone!’

 ‘Check your fucking phone! Please, I need you! Just get here!’

 Eric felt his heart sink. Nothing good ever came from Alan texting or phoning him. With the memory of what had happened with Ciel flashing in his mind, he raced to Alan’s dorm room and opened it quickly.

 Alan was rocking backwards and forwards on his bed, nails clawing at his face as he mumbled to himself. “Just … go away. Please just go … away.”

 Eric was kneeling down in front of him in an instant, concern etched across his face. “Al, what’s wrong?”

 Alan’s eyes were wide, his whole body trembling. “The voices! They … are so loud … today. I can’t … deal with them!” _My poor baby._

 “Al-.”

 “I can’t do this! Just … I wish … I was dead! I … I’m disgusting. A disgusting person!”

 Eric moved onto the bed at Alans’s side, pulling him into a sideways hug. “Don’t say things like tha’, Al. Don’t say ya’ wanna die, please. Ya’ not disgutin’ at all.”

 “But I am! And … I do want to … die. They … the voices. Why are they so cruel!? They … wouldn’t be … like that … if I was a good person. I … I’m not good. Not at all.”

 “Yes ya’ are. Ya’ are a good person, Al. Ya’ jus’ can’t see it.” _Even when everyone else can._

 Alan shook his head, sobs slipping from his mouth. “I’m not good … at anything! I couldn’t … even make it to class … today, because … of them! Too loud! Way too loud!” He shouted between his cries. “Deafening!” My head … hurts so much! They … are winning again! I … I can’t cope with this!”

 “No babe, ya’ can’t let them beat ya’.”

 “I … can’t win. They … won’t go away.”

 “Yes ya’ can. I know ya’ can. Ya’ know tha’ deep down ya’ can too.”

 Alan shook his head again. “Just please don’t … leave me. Just … hold me tighter …please.”

 Eric did, for the rest of the day. His worry only grew, as Alan’s tears refused to cease. _But ya’ promised me that this time ya’ would ge’ better. Ya’ was so determined…_

\------

 The Easter holiday had just begun and the couple were currently travelling down to Eric’s house. Alan had been quieter than usual and Eric knew why; the voices were back and they were stronger than ever.

 In the moments where he wasn’t deathly silent, he was either shouting at Eric over nothing in particular or bawling his eyes out.

\------

 The time spent at Eric’s house wasn’t much better, Alan being distant with him. Eric had tried to comfort him the best he could but all it had achieved was more outbursts from the smaller teenager. Even with the Easter celebrations bringing about excitement and happiness in the Slingby household, Alan’s foul mood was clear for them all to see. Sharon had even taken Eric aside to ask what the matter was with Alan but Eric had just stated that he hadn’t a clue. He didn’t want his dad finding out about Alan’s mood swings or voices, sure that he would not be pleased with such knowledge.

 It was now the day before Eric and Alan were to return to Edinburgh, for the last week of the holiday. The stress of the situation and Alan’s anger was taking its toll on Eric. He could feel his composure starting to crack. He could feel his annoyance beginning to grow, both with the voices who were tormenting Alan and with Alan himself. _I don’t see why ya’ are taking it out on me. It’s not my fault!_

 Alan walked into Eric’s bedroom, phone in hand. “Luna wants me to go back to Yorkshire … for a few days, once we leave here. She wanted to come to Edinburgh again … to begin with … but couldn’t afford it.” He stated in monotone.

 “Are ya’ goin’ ta’ go?”

 “I can’t … afford it either.”

 “We can go together, if ya’ want.”

 “I do. Okay. Thanks.”

 “Will ya’ be okay wi’ goin’ back there, after wha’ happened wi’ Jacob?”

 “I’ll be … fine.”

 “Ya’ sure?”

 Alan glared at him. “I said I’ll be fucking fine!”

 _No need to bite my head off for like the fifth time today!_ “Alright babe, we’ll go.”


	66. He's right behind you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last but one chapter. Had to cut it in half. Having a killer migraine.

 The couple reached Bradford, Yorkshire and checked into a hotel not far from Luna’s home. Alan didn’t want to stay at her house, though he wouldn’t say why. In fact, he hadn’t been saying much of anything on the trip up to the city. Eric popped out to a supermarket not long after getting to the hotel room, to get some basic groceries, while Alan stayed at the hotel.

 Eric returned half an hour later, to find Alan curled up in the corner of the room. He dropped the grocery bag on the coffee table and rushed over to Alan. He had his head in his hands and Eric sank down in front of him. “Al?”

 Alan looked up from his hands, his eyes wide with what Eric could only think to be panic or fright. “They … are … all around me. Make them … go away!”

 Eric placed a comforting hand on the smaller man’s knee. “There’s no one here, babe. Ya’ safe, I promise.”

 “No they are … right here.” He paused for a moment, his eyes screwing shut. “I … I’m losing the plot! I … really am. I … I’m going insane.”

 “No ya’ not babe. Ya’ jus’ havin’ a little set back, is all.”

 “No … I … I have … completely lost my mind.”

 Eric cupped Alan’s cheeks with both of his hands. “Open ya’ eyes Al.”

 “No … I don’t want to see them. I … I haven’t ever seen them … before. I … really am losing it.”

 “Please jus’ look at me, Al. There’s no one here but ya’ and me. Ya’ really are safe.”

 Alan opened his eyes for a moment and gasped, before he eyes shut tightly again. “There … are right there. Dad’s right behind you … Eric.”

 “No he’s not. It’s jus’ in ya’ head. None of tha’ is real.”

 “Shut up! You don’t know what … you’re talking about! How can you not see him! He was right there!”

 Eric felt his stomach churn. Maybe just wasn’t a setback after all. Maybe being in this city was making Alan ten times worse.

\------

The following Evening.

 Alan was asleep, after having another bad episode of psychosis. Not long after, Eric’s phone beeped. It was a message from Luna, who they had been out with earlier in the day.

 Lunaboo123: Alan’s really suffering, isn’t he?

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: What do you mean?

 Lunaboo123: Haven’t you noticed? The voices are obvious distressing him.

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Well yeah, I have noticed that.

 Lunaboo123: Maybe you should take him back to Edinburgh tomorrow. He obviously isn’t doing well.

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: I’ve tried to say that but he just gets mad at me. He wants to stay for the five days we’ve booked. I don’t know why, this place isn’t doing him any good.

 Lunaboo123: Then I guess you’ll just have to wait it out and hope that he doesn’t crack.

 Slingbystrikesahattrick: Crack how? What do you mean by that?

 Lunaboo123: You know what I mean. Mentally crack.

 Eric gulped once he read that last message. He knew that she was right but there wasn’t much he could do. It wasn’t as if he could force him back onto the train up to Edinburgh. With a sigh, he turned off his phone and tried to get some sleep for the night.

\-----

The next morning.

 Eric had gone to the shop again to get Alan some cigarettes. Eric had tried to tell him that it was a bad idea; that it would just been harmful to his asthma. That had made Alan fly off into a rage and so Eric had done as he wanted.

 He didn’t even know why Alan wanted them; Alan hadn’t smoked in the year and a half that he had known him. Once brought, he returned to the hotel room. Eric felt his heart sink when he entered the room. Alan wasn’t there.


	67. The end of sanity.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so some rooms in English hotel rooms permit smoking. If there's an ashtray in there, you can light up. ;)

 Eric had pulled his phone out, messaging Luna to see if Alan had gone to hers. Luna had told him that he wasn’t at her house but that he may have gone somewhere else. She had messaged him the address of where she assumed he had run off to, telling Eric that it was about a ten minute walk from the hotel.

 Not bothering to ask her about how exactly this location was special to Alan, he typed the address into his map app of his phone and went out to search for Alan, hoping that he would be where Luna thought he was. As he got close to his destination, it began to rain. Nothing unusual for April, the water came down hard and fast and Eric had to hide his phone away, as he turned the corner to the street he had to go to.

 He found Alan there, on the one side of street, facing across the road to the other. He approached him, both of them soaking wet by now. Alan’s hair was plastered to his face, jumper clinging to his thin frame, weighed down by the water. “Al, wha’ are ya’ doin’ here?” Eric asked, looking at what Alan was staring at, a construction site.

 “They … knocked it down.” Alan stated, his voice cracking. If it wasn’t for the rain, Eric would have been able to see the tears falling thick and fast.

 “Knocked wha’ down?”

 “My house! How could they? It … it … was the only thing left of my family. They just … knocked it down! Like it meant nothing! Those … those bastards!”

 “I don’t know why, Al but we should ge’ ya’ back ta’ tha’ hotel. Before ya’ catch a cold.” Eric said softly.

 “No! Not yet. I have … to go see them. I have to go.” Alan took off running, Eric following him. Puddles were splashed in, soaking both of their legs further. After a short while, Alan stopped running. Eric looked ahead of him, to see the gates of a cemetery.

 Alan walked inside and Eric followed, to the very back of the plot of land, where the recent graves stood. Those of people who had died in the past decade. They came about three graves, all with the last name Humphries.

 “I … I miss you so much.” Was Alan’s only statement, before he crumbled to his knees, loud sobs echoing around the empty expanse of gravestones. Mud stained him trousers and then his hands, as he gripped the ground below. His cries of sorrow only grew louder. They sounded broken, just like him. Broken and in pain.

 They stayed in the pouring rain for hours, Eric unable to coax him into leaving. Finally Alan stood up on shaky legs, walking back out of the cemetery without a word.

 When they got back to the hotel, Alan went for a shower. Eric didn’t follow him. He knew that Alan wouldn’t let him come in anyway. Not with his scars on show. Eric had a shower after Alan, glad for the warmth. He had been frozen to the bone from standing in the rain.

 On leaving the shower, he found Alan sitting on a hotel room chair, cigarette in his mouth. Eric watched him, half out of concern and half out of awe. Alan looked hot smoking, the way he held the cigarette between his index finger and thumb. The way he inhaled, before blowing the smoke out into the room, letting it billow around him.

 Within a few moments, the cigarette was discarded in the room’s ashtray and he plucked another from the pack. Alan was a quick smoker indeed. It wasn’t until the fourth cigarette in a row that Eric spoke up. “Ya’ shouldn’t be smokin’ so many all at once. It’ll mess wi’ ya’ asthma.” Alan shot him an annoyed look, before erupting into anger again. Expletives bounced around the room and Eric felt his anger starting to build again. It wasn’t his fault that Alan’s home had been demolished, neither was it his fault that he was concerned for Alan’s health. He didn’t deserve to be treated in such a way.

\------

 The next day was much the same. Alan had been aggressive towards him for the rest of the previous day, even when they visited Luna’s in the evening. The rain continued to fall, a storm having now blown in.

 “Hold still! Stop thrashin’ ‘bout or ya’ gunna’ hurt ya’self!” Eric shouted, hands pinning Alan’s wrists to the bed. Whether Alan’s anger had gone to the next degree or whether he was having another bad episode of psychosis, Eric wasn’t sure.

 “Fuck off! Get off of me, you cunt!” Alan screamed, trying to move from under Eric’s straddling position on top of him. “I hate you! Get … the fuck off of me!”

 “Stop takin’ it out on me! I’ve done nothin’ wrong!” Being told that he was hated by the man he loved had made his anger grow. He released his grip on Alan, hoping that it might calm him down enough to be able to talk to him properly.

 That’s when he felt a stinging on the side of his cheek. Alan had half slapped, half clawed at him. An angry red scratch mark appeared on his skin almost instantly. “Wha’ tha’ fuck is ya’ problem?!” He stood up from the bed quickly, his hands bawled into fists. And that’s when he felt himself crack. “Why do ya’ keep takin’ ya’ problems out on me?! I’ve done nothin’ wrong! I … I’m done wi’ ya’ shit! I’m done wi’ ya’!”

 He didn’t mean any of those words; he was just frustrated, hurt and upset. It was enough to warrant a reaction, as Alan clambered off of the bed and ran from the room. Eric stood there for a few moments before he chased after it. It was obviously a moment too long, as Alan had already disappeared from sight.

\------

 Hurried steps took Alan down various streets. Down memory lane. He knew where he was going and he knew that it was a bad idea. It didn’t matter anymore. Eric didn’t want him. The voices had won yet again and now they were about to win again, as they took him down a path of self-destruction.

 Alan thought it may end this way but it didn’t matter. All sanity had been blasted away as soon as he gotten to Bradford. Now it was clear, he had come here to implode. To lose everything he had worked so hard for since leaving the hospital in Edinburgh. It had been too late to save himself the moment he stepped foot in this God forsaken city. The memories had just made the voices stronger and now? He was just their puppet. He would follow what they said.

 They had been right all along. He didn’t deserve Eric. Today had proved that. Eric had said so himself. He deserved pain and pain he knew he would receive and so he took a path he had only once taken before. Down back streets, to a dingy house in the rough part of the city.

 He may have only been down these streets once before but he remembered them well. He remembered the hope he had felt on that day. That someone would finally look after him, though even back then he didn't feel worth such kindness. That hope had been false indeed. Out of breath and wringing wet from the storm, he banged on a wooden door, paint peeling and surface stained.

 The door opened and a familiar cold voice spoke. “Well Alan, what a nice surprise. You really were my best worker.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, this ending.
> 
> [First chap of sequel. ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4690601)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Thin Walls](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4598346) by [D4tD (dance4thedead)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dance4thedead/pseuds/D4tD)




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